Reasoning

It has recently been brought to our attention that we have a few new people following along on our blog; we felt it was appropriate to take a moment to once again share with our readers the purpose and reason behind sharing our story. This post below was orginally shared on March 28th, 2012:

A lot of ideas spring to life over nothing more than a beer, a napkin, and good company. Deciding to share our adoption story in the form of this blog was no exception.

When we were going through our Home Study we initially decided that we would just do our best to keep things quiet. Our friends & family knew that we were starting the adoption process, and inevitably there'd be a frustration that lead to a Facebook post - but knowing The Wait was going to be a bumpy ride with a lot of emotions, we felt like it would be best to just hold back and not say a peep about any of it until we were on a plane headed to meet our sweet baby. It was going to be hard enough for us to deal with the ups & downs, so why put our parents and others through that as well?

As the Home Study process wrapped up we started getting messages and texts (even a phone call from someone I truly hardly know) wanting to know how things were going, and a few other people reached out wanting to know more about the adoption process because they had been considering it for their families. As I wrote them  back - especially the ones wanting to know where to start with an adoption - I felt like there was just so much we had learned from our experience so far that I wanted to make sure they knew about, because it wasn't spelled out on any brochure or website or article we had poured over in our research.

So this past weekend, over a beer and cheeseburgers, we outlined our goals for this blog:

• Keep our parents, family, and friends (and those who are just curious) up-to-date on our journey.
• Write honestly and openly about our adoption journey in hopes that our experiences will help other couples who are considering adoption. This will include talking about the financial aspects, "red tape" frustrations, emotional ups & downs, and why we chose the route we did.
• Include links to sites and information we found extremely helpful.
• Write from both of our perspectives. (Mike will post on a weekly basis, Missie at least weekly)

We can't help but feel that writing this blog will be a great form of 'therapy' as well.

Strawberry Short Cake

I don't want to repeat exactly what Missie wrote, but I want to continue to give the "his" version of the events.  We know that most friends and family already know the story, but this is for the record.  I will break this down into three stories; starting from the happiest, working my way down....

14 May 2012, 0330 in the morning, Missie and I awoke at our Hotel in Lawton Oklahoma.  We've never been so excited to wake up that early before in our lives; as today was to be the happiest day ever (next of course to our wedding).  We were up, showered, and out the door; jumping into the rental Corolla and making the 30-minute trek to a small town east of Lawton.

We were worried at first.  The initial word from the social worker, M, was that small town hospitals don't take kindly to adoptions and that we may be looked down on.  WE?  We would be looked down on for wanting to give our son a life filled with love, family, and opportunities?  Maybe that was the first signal; anyway, we didn't care, we were having our first child, a baby boy, Alan Michael (AJ for short).

We arrived at the birth center at small Regional Hospital.  Expecting to find only a bed with some bottles of Tylenol on the shelf, we entered what looked like a very impressive facility with, what we would come to find out and get to know, very kind, compassionate, and loving towards us Doctors, Nurses and Staff.  It turned out M got her hospitals and towns mixed up....forgiven.

We met our birth mom, "I".  At 0500, she arrived.  To us, she was an angel.  She was giving us the greatest gift we could ever receive.  She was as kind and loving in person as she was on the phone.  We were in love with her.  She embraced us and referred to us as "his parents".  Choosing us to be the parents of her baby was a decision she was sure about, so sure, that when the time came, she allowed us to put his full name (Alan Michael) and our last name on the legal birth certificate.

We also expected, being the adoptive parents, that we would have limited or even restricted access to the birth center and to our son.  We were very shocked when we were treated as the parents.  Both Missie and I were allowed to be in the room.  We held I's hand during the whole thing.  I watched our son come into the world, the very second his head hit the air of the outside, I watched it happen.  Missie and I took one look and we fell in love with him.  Alan Michael, our son, at 6lbs 6.9oz, 18.5 inches, stole our hearts and we have never been so happy.

We had the name Alan Michael picked out months ago, but this was the first time we were able to announce it.  Alan Michael is in honor of our fathers, his grandfathers.

I ran and grabbed the local newspaper from that day.  How neat would be, years from now, to show him what was happening on the day he was born.

The next four days were magical.  We were parents.  The hospital had given us a room and the second AJ was born, he was handed to us.  He stayed in our room.  The doctor and nurses came to us for everything.  As far as they were concerned, we were his parents.  The nurse even brought him a small birthday cake.  Missie took a few pictures of it, we looked at it, the proceeded to devour it, since we have not had a thing to eat that day yet.  It was Strawberry Short Cake, and it never tasted so good.

Out of respect for I, we took him down to see her.  A couple times she had asked, but we wanted to show her just how loved he is and continue to reinforce she was making the right decision.  We gave her a gift; a small necklace with two hearts and a small diamond; signifying her, us and AJ.  A tiny gesture considering what she gave us, but it was was we could do.

We wanted nothing more than to just take AJ home, however I requested that he not be released until she was.  "Very normal" said M, I's social worker.   However, on Thursday, when they were to be released, I allowed him to be released to us.  Thursday was nerve racking; I had requested 30 minutes with AJ and legally we had to oblige.  That was the longest 30 minutes of our life...up to that point.  We cried and the only thing we could think is "what if she changes her mind?"  M send us the note, he was ready, and we raced to I's room.  I's last words to us were, "He's yours, go ahead and take him".  We scooped him up, secured him into his brand new car seat, and we took him "home", the hotel in Lawton.  Now we just wait until Monday, as I would appear in court, and terminate her parental rights. 

We took AJ and immediately went to a local frozen yogurt place and had a small celebration, just the three of us.  Then took him to the one place every newborn must visit immediately....the WAL MART, to get the essentials that would last until we got him back home to NC.

The next four days were magical.  We were parents.  We were getting up at 3am to change a diaper, feed him, and just cuddle him.  We put him down only to sleep, if that.  Having waited so long, we didn't want to miss a second.  The pain we endured with not being able to have children dissolved.  We were happy and we planned to love AJ with everything we had.  Friends and family were sending their well wishes in force, and he even got to meet his great-grandparents and two cousins who made the trip from Tulsa to visit him. 

For the record, I loved changing the diaper and feeding him at 3am.  To me, that was just more time to bond.

Monday couldn't come soon enough.  That Saturday, five days after AJ was born, M called Missie and told us that I had called her and was very happy and at peace with her decision.  Mostly, she talked about how she was impressed with me, that she saw me and knew that her son would have a solid father figure in his life.  Something he wouldn't have otherwise. 

Sunday, another friend visited.  AJ was already racking up the love from friends an family before he was even one full week old. 

This was magical.  Missie and I have never been so happy.  I loved our group family hugs.  Missie holding him and I would wrap my arms around them both giving them both little kisses.  We were a family and couldn't wait for everything.  For him to meet his grand parents, his aunts and uncles, his other "aunts and uncles" (friends so close to us, they would be called aunt and uncle to him), his pre-approved wives who were all going to meet at West Virginia University and comprise the WVU class of 2034.  He was going to the beach in late June for a family reunion.  Before he was going to be two months old, we would have already moved three times; as Missie and I got orders shortly before leaving for OK.  His 8th birthday will come on my 20th anniversary of serving in the Army.  What a ride this was going to be, and couldn't have been more excited.

Sunday evening, the day before court, M, the social worker would call us.  No worry, she called the day before to tell us how happy I was with her decision and she knew AJ was going to have a mother and father who love him and will give him everything.  Just as 14th May changed our lives forever, so would this phone call. 

Strawberry Short Cake.  Don't know if I will ever be able to eat it again.

Loving A.J.

we regret not updating the blog throughout the past week; we left our computer at home knowing we wanted to focus on bonding with and loving our son. In the choice between packing a computer or my camera gear, I naturally chose the camera gear. We planned to blog using our iPad, but that wound up not working. Our friends and family know by now how this story ends, but we can never forget the joy and love of the past week. For our healing, we still need to share this week.

Monday, May 14th, at 8:37 AM, our son Alan Michael (A.J. for short) came into our lives. Both Mike & I were allowed to be in the delivery room; we each held the Birth Mom's hand throughout the C-section...I remember looking down at her thinking she was absolutely the most beautiful human being on the planet for what she was giving us...and the moment we first heard AJ's little cry and touched his tiny little hands, I could feel my heart just swell out of my chest, open up, and embrace him.

Our son. It was amazing.

More than just giving us the precious gift of life and parenthood, the Birth Mom was allowing us to be there for our son's first breath. She was allowing us to be the ones to hold him, name him, bond with him, and love him. She was giving us so much - we were experiencing every bit of parenthood as if we were the ones to create this precious life. She didn't have to do that; legally, until she signed the paperwork in front of a judge, AJ was hers. She had the right to be the one to hold him, the one to name him, the one to say just how much time and contact with him we could have. But she gave all of that to us.

