Waiting...

It's a beautiful spring afternoon and I'm proud of myself because I've made it through 75% of the day without shedding a tear, and - despite checking my e-mail almost every 2 minutes of the day - I have managed to get my "to-do" list tackled. This is a small little victory for me since The Wait officially began just about a week ago...a week that has been just too silent for me.

Just 24 hours earlier I was upstairs making a pouty face towards my hubby. That quickly turned into a few silent tears rolling down my cheek, prompting my hubby to say "stop it. just stop it." and hug me...

Knowing he's right and that I'm just going to drive myself bonkers if I allow myself to dwell on the silence. I have soldiered through my Monday. I haven't called, texted, or e-mail K to say "any news?" I haven't bitten off all my nails. I haven't devoured a box a Thin Mints. I checked my e-mail way too often, but I'll allow myself that...As a reward I'm going to fill the gap between finishing up my work day and my hubby coming home with a nice long walk with our dog...

The phone rings. I almost let the machine get it, but decide to grab it at the last minute. It's K. My heart flutters for a second, but I get it under control - I'm not going to let my hopes get up; we haven't even received a profile yet, so surely this isn't The Call.

K informs me she just received a profile, that it's just about exactly what we've been hoping for.

"It's twin boys" she tells me. They've already been born. If it all worked out we could be parents. Like - NOW. I just about jump through the roof.

But K has more information. The cost to adopt these little boys is extremely high. Extremely. Double what our adoption savings is. She doesn't want to send us the profile without us knowing the cost up front...I thank her profusely and rush to call Mike at work. We are quickly doing math in our heads...

it's just not there. This can't be happening...our dream is in front of us, and because of a price tag we are going to have to turn and walk away.

There's call waiting. It's K again. "You're not going to believe this, but I just got another case. It's another little boy... He's due in July..."

The profile is on its way.

By the time Mike walks in the back door from work, a THIRD profile has come into our hands. Another little boy. He'll be born in June. As K's e-mail began in the third e-mail, we "are a hot commodity!"

I can only hope we are.

By the time Mike has come home I have cried about the twins. I've wiped the tears, and eagerly read about the two other Birth Moms and the little boys they are carrying. There's hope. One we can afford, the other would be a stretch but we just might be able to do it. My heart is already "in".

Rookie mistake.

After reading both profiles more closely and talking it over, we just don't have the "warm fuzzies" about the second profile. Figures - that's the one we could afford. But we have to go with our gut, and there are details involved in the profile that just tell us this isn't the baby that's meant for us. We've been told by many adoptive families and K that this will happen, and that we have to trust our instincts. But still - after crying 24 hours earlier about not wanting to wait any longer I'm now - in the span of an hour - having to 'walk away' from twins AND from a little boy?

This is torture.

The third profile...a little boy due in June...it's promising. But yet again the cost may force us to have to walk away. The lawyer the Birth Mom is using is known to ask for up to $15,000 in 'at risk' fees on top of the adoption cost. This means we risk losing $15,000 if we were to try for this baby, get matched, and then the Birth Mom were to change her mind or something were to go wrong with the pregnancy.

We have a few more days until that Birth Mom will be looking at profiles. A few more days to get more details on the full cost of the adoption. A few more days to decide whether or not we go for it...

It looks like today I will yet again be checking my e-mails every 2 minutes.