Mike and I have been truly touched by several e-mails we have received from our blog posts. Several people have reached out to share their own battles with infertility, and have thanked us for sharing our story and offering insight into the domestic adoption process. We decided to share our story in hopes that we would not only keep our family and close friends informed on how things were going, but also help others learn more about this process so that they could make the most informed decisions for themselves.
While there are certainly some frustrating moments (and lots of red tape) to battle through, we want to reiterate that it is beyond worth it to know that in the end we will be a family. We knew we would inevitably face some hard decisions and letdowns; last week was a perfect example.
In sharing these ups and downs we hopefully are not coming across "whiney" - our intention is just simply tell it like it is. So many couples were willing to be open and honest with us so that we could be prepared for what we were about to experience. While it's certainly different to actually live it, we hope our story helps others be prepared.
Your support, encouragement, and willingness to share your own stories is very heartwarming. Thank You.
K told us this morning that she had two more profiles coming our way; she was waiting on all the information to become available before passing them on to us. We are certainly anxious and hopeful to review those, and will of course keep you updated on any developments.
In the meantime, this week we will be diving into the financial part of a adoption. The majority of resources out there tell you that an adoption will cost about $20-35,000. As we've quickly learned, those prices are not truly accurate...we've had one adoption come across our plates for $40k, another for $53k; and those were literally just for the adoption. The costs of the Home Study, creating your Adoption Profile, legal paperwork to finalize the adoption, and travel/living costs for when you are united with your baby (if he/she is in another state or country) are not part of that adoption cost you are quoted. (don't forget you still need to set up the nursery!)
We hope by breaking down the costs in our story you will have a better idea of what to prepare for your own adoption story. (and for those who are just curious, we certainly hope the financial realities will open your eyes to the need for continuing the current tax credits that are available for families once their adoption is finalized)
Monday, April 30, 2012
Saturday, April 28, 2012
How many steps in the 12-Step program?
From the beginning of this journey, I have vowed to make the most rational decisions based off the best information, not emotion. But for the first time, the emotional toll was starting to hit me.
Missie and I were very upfront when we started looking at profiles of potential birth mothers; if/when we saw the word "Meth" anywhere, it was going to be a loud thunderous 'NO'. Pretty easy, right?
This past week, our adoption consultant, K, presented us with a profile. The baby, a boy, had already been born (27 weeks premature) in Arizona. We read the profile about the birth mother, and there it was...METH. She already had 10 kids, all taken from her by protective services, and had openly admitted to using Meth through her the pregnancy. But, according to a report from the hospital, the baby was healthy albeit still very little.
Another variable, the price. We had determined that without toughing our retirements, we can now do $33,000. This was going to cost $40,000. Another kicker, and this may have been the straw, the lawyer representing her was willing to reduce the cost to $30,000 for us. How many lawyers do you know would actually give you a discount? Not many. Not to sound cliche, but it was almost an offer we couldn't refuse.
We thought about it. Were we going to deviate from our convictions? Would we cave and accept what we said we wouldn't? If we do, where would it stop? And at what cost? The remainder of our retirements to just make a payment on the medical bills of a child who was born under the influence of Meth?
After some consulting with various folks in the medical field and some who have actually adopted children in that very circumstance; we got some good advice. We passed on the profile. This is where it got emotional. I started to see this as a sure thing for us. We would have a baby. We would finally be parents. All we would have had to do was say yes and so it shall have been. But it wasn't. I think history will show we made the right call.
Then it started again...the emotions. I started to get extremely angry. Angry at this woman in Arizona. How dare her? Who the hell does she think she is? How could she do that to a poor innocent child that has done nothing? She already screwed up her own life, why did she have to do it to another? (or in her case, 10 others).
I'll admit, I cried. Not as much as at the end of Marley and Me, but I did.
We made our decision and stand by it. Many friends have offered their encouragement and compliments and pep talks. I'll be honest, I don't need a pep talk; I just want to know I am doing the right thing.
Missie and I were very upfront when we started looking at profiles of potential birth mothers; if/when we saw the word "Meth" anywhere, it was going to be a loud thunderous 'NO'. Pretty easy, right?
This past week, our adoption consultant, K, presented us with a profile. The baby, a boy, had already been born (27 weeks premature) in Arizona. We read the profile about the birth mother, and there it was...METH. She already had 10 kids, all taken from her by protective services, and had openly admitted to using Meth through her the pregnancy. But, according to a report from the hospital, the baby was healthy albeit still very little.
Another variable, the price. We had determined that without toughing our retirements, we can now do $33,000. This was going to cost $40,000. Another kicker, and this may have been the straw, the lawyer representing her was willing to reduce the cost to $30,000 for us. How many lawyers do you know would actually give you a discount? Not many. Not to sound cliche, but it was almost an offer we couldn't refuse.
We thought about it. Were we going to deviate from our convictions? Would we cave and accept what we said we wouldn't? If we do, where would it stop? And at what cost? The remainder of our retirements to just make a payment on the medical bills of a child who was born under the influence of Meth?
After some consulting with various folks in the medical field and some who have actually adopted children in that very circumstance; we got some good advice. We passed on the profile. This is where it got emotional. I started to see this as a sure thing for us. We would have a baby. We would finally be parents. All we would have had to do was say yes and so it shall have been. But it wasn't. I think history will show we made the right call.
Then it started again...the emotions. I started to get extremely angry. Angry at this woman in Arizona. How dare her? Who the hell does she think she is? How could she do that to a poor innocent child that has done nothing? She already screwed up her own life, why did she have to do it to another? (or in her case, 10 others).
I'll admit, I cried. Not as much as at the end of Marley and Me, but I did.
We made our decision and stand by it. Many friends have offered their encouragement and compliments and pep talks. I'll be honest, I don't need a pep talk; I just want to know I am doing the right thing.
"Labor" Pains
Yesterday was a tough day; but that's OK...I mean, it's not because we're bummed and quite honestly both need a long nap and bottle of wine to get over the emotional rollercoaster, but we knew going into this there were going to be a lot of ups and downs, tough decisions, and possible heartbreaks. But in the end it's all worth it.
I always hear women talking about their labor & delivery stories. After the braxton hicks, contractions, labor pains, and other "fun" associated with giving birth, the consensus is usually that after going through all of that you completely forget just how painful it was. You're holding this precious baby, and that's all that matters.
So, I guess this is our version of experiencing labor pains. Right now is not a particularly fun experience, but the excitment for what will eventually be makes it bearable. And once it's all said and done, and we're flying home as a family, this will all have been worth it.
After a lot of debate and medical talk, we decided that the Birth Mother's Meth use was just a little too scary for us. I feel horrible saying that, because this poor baby did nothing wrong and just needs a loving home. We would more than provide that; but there were just so many scary stories about the emotional and medical problems a meth baby could have as they grew. We just don't know if we are prepared to take that on. The cost of the adoption was the other contributing factor; we just couldn't swing it.
We were still waiting for the first Birth Mom to make her decision, and quite honestly we felt really good about that profile and our chances of being picked. We'd heard such good things about our Adoption Profile, and we fit the requirements for what the Birth Mom was looking for in a couple. It made "passing" on the little premie a bit easier to swallow; we still had hope and we were hanging on to it with everything.
Late yesterday afternoon K sent me an e-mail asking me to call her ASAP. I knew it couldn't be the news we wanted to hear; if it was good she would have been on the phone right away to us with a big smile in her voice.
The first Birth Mom - the one we were really feel good about - wasn't going to pick us. A lot of families had submitted their profiles excited about that case, and ours wasn't at the top of her list.
While we completely understood and knew this was a possibility, it was a letdown. But, that's all part of this process...and like I wrote before, some other family is going to get the news they've been waiting for. Someday that will be us; but for whatever reason, this one was not meant to be.
(he is going to be a gorgeous baby. I think a part of me will always wonder about him. A mix of Puerto Rican, African American, Greek, and Caucasian....I'd be lying if I said I didn't already picture myself holding him....)
K would later get back in touch with us. She was calling with something a little unprecidented; the lawyer in the premie/meth baby case had called her. He understood we were unable to afford that adoption, and eventhough he also knew we weren't comfortable with the meth use he wanted us to reconsider. He was offering to help us find a place to stay while the baby was in the hospital, and would take $10,000 off the cost of the adoption to help us out. Apparently there were also some donations that would be available to help us as well.
Thank goodness for K. I was a mess. This baby needs love, and we have it to give...but we had already decided that this case was too risky for us. Part of me - no, all of me - felt like a gigantic hypocrite and jerk. If my own parents had known that eventually I would have major medical problems, would they have still wanted to raise me? I would hope so. And did me being diagnosed with a rare vascular disease make them love me any less, or make me seem like a burdon? I sure don't feel like it did....so how on earth can we want nothing more than to be parents, and then turn our backs on a baby in need because we didn't think we could handle the lifetime of medical and emotional issues that would result from his Birth Mom's drug use?
Several posts ago we talked about how throughout this process you have to be honest with yourself, with what you are comfortable with, and with what you could realistically afford. This was not easy for us; emotionally we wanted to be on a plane headed out to rescue this baby.
Being an adoptive Mom herself, and having to have made these same types of tough desicions, it was so wonderful to have K's shoulder to lean on. She understood how hard this was, and how much it was weighing on us. She admitted that she almost didn't call us with this lawyer's offer; she knew it was going to be hard on us. If he had only offered a couple thousand off she said she knew it wouldn't have been worth it, but she'd never had a lawyer offer to take so much of the cost off in addition to helping in other ways, so she felt she had to give us the offer to consider.
In the end, we stayed with our decision to keep waiting for another case....
I always hear women talking about their labor & delivery stories. After the braxton hicks, contractions, labor pains, and other "fun" associated with giving birth, the consensus is usually that after going through all of that you completely forget just how painful it was. You're holding this precious baby, and that's all that matters.
So, I guess this is our version of experiencing labor pains. Right now is not a particularly fun experience, but the excitment for what will eventually be makes it bearable. And once it's all said and done, and we're flying home as a family, this will all have been worth it.
After a lot of debate and medical talk, we decided that the Birth Mother's Meth use was just a little too scary for us. I feel horrible saying that, because this poor baby did nothing wrong and just needs a loving home. We would more than provide that; but there were just so many scary stories about the emotional and medical problems a meth baby could have as they grew. We just don't know if we are prepared to take that on. The cost of the adoption was the other contributing factor; we just couldn't swing it.
We were still waiting for the first Birth Mom to make her decision, and quite honestly we felt really good about that profile and our chances of being picked. We'd heard such good things about our Adoption Profile, and we fit the requirements for what the Birth Mom was looking for in a couple. It made "passing" on the little premie a bit easier to swallow; we still had hope and we were hanging on to it with everything.
***
Late yesterday afternoon K sent me an e-mail asking me to call her ASAP. I knew it couldn't be the news we wanted to hear; if it was good she would have been on the phone right away to us with a big smile in her voice.
The first Birth Mom - the one we were really feel good about - wasn't going to pick us. A lot of families had submitted their profiles excited about that case, and ours wasn't at the top of her list.
While we completely understood and knew this was a possibility, it was a letdown. But, that's all part of this process...and like I wrote before, some other family is going to get the news they've been waiting for. Someday that will be us; but for whatever reason, this one was not meant to be.
(he is going to be a gorgeous baby. I think a part of me will always wonder about him. A mix of Puerto Rican, African American, Greek, and Caucasian....I'd be lying if I said I didn't already picture myself holding him....)
K would later get back in touch with us. She was calling with something a little unprecidented; the lawyer in the premie/meth baby case had called her. He understood we were unable to afford that adoption, and eventhough he also knew we weren't comfortable with the meth use he wanted us to reconsider. He was offering to help us find a place to stay while the baby was in the hospital, and would take $10,000 off the cost of the adoption to help us out. Apparently there were also some donations that would be available to help us as well.
Thank goodness for K. I was a mess. This baby needs love, and we have it to give...but we had already decided that this case was too risky for us. Part of me - no, all of me - felt like a gigantic hypocrite and jerk. If my own parents had known that eventually I would have major medical problems, would they have still wanted to raise me? I would hope so. And did me being diagnosed with a rare vascular disease make them love me any less, or make me seem like a burdon? I sure don't feel like it did....so how on earth can we want nothing more than to be parents, and then turn our backs on a baby in need because we didn't think we could handle the lifetime of medical and emotional issues that would result from his Birth Mom's drug use?
Several posts ago we talked about how throughout this process you have to be honest with yourself, with what you are comfortable with, and with what you could realistically afford. This was not easy for us; emotionally we wanted to be on a plane headed out to rescue this baby.
Being an adoptive Mom herself, and having to have made these same types of tough desicions, it was so wonderful to have K's shoulder to lean on. She understood how hard this was, and how much it was weighing on us. She admitted that she almost didn't call us with this lawyer's offer; she knew it was going to be hard on us. If he had only offered a couple thousand off she said she knew it wouldn't have been worth it, but she'd never had a lawyer offer to take so much of the cost off in addition to helping in other ways, so she felt she had to give us the offer to consider.
In the end, we stayed with our decision to keep waiting for another case....
Friday, April 27, 2012
Keep Calm and Eat Chocolate
Wow, what a week...now that we've made it to Friday I can only be shocked that I've managed to get any work done, sleep, and not go completely insane with anticipation. While chocolate consumption has gone up (damn you, emotional eating! boo!!), I have felt surprisingly relaxed...
Is this calmness something in my gut (oh, remind me to do some more crunches this weekend - that chocolate is going to give me an actual gut if this goes on much longer) telling me that somehow this is all going to work out, and soon, so there's no need to be anxious? I guess only time will tell me why I'm so calm.
All week we've been waiting to hear any news on the decision of a Birth Mom. It would have been awesome if she took one glance at our Profile and immediately cast all others aside because (obviously) there just can't be any other couples as amazing and deserving as we are. (ha) But, this is obviously a huge decision for her; I'm glad to feel like she is really looking at the profiles and taking some time to think it over. More the confident she feels in her decision, the better...
But on the other hand...HURRY UP! M&Ms candy has a bag out there full of all-chocolate M&Ms, and if you find it you win a $100,000...if this chocolate therapy of mine continues, I'm going to have that bag found (and devoured) by Monday. One way or the other, I need to know.
OK....so that's story "A". Keep that packaged neatly in your noggin', and then hold on to your hat because the ride is about to get a little bumpy...
I was very proud of myself for not becoming a crazy spazz all week...I waited a full 36 hours before sending K the first set of "any news yet?" e-mails. Put a big gold star next to my name, please, for showing restraint.
With all the focus being on waiting this week, I hadn't realized that no other profiles had crossed our path. (we get the benefit of still being able to see and accept profiles while waiting on a Birth Mom from another profile to make her decision). So at 5:30 last night when an e-mail came in from K I didn't think it would be about anything other than this waiting game we were playing.
The e-mail started out "Take a deep breath....take another one....we have a situation, BUT....."
Oh, no! Not the dreaded "but...."!!!
My mind immediately went to this case we were waiting on. "but...." ??? She picked us but..... but what? What could it be?
Turns out this "but" is a little baby boy...already born...a premie, born at 29 weeks. He's a little over 3 lbs, and doing great. He's out on the west coast, and the Birth Mom is not picking the family he goes to, her adoption agency is. She's given up other children for adoption in the past, so - while heartbreaking to think of - it's a good sign for us; the potential for her to change her mind is incredibly low. If the agency were to pick us, this would pretty much be a done deal, no hiccups....
BUT....
Because the baby is a premie he is going to be in the hospital until mid June, which would require us to live there with him until he is released and the paperwork is signed. This is easy enough for me- I run my own business, am my own boss. It's not ideal to just shut down and go, but this is a baby we're talking about and heck ya I'll do whatever it takes! Get me a plane ticket!
BUT... (oooooh I hate that word!)
With the baby already born, that means on top of the adoption costs there's some medical costs. Our insurance would cover the baby once the paperwork was signed and he was legally ours, but in the mean time while he's on state medical care the agency is taking on costs and will want that money back as part of the adoption. Tack on to the money for all of this the living expenses for me to stay in another state for several weeks, and plane tickets for Mike (who would have to stay back here for work) to come back and forth a few times, and we have ourselves a real hum-dinger of a price tag. But (but, but, but, but, but)....it's a "gauranteed" adoption. We know we'd be coming home with a baby...isn't that worth every nickle and dime and credit card bill? OF COURSE!
BUT....(errr...)
While the medical report from the hospital shows that the baby is doing well, there are some big concerns to ponder. The Birth Mom is addicted to Meth...she (thankfully) openly admits to using it during the pregnancy, in addition to smoking. To read her story, in her own words, is absolutly heartbreaking...
She's had a tough, tough life. She has 10 living children, none of whom live with her. She's trying to overcome her problems, and wrote that she's trying to get clean, get her act together, and become a drug abuse counselor. Every string attached to my heart was being tugged on. To read the words she wrote to this baby boy....oh. For privacy reasons I won't quote them, but she wrote about wanting him to know this was not his fault, and that she knew bringing him up in her current situation would be selfish and cruel, and that she only wanted the best for him.
While I certainly don't respect her choices of using Meth, I have nothing but respect for honesty and bravery in having to admit that she is unfit to be a parent. And while I won't ever meet her to tell her this, I really and truly hope she is able to turn her life around. She may be "weak" when it comes to drug and poor choices in life, but she is certainly strong in my book.
We spoke with K last night, trying to wrap our heads around everything. She has a photo of the baby, but she (wisely) didn't send it with the medical files because she didn't want us to get too emotionally attached and not think clearly about all the "buts" surrounding this situation.
Knowing this was out of our league financially, we asked her if there was any way to tell them how much we could pay. Can you barter for a baby? Surprisingly, K said that's not completely out of the question. We wouldn't be able to do that now...we'd have to submit our profile to the agency and see if they picked us. If so, then we could say "but this is all we have...." and see if there's any way some of the costs could be reduced. But,(oh that stupid word) they most likely will say no. Always worth a shot to ask, but certainly not something to count on.
Is this calmness something in my gut (oh, remind me to do some more crunches this weekend - that chocolate is going to give me an actual gut if this goes on much longer) telling me that somehow this is all going to work out, and soon, so there's no need to be anxious? I guess only time will tell me why I'm so calm.
All week we've been waiting to hear any news on the decision of a Birth Mom. It would have been awesome if she took one glance at our Profile and immediately cast all others aside because (obviously) there just can't be any other couples as amazing and deserving as we are. (ha) But, this is obviously a huge decision for her; I'm glad to feel like she is really looking at the profiles and taking some time to think it over. More the confident she feels in her decision, the better...
But on the other hand...HURRY UP! M&Ms candy has a bag out there full of all-chocolate M&Ms, and if you find it you win a $100,000...if this chocolate therapy of mine continues, I'm going to have that bag found (and devoured) by Monday. One way or the other, I need to know.
OK....so that's story "A". Keep that packaged neatly in your noggin', and then hold on to your hat because the ride is about to get a little bumpy...
I was very proud of myself for not becoming a crazy spazz all week...I waited a full 36 hours before sending K the first set of "any news yet?" e-mails. Put a big gold star next to my name, please, for showing restraint.
With all the focus being on waiting this week, I hadn't realized that no other profiles had crossed our path. (we get the benefit of still being able to see and accept profiles while waiting on a Birth Mom from another profile to make her decision). So at 5:30 last night when an e-mail came in from K I didn't think it would be about anything other than this waiting game we were playing.
The e-mail started out "Take a deep breath....take another one....we have a situation, BUT....."
Oh, no! Not the dreaded "but...."!!!
My mind immediately went to this case we were waiting on. "but...." ??? She picked us but..... but what? What could it be?
Turns out this "but" is a little baby boy...already born...a premie, born at 29 weeks. He's a little over 3 lbs, and doing great. He's out on the west coast, and the Birth Mom is not picking the family he goes to, her adoption agency is. She's given up other children for adoption in the past, so - while heartbreaking to think of - it's a good sign for us; the potential for her to change her mind is incredibly low. If the agency were to pick us, this would pretty much be a done deal, no hiccups....
BUT....
Because the baby is a premie he is going to be in the hospital until mid June, which would require us to live there with him until he is released and the paperwork is signed. This is easy enough for me- I run my own business, am my own boss. It's not ideal to just shut down and go, but this is a baby we're talking about and heck ya I'll do whatever it takes! Get me a plane ticket!
BUT... (oooooh I hate that word!)
With the baby already born, that means on top of the adoption costs there's some medical costs. Our insurance would cover the baby once the paperwork was signed and he was legally ours, but in the mean time while he's on state medical care the agency is taking on costs and will want that money back as part of the adoption. Tack on to the money for all of this the living expenses for me to stay in another state for several weeks, and plane tickets for Mike (who would have to stay back here for work) to come back and forth a few times, and we have ourselves a real hum-dinger of a price tag. But (but, but, but, but, but)....it's a "gauranteed" adoption. We know we'd be coming home with a baby...isn't that worth every nickle and dime and credit card bill? OF COURSE!
BUT....(errr...)
While the medical report from the hospital shows that the baby is doing well, there are some big concerns to ponder. The Birth Mom is addicted to Meth...she (thankfully) openly admits to using it during the pregnancy, in addition to smoking. To read her story, in her own words, is absolutly heartbreaking...
She's had a tough, tough life. She has 10 living children, none of whom live with her. She's trying to overcome her problems, and wrote that she's trying to get clean, get her act together, and become a drug abuse counselor. Every string attached to my heart was being tugged on. To read the words she wrote to this baby boy....oh. For privacy reasons I won't quote them, but she wrote about wanting him to know this was not his fault, and that she knew bringing him up in her current situation would be selfish and cruel, and that she only wanted the best for him.
While I certainly don't respect her choices of using Meth, I have nothing but respect for honesty and bravery in having to admit that she is unfit to be a parent. And while I won't ever meet her to tell her this, I really and truly hope she is able to turn her life around. She may be "weak" when it comes to drug and poor choices in life, but she is certainly strong in my book.
We spoke with K last night, trying to wrap our heads around everything. She has a photo of the baby, but she (wisely) didn't send it with the medical files because she didn't want us to get too emotionally attached and not think clearly about all the "buts" surrounding this situation.
Knowing this was out of our league financially, we asked her if there was any way to tell them how much we could pay. Can you barter for a baby? Surprisingly, K said that's not completely out of the question. We wouldn't be able to do that now...we'd have to submit our profile to the agency and see if they picked us. If so, then we could say "but this is all we have...." and see if there's any way some of the costs could be reduced. But,(oh that stupid word) they most likely will say no. Always worth a shot to ask, but certainly not something to count on.
***
So, after all this...what do we do?
We both still feel very good and hopeful about Baby Situation A . Our fingers and toes are still crossed that we'll hear something soon, and that it will be good news. For now, though, we need to wrap our heads around Baby Situation B. Of course Mike's day is filled with meetings, and we have to let K know today how we want to proceed with this.
Will I be hopping on a plane tonight? We had told ourselves the word "Meth" showing up in a profile would be a big "no" for us, but then emotions kick in...
I think I'll go take our dog for a walk and see if I can spare myself from any more chocolate today...
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Taking a shot...
And just like that, with a little kangaroo hopping sound coming from beneath my pile of paperwork, The Dry Spell ended.
After 23 days of anxiously awaiting another profile to appear in my inbox, I was almost - almost - cured from my obsession with checking my inbox. I was beginning to realize I was driving myself bonkers, and I was making a solid effort to limit the amount of times in a day I would check my e-mail. But as I stood in front of my desk waiting for images to upload, my little e-mail alert sounded from cell phone; I couldn't help but feel a glimmer of hope. I allowed myself to check my messages.
SCORE! A profile! Finally!
I read the profile and, unlike the previous profiles, didn't see any immediate "red flags" calling out other than the at-risk amount that would be due if we were matched. But at some point we will have to take a leap of faith, and the circumstances surrounding this adoption and Birth Mom make it seem as if there will be less risk that she will change her mind about going through with the adoption. I forwarded the profile on to Mike, and gave him a buzz at work to let him know.
The luxury of time doesn't really exist in the adoption process. When we receive a profile the Birth Mom is typically already in her third trimester, if she hasn't already given birth, and will be meeting with her Social Worker sometime within a couple of days to review Adoption Profiles to select a family. We have several printed books of our profile ready to be mailed out at a moments notice, in addition to a .pdf version. In this case, we received the profile yesterday and the Birth Mom was going to be reviewing profiles today. No time to dilly-dally on deciding whether or not we wanted to give this a shot.
Not the best scenario to have to call your hubby at work to discuss something as huge as this, but time was ticking. After giving Mike some time to look over the profile and gather his initial thoughts we were back on the phone with each other. The verdict: we had a few questions, but we weren't ready to say "no, thanks".
This little baby is a boy, and he's due to greet the world in only a couple of weeks. WOWZA!
Fast-forward a few hours and we still hadn't made a solid decision, mainly because we just couldn't really talk while at work. With errands to run we found ourselves chatting as we meandered through the aisles of Target...hardly ideal, but you can only work with what you've got.
By the time we were hitting the sack for the night we had made our decision - we were going to give this one a shot! I e-mailed K to let her know, and then tried to get some sleep. {but how can you sleep with that kind of anticipation!?}
So.....now it's a new waiting game we're playing.
Thankfully for this profile we could submit the .pdf version of our Adoption Profile, so I was able to send that off with a smile this morning. The Birth Mom was scheduled to come in today to review various profiles, (on average she will view 10), and hopefully find the couple (pick us! pick us!) that she envisions her baby having a beautiful life with. This particular Birth Mom wants to talk to the couple, and is open to meeting them in person at the hospital. Over the years she would also love to have updates via letters and photos....
this is exactly the level of open-ness we were hoping for.
I anticipated after hitting the "send" button that I would be incredibly anxious all day, but I've actually felt really calm. I realize that however anxious and excited we feel, we certainly can't truly understand how a Birth Mom feels. For as much as I keep thinking "oh, pick us! please!" I also have to hope that she feels at peace with her decision. What a tremendous amount of love she must have in her heart to acknowledge that, for whatever reasons, she cannot give this baby the life that he deserves.
I go to bed tonight with high hopes that tomorrow we'll hear that she really liked our profile, and she wants to talk to us. But I also go to bed with a soft smile thinking that while I'll certainly be sad if she doesn't pick us, that just means some other couple is going to be getting the news they've been waiting . Thanks to this Birth Mom, some family is about to be completed - and you just can't feel bad about that...
After 23 days of anxiously awaiting another profile to appear in my inbox, I was almost - almost - cured from my obsession with checking my inbox. I was beginning to realize I was driving myself bonkers, and I was making a solid effort to limit the amount of times in a day I would check my e-mail. But as I stood in front of my desk waiting for images to upload, my little e-mail alert sounded from cell phone; I couldn't help but feel a glimmer of hope. I allowed myself to check my messages.
SCORE! A profile! Finally!
I read the profile and, unlike the previous profiles, didn't see any immediate "red flags" calling out other than the at-risk amount that would be due if we were matched. But at some point we will have to take a leap of faith, and the circumstances surrounding this adoption and Birth Mom make it seem as if there will be less risk that she will change her mind about going through with the adoption. I forwarded the profile on to Mike, and gave him a buzz at work to let him know.
The luxury of time doesn't really exist in the adoption process. When we receive a profile the Birth Mom is typically already in her third trimester, if she hasn't already given birth, and will be meeting with her Social Worker sometime within a couple of days to review Adoption Profiles to select a family. We have several printed books of our profile ready to be mailed out at a moments notice, in addition to a .pdf version. In this case, we received the profile yesterday and the Birth Mom was going to be reviewing profiles today. No time to dilly-dally on deciding whether or not we wanted to give this a shot.
Not the best scenario to have to call your hubby at work to discuss something as huge as this, but time was ticking. After giving Mike some time to look over the profile and gather his initial thoughts we were back on the phone with each other. The verdict: we had a few questions, but we weren't ready to say "no, thanks".
This little baby is a boy, and he's due to greet the world in only a couple of weeks. WOWZA!
Fast-forward a few hours and we still hadn't made a solid decision, mainly because we just couldn't really talk while at work. With errands to run we found ourselves chatting as we meandered through the aisles of Target...hardly ideal, but you can only work with what you've got.
By the time we were hitting the sack for the night we had made our decision - we were going to give this one a shot! I e-mailed K to let her know, and then tried to get some sleep. {but how can you sleep with that kind of anticipation!?}
***
So.....now it's a new waiting game we're playing.
Thankfully for this profile we could submit the .pdf version of our Adoption Profile, so I was able to send that off with a smile this morning. The Birth Mom was scheduled to come in today to review various profiles, (on average she will view 10), and hopefully find the couple (pick us! pick us!) that she envisions her baby having a beautiful life with. This particular Birth Mom wants to talk to the couple, and is open to meeting them in person at the hospital. Over the years she would also love to have updates via letters and photos....
this is exactly the level of open-ness we were hoping for.
I anticipated after hitting the "send" button that I would be incredibly anxious all day, but I've actually felt really calm. I realize that however anxious and excited we feel, we certainly can't truly understand how a Birth Mom feels. For as much as I keep thinking "oh, pick us! please!" I also have to hope that she feels at peace with her decision. What a tremendous amount of love she must have in her heart to acknowledge that, for whatever reasons, she cannot give this baby the life that he deserves.
I go to bed tonight with high hopes that tomorrow we'll hear that she really liked our profile, and she wants to talk to us. But I also go to bed with a soft smile thinking that while I'll certainly be sad if she doesn't pick us, that just means some other couple is going to be getting the news they've been waiting . Thanks to this Birth Mom, some family is about to be completed - and you just can't feel bad about that...
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Will I become the {chubby} Crazy Cat Lady?
Warning: self pity-party and gross over-dramatization is about to follow...
Keep me away from all Pet Smarts, animal shelters, and people on the side of the road with boxes full of puppies to sell this weekend. And DO NOT let me put food out for the stray cats in our backyard. This Dry Spell is now on day 20, and desperation is starting to sink in...my emotions are getting the best of me, and any and all adorable animals coming into my sight will be scooped up and brought home.
I was so excited last night because my quest for the perfect nursery colors and bedding ended. Poor Mike, exhausted after a long day, had to sit through me showing him the two options I'd narrowed it down to; I was going back & forth, and was leaning more towards one when I asked him what he preferred. When he picked the same colors that I had been favoring, I did what any "good wife" does - I then started to prefer the other color set. But in the end I decided to end my hubby's agony and go with what he liked and I intially was drawn to.
(grey and white with a soft aqua, if you're curious)
Now it was my Mom's turn to "suffer." Another late-night phone call to her...
"Oh did I wake you up? I'm sorry ,Mom.....can you go to your computer?" (I'm so damn considerate)
After not finding exactly what colors & patterns I was wanting in any bedding sets sold in stores, I turned to my beloved Etsy for sweet relief. Why didn't I just go there in the first place? Clouds parted (literally, since it was raining outside and it stopped), angels sang, and a ray of (TV) light shined down on my computer screen. There it was...custom baby bedding with fabric choices in exactly the patterns I had been looking for. Now I just needed to decide which patterns combos would become what.
Do I do the chevron crib skirt with a solid border? Baby elephant sheets? No, Polka dots sheets with elephant skirt and chevron blanket. No....the french pattern for the blanket, with the abstract sheets....
oh good grief. Why do I do this to myself? MOMMY!!!
After waking my slumbering Mom, talking her through etsy to find what I was looking at, asking her opinion, (and then discounting her opinion before going back to her opinion), there I had it. Our perfect baby bedding. Soooo excited!
So if I build it, the baby will come - right? I went to bed convinced that this morning I was going to wake up to that long awaited e-mail from K. "Missie & Mike! Great news! Overnight we had a swarm of babies fall from the sky, and all their Birth Moms want you guys! Come quick! Grab as many as you can carry in your arms...you have a convertible, right? Ride with the top down and you can fit more in the car I bet...." Yep, that's exactly what it was going to say....'cause that's just how this whole adoption thing works....
Well, unfortunately while I did wake up to an e-mail from K, it was the exact opposite oh what I wanted to read. "...the adoption horizon is so very quiet...is it the calm before the baby storm? Who knows...can't figure it out. A quiet spell for sure. But I am keeping my eyes and ears open!...."
BLAH...
Where are the kittens? The Puppies? Hell, I'll even take the hairless ugly ones....anything remotely adorable that will keep me occupied during this dry spell. And speaking of emotions, pass me a box of frosted chocolate Munchkins from Dunkin Donuts while you're at it, please....
Keep me away from all Pet Smarts, animal shelters, and people on the side of the road with boxes full of puppies to sell this weekend. And DO NOT let me put food out for the stray cats in our backyard. This Dry Spell is now on day 20, and desperation is starting to sink in...my emotions are getting the best of me, and any and all adorable animals coming into my sight will be scooped up and brought home.
I was so excited last night because my quest for the perfect nursery colors and bedding ended. Poor Mike, exhausted after a long day, had to sit through me showing him the two options I'd narrowed it down to; I was going back & forth, and was leaning more towards one when I asked him what he preferred. When he picked the same colors that I had been favoring, I did what any "good wife" does - I then started to prefer the other color set. But in the end I decided to end my hubby's agony and go with what he liked and I intially was drawn to.
(grey and white with a soft aqua, if you're curious)
Now it was my Mom's turn to "suffer." Another late-night phone call to her...
"Oh did I wake you up? I'm sorry ,Mom.....can you go to your computer?" (I'm so damn considerate)
After not finding exactly what colors & patterns I was wanting in any bedding sets sold in stores, I turned to my beloved Etsy for sweet relief. Why didn't I just go there in the first place? Clouds parted (literally, since it was raining outside and it stopped), angels sang, and a ray of (TV) light shined down on my computer screen. There it was...custom baby bedding with fabric choices in exactly the patterns I had been looking for. Now I just needed to decide which patterns combos would become what.
Do I do the chevron crib skirt with a solid border? Baby elephant sheets? No, Polka dots sheets with elephant skirt and chevron blanket. No....the french pattern for the blanket, with the abstract sheets....
oh good grief. Why do I do this to myself? MOMMY!!!
After waking my slumbering Mom, talking her through etsy to find what I was looking at, asking her opinion, (and then discounting her opinion before going back to her opinion), there I had it. Our perfect baby bedding. Soooo excited!
So if I build it, the baby will come - right? I went to bed convinced that this morning I was going to wake up to that long awaited e-mail from K. "Missie & Mike! Great news! Overnight we had a swarm of babies fall from the sky, and all their Birth Moms want you guys! Come quick! Grab as many as you can carry in your arms...you have a convertible, right? Ride with the top down and you can fit more in the car I bet...." Yep, that's exactly what it was going to say....'cause that's just how this whole adoption thing works....
Well, unfortunately while I did wake up to an e-mail from K, it was the exact opposite oh what I wanted to read. "...the adoption horizon is so very quiet...is it the calm before the baby storm? Who knows...can't figure it out. A quiet spell for sure. But I am keeping my eyes and ears open!...."
BLAH...
Where are the kittens? The Puppies? Hell, I'll even take the hairless ugly ones....anything remotely adorable that will keep me occupied during this dry spell. And speaking of emotions, pass me a box of frosted chocolate Munchkins from Dunkin Donuts while you're at it, please....
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Nesting
Half the Moms I spoke with said that while they were in the "waiting" phase of their adoptions they just couldn't bring themselves to decorate a room. The idea of having a nursery, with no idea of when it would be filled with their little one, was just too much for them. That empty room would be emotionally too much for them.
The other half said they just couldn't hold back. Knowing that the baby would someday - at any time - be in their lives was enough. Planning, shopping, and decorating was a way to celebrate. It also served as good old fashioned retail therapy in the harder days.
Me? I am 100% "game on!" We are on day 18 of our Dry Spell, and I need something fun to work on to keep me distracted.
The nursery 'theme' is what I would describe as Vintage-Modern. Mike likes "eclectic." Our close friends and family are probably shocked that it's not "WVU Mountaineers."
I would hate to know the total amount of hours I have spent this past month looking at baby bedding alone. Mike and I picked out first and middle names for our baby without any trouble, but baby bedding? Ooooooh no, that has been a real ordeal for me. Ironic that deciding the name of our child was so easy when there's all these studies about names and what they mean for your child's success in life; it truly is silly that I'm so hung up on what color sheet and what type of pattern he or she will sleep on. Mike's big hang up? The railing on the crib. (it's so good to know I'm not alone on getting stuck on little details)
While I continue to hem & haw over the perfect pattern and just the right accent color to use, the quest is still on for the ideal crib. We do, however, have an awesome dresser and chair, (both antiques I found at a local store that have just the perfect amount of whimsy to fit in a nursery), and the official "welcome home" outfit - which our friends and family will not be surprised to hear is all WVU apparel.
The other half said they just couldn't hold back. Knowing that the baby would someday - at any time - be in their lives was enough. Planning, shopping, and decorating was a way to celebrate. It also served as good old fashioned retail therapy in the harder days.
Me? I am 100% "game on!" We are on day 18 of our Dry Spell, and I need something fun to work on to keep me distracted.
The nursery 'theme' is what I would describe as Vintage-Modern. Mike likes "eclectic." Our close friends and family are probably shocked that it's not "WVU Mountaineers."
I would hate to know the total amount of hours I have spent this past month looking at baby bedding alone. Mike and I picked out first and middle names for our baby without any trouble, but baby bedding? Ooooooh no, that has been a real ordeal for me. Ironic that deciding the name of our child was so easy when there's all these studies about names and what they mean for your child's success in life; it truly is silly that I'm so hung up on what color sheet and what type of pattern he or she will sleep on. Mike's big hang up? The railing on the crib. (it's so good to know I'm not alone on getting stuck on little details)
While I continue to hem & haw over the perfect pattern and just the right accent color to use, the quest is still on for the ideal crib. We do, however, have an awesome dresser and chair, (both antiques I found at a local store that have just the perfect amount of whimsy to fit in a nursery), and the official "welcome home" outfit - which our friends and family will not be surprised to hear is all WVU apparel.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Jumping through Hoops {The Home Study}
{Day 17 of The Dry Spell....blah...}
At a recent visit to the Vet we learned that somehow our loveable and wacky Lab had become a bit "pudgy."
OK, actually a bit more than "pudgy" - the poor dog was officially labeled as overweight. We were now going to be swapping Milk Bones for carrot sticks, and playtime in the park was going to have to become a bit more strenuous.
This is the dog who jumps and leaps excitedly at the sight of her leash, dashes to the park, and then proceeds to lie down and munch on a stick instead of chasing the ball she was just dropping at your feet, tail wagging, a few minutes ago. She's the canine equivalent of the stylish woman, dressed head to toe in Athleta clothes, who goes to the gym merely to sip on a shot of green-wheat-protein-something-or-other but never once hops on a machine or steps foot in a class. Our dog certainly looks like a Lab and eats like a Lab, but draws the line at the "retriever" part of her name. Clearly getting her to excert energy for longer periods of time was going to mean some bribery.
We are now "those people" at the park; half a Milk Bone in hand, dangling in front of our dog's face, sprinting from one set of trees to the next in mockery of the fact that our pudgy pup will only keep running as long as she thinks she stands a chance of snagging that treat from our hands. You can tell she hates it, but as long as she sees that Milk Bone she will jump through whatever hoops she has to to get it.
In the adoption process, The Home Study to us was just like these "workouts" are to our dog. We were completely aggrevated by it, but it was a hoop we had to jump through, so we just went with it.
Let me take a step back and say we completely understand the necessity for The Home Study process. There are a lot of wackos in this world, and before any newborn or child is placed in a home to be cared for it makes sense to be sure that the environment will be a safe, nuturing one, and that the soon-to-be parents aren't convicted child abusers or drug addicts. It's just frustrating dealing with all the red tape, and certainly a humbling process to have to "prove your worthiness" of being a parent.
Regardless of what route you choose for an Adoption, (Domestic, Foreign, Foster Care, Agency, Private Adoption via a Lawyer, or working with an Adoption Consultant), you have to complete a Home Study. In our case, after we signed on with our Adoption Consultant we were provided with a list of Home Study Agencies in the state of North Carolina that we could choose to work with.
I researched each agency, looking for the fees associated as well as how quickly we would be able to get through the process. In general the agencies here all were going to cost about $3,000-$4,500 to do our Home Study. They all offered "expedited services" for an additional fee, but some agencies were a little backed up, and the process was going to take 12+ weeks to complete regardless. We've waited almost four years to have a family, and I did not have the patience to wait another three months just so we could prove we were "fit" to have a family. We lucked out and signed with a Home Study agency who could complete our process "quickly."
Criminal and Child Abuse Background Checks
Each State has it's own laws regarding adoption. Here in NC we needed to provide criminal background clearances and child abuse background clearances going back five years. If you're lucky this is an easy step - just a few quick forms, a trip to the Court House, and some minor paperwork fees. We had our NC backgrounds done and complete in a day, for about $50. No mess, no stress, fax it all over to our assigned Social Worker, and you're good to go. (we really loved NC for that!)
Our personal hiccups in the system came from being a military family; going back five years meant getting clearances from two additional states. What took less than a day in NC took over a month to get from KS, and don't even get me started on the State of California (they are a 'closed state', so they can't provide you with your own background information if that information is going to be shared with a third party- to include our Social Worker for required paperwork for our adoption). Our own information could not be provided to us, for us to use for a Domestic Adoption. They could give it to us for an International Adoption, but not a Domestic. Huh? Long story short, we are still confused.
We couldn't get our own information, and were told that if we got the information and shared it with our Home Study Agency we could be fined or face jail time. When we called our Home Study agency out of frustration we were told to hire a specific private investigative service. So we couldn't get our own information, but we could pay a complete stranger in NC to pass our Social Security numbers and other critical information on to another person in CA. This person then somehow got a hold of our records, and passed it back on to NC. So much for the "closed state" thing. Like I said, we're still confused.
We jumped through that first hoop, though, and lived to tell the tale.
Letters of Recommendation
Ever wonder just what your friends truly think of you? In the Home Study process you'll have to ask people to write you letters of recommendation. They will need to be notarized, not written by relatives, and refer specifically