All we had to give her was a gold necklace. A gold heart to symbolize us, with a smaller heart inside to symbolize her. That heart had a little diamond, to symbolize AJ. We wanted her to know that she would always have a special place in our hearts, and in AJ's as well. Presenting it to her we felt silly and awkward - there were no words or objects grand enough to ever show her our gratitude and respect, but we hoped this token and our tears would be a start.

The nurses and Doctors at the hospital were wonderful; it was a small town, and the Birth Mom's Social Worker had warned us in advance that they may not be as open-minded and helpful in an adoption situation as larger hospitals typically are, (especially since AJ is multiracial and we are white), but thankfully that was the farthest thing from what we experienced. We were paying for the Birth Mom's room and care, but they gave us a room of our own for free. They came to us for all of AJ's care, answered all of our silly "first-time-parents" questions, and shared in our joy. They admitted that they don't deal with a lot of adoptions, and they were excited to be a part of ours.

For four days, while the Birth Mom healed from her C-section, we lived in the hospital with our son AJ. Other than the hour on the 15th that the nurses needed him to do bloodwork and other tests, he was not out of our sight or arms. We did nothing but stare in amazement at AJ; kissing him, cuddling him, and telling him over and over how much we loved him and how beautiful he was. We could not believe our good fortune; after all the chemo treatments, surgeries, and scary medical moments of the past few years, we were finally having "good luck."

We had honestly lost faith over the years because of all that had happened to us, but we were quickly gaining it back - there must be a God afterall, because here in our arms was this precious miracle. And not only did we have this beautiful little son, healthy and happy with all ten fingers and all ten toes, but we had an adoption story that was solid, sure, and no-risk. God was finally "rewarding" us for all the pain we'd been put through.

From the moment we first "met" the Birth Mom, (up until the morning of AJ's birth we had only been able to communicate via phone and e-mails), we were repeatedly being told how at peace she was with her desicion to give AJ to us. We were sent sonogram photos by her, she opened up to us about the Birth Father and the circumstances surrounded not just her choice but need to find a better home and situation for AJ; she opened up about the life she and her 11 year old daughter have, and how she couldn't take care of a newborn, how she needed to heal and move forward to make their life better, and how if she kept this baby she was carrying it would ruin her and her daughter's life.

The Birth Father, we were told, was a horribly abusive man, who also happened to be married. She opened up to us that he had lied to her about his name, and that she couldn't even find him now. She opened up about keeping this adoption a secret from him so that she could protect the life she was carrying. We were assured that he would never be found because his real name was not known, but that even if he did find out that she was pregnant he denied that even his wife's children were his - he would not contest the adoption, would want nothing to do with this baby.

We had discussed this with the Agency she was using and the lawyers - they had seen this scenario many times. It would be no problem - an ad would be placed announcing the birth of this child, after 30 days when he didn't step forward to claim being the biological father the State would sign off relinquishing his rights on his behalf. Once the Birth Mom relinquished her rights, AJ would be ours. If the Birth Father ever appeared, he would have to prove he was there financially for the Birth Mom throughout the pregnancy and that he could be a better parent than us. He had no leg to stand on; we were assured that while it would be a matter of getting a lawyer and going to court, AJ would not be taken from us. This man was no-good, there was nothing to worry about.

We knew all this before AJ was born; we already loved him and knew we would do whatever it took to protect him. We were not worried about this man reappearing. The Birth Mom told us flat out that she already considered us the parents, she told her Social Worker that she felt no attachment to the baby she was carrying, and after she gave birth she told the nurses to have us fill out the Birth Certificate application with the name we wanted for him - with our last name. We were not worried about her changing her mind.

We allowed ourselved to feel every ounce of joy that we deserved to feel. Four days after staying in the hospital with him, the Birth Mom signed paperwork releasing him into our care until her court date of the 21st. We left the hospital with our son, and began life as a family. We have never experienced such pure and complete joy and love in our lives. It was the most perfect, beautiful week. Our hearts, our lives, were complete.

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day! Mike and I flew out yesterday;it was our last chance to enjoy an easy breeze through airport security - no stroller, diapers, formula. After all the worldwide adventures we've had together we've definitely become seasoned travelers, but we confess that we are a little stressed thinking about how we will survive flying home with a newborn. We took advantage of the time at the baggage check station to get advice from the Southwest Agent on how not to become "those people." She got a giggle out of us. Last night we picked up our little guy's sweet new "ride." His stroller matches his nursery, and is already decked out with a few fun toys...I think Mike is going to wear out the batteries on the little hanging bug that wiggles; he can't stop playing with it. He's so cute... This morning we are trying to relax; our Birth Mom goes in for her pre-op this afternoon, and we are set to meet her and the Social Worker, "M", at 6AM tomorrow. Originally we were going to meet her for breakfast today; we all thought it would be great to meet in person outside of the hospital setting for the first time. After talking to her last night and this morning, though, we agreed she really just needs to take it easy...she is definitely feeling like this little guy is wanting to come say hello. We are at the ready just in case today winds up being The Day! This Mother's Day I have the fullest heart anyone could ever possibly have. At any moment in the next 24 hours I will be meeting my son; I have the most amazing man by my side, (who is going to be a fantastic Daddy); I have an incredible group of friends, who have kept me sane with all my pre-Mommy jitters; and I have the footsteps of my Mom to follow over the years to come. OK,little guy! We are ready to do this! See you soon!! Xoxo

And Then, there were Three....

Well technically, if you count the dog and the cat, it will be four.

Anyway, this one will be short but happy.  We are on our way to Oklahoma to meet our son. 

But I can't leave you with nothing, so I will share with you our top-ten lessons learned from 6 years of having a dog and cat before having a child.  We will not make the following mistakes twice:
10. No people food, especially from the table.
9. No treats unless you sit, shake, and speak...in that exact order.
8. No going outside without a leash.
7. We will try to tire with a long run so you'll sleep if we have to leave you in the house for a couple hours.
6. No jumping on the bed or furniture, you may shed too much.
5. Keep the spray bottle handle to deter you from going where we don't want you to go.
4. We will be sure to have ice cream ready to hand you if we need you to be quiet during an important call.
3. We know that 4 days is the threshold for your litter box to go uncleaned.
2. We will teach you to play fetch better.
1. If we need to bribe you with milk bones, we won't show you where we keep them; you may leverage that.

Now, where do I find some cigars?

A Million Miles a Minute

So what was I say previously about all the waiting? Whew!...Disregard!! We are going from zero to baby in no time flat now.

We woke up Monday planning on having 15 days to get everything prepped and ready for meeting our little one; by Tuesday evening we were down to 5; it seems our little guy is just as excited to come out and meet us as we are to meet him!

Since being matched with our Birth Mom we've been overjoyed; we've also been running full-stem ahead to get things arranged at work, home, and on the legal side. There's been a slew of legal contracts and additional applications to complete,  some "sticker-shock" to get over (we'll dive into that later...but the price we were told has crept up...and up...), travel arrangements to make, and oh, yeah- the nursery!! (Not to mention the same day we found out our little guy is arriving early we also received orders from the Army - we're moving in July!) Good thing we aren't a fans of "boring!"

Timing could not have been better, though. As luck would have it my Parents just happened to be heading down to visit before we knew we had been matched. From the moment they pulled in the driveway we have kept them busy - I don't know how we could have pulled this off without them being here this week! While Mike and I have been making calls, running around faxing paperwork, and  trying to get everything organized at work and for the month ahead, my parents have been able to get the spare room cleared out and ready to become the nursery, and in a true labor of love my Mom has stripped down the antique dresser we had purchased and refinished it to become the accent piece in the room. We haven't had to worry about making dinner, doing laundry, dishes....if it weren't for them we'd probably gone all week without eating; there just hasn't been a second to sit and breathe!

***

Last week we had planned on diving into the financial side of an adoption; I'm glad it worked out that we didn't get to that topic - obviously most importantly because it means we've been so distracted by the amazing news that we're going to be a Mommy & Daddy, but secondly because this week has been a crash course in "what a lawyer says isn't what a lawyer means." When we finally have the chance to sit down and write about the financial side, we will have a lot more experience and wisdom to pass on to you about this topic. Right now I won't lie - we are feeling completely overwhelmed with all the additional costs that we keep finding out about, but we are reminding ourselves that come Monday when we're holding our son (OUR son! Can you believe that?!!) none of the stress of this week will even matter.

***

We have been able to talk to our Birth Mom through phone calls and e-mails a few more times this week, and she's even sent us a few ultrasound images! We feel so incredibly lucky to be able to get to know her; throughout this whole process we've tried to think ahead to what will be the best for our little one as he gets older and begins to ask questions. We've always felt it was important to be able to answer his questions, and want him to know about his Birth Mom. In focusing on what we feel is best for our child, we overlooked how much we would benefit as well. The relationship we have begun to build with her has really made this whole experience even more beautiful and enriching.

***

With each State having its own adoption laws there's certainly a lot of added details in the process, but right now we are keeping our "eyes on the prize." Very soon we will be landing in another state, and meeting our Birth Mom at the hospital. (we're hoping our little guy can hang on 'till we get there- she's been having contractions!) We truly feel in our hearts that everything is going to go smoothly, but we will certainly still be holding our breaths. Our Birth Mom will go to court one day after she is released from the hospital to sign the paperwork relinquishing her parental rights. We cannot imagine the emotions she is feeling, and hope we have found the right words to express to her how much we respect her, support her, and are grateful for her. She will forever be in our hearts and lives, and hopefully she knows this. This little guy is already loved by so many of our friends and family; we want her to know without a doubt that she has made the best decision for herself and her baby. We feel like our conversations have put all of us at ease and at peace; now it's just hoping we are right.



Our First Date

This entire journey has been unreal, and we are both so fortunate to be able to say that with every step we have felt completely confident that the path we chose was 100% the right path for us.  K has been there for us each and every time we've needed her - guiding us not only on the "business" side of adoption, but helping to keep us sane emotionally as well. How will we ever thank her? We just don't know...but she is forever a part of our hearts and lives.

Yesterday K came through for us once again; our Birth Mom wanted to talk to us, and a phone call had been set up for last night. We were extremely excited to be able to get to "meet" her, but we were also  very nervous...what if we said something stupid that made her not like us? Would she change her mind? What do we talk about? Where do we start? We have so many questions, but no idea how to ask them. This, in essence, was going to be the most important "first date" of our lives, and we just were clueless on how to handle it.

K, as always, had the solution. Help came in the form of a gal we'll call K2; she is our very own "Hitch" - a dating guru, but for adoptive parents.

K2 is a Birth Mom herself. She has a beautiful story of how her unplanned pregancy became a unique blessing in her life, and she now selflessly shares her story and perspective with Adoptive Parents like us, who are about to talk to their Birth Mom for the first time.  This is one of the biggest 'perks' available to us by choosing A Step Ahead (the adoption consulting agency we are using); without her we would have been a couple of bumbling idiots, and the experience could have been a complete disaster rather than the resounding success that it was.

K2 spent the morning answering the numerous questions that we had, and helping us better appreciate what our Birth Mom is going through. By the time we were dialing our Birth Mom's phone number we were still nervous -how could we be anything else? - but we were nervous with confidence.

It was amazing; our Birth Mom answered the phone, we managed to get out the first sentence without puking or mumbling in a foreign language, and from there it all just flowed.

I won't say it was perfect - there were a couple of pauses (we recovered nicely), and at one point I found myself saying "I'm sorry, did you just say your daughter likes strippers?" (doh! Yes - I did really say that!! Thankfully, it got a laugh, though...between my bad hearing and the phone connection I swear that's what I heard and I knew it wasn't correct, but my poorly worded question just popped out before I could stop myself. Still kicking myself for that one...). But we learned so much about her, and we feel fantastic that we have started to build this relationship with her.

We won't go into details since it is a private conversation, but we will share that we just couldn't be any happier that she is our Birth Mom. She is honestly just wonderful, and we truly do have several things in common...on top of the similar interests and hobbies, it gave me goosebumps to hear how she felt in her heart about our profile the way we felt in ours about hers. This really is meant to be...

*On a side note, we just want to stress to anyone considering adoption to please ask the agencies, lawyers, and/or consulting firms that you are interviewing about the types of resources they will have available to you. Not all adoptive parents will get to meet or talk to their Birth Moms, but if you do it is undoubtebly an incredibly important (and nerve-wracking) experience. Having the ability to talk to someone about this conversation is incredibly helpful, and if it can be from the perspective of a Birth Mom you will benefit tremendously.

**On a really cool side note, how cool is it that we now know our little guy is apparently quite active in our Birth Mom's belly? He's doing great according to the last Drs appointment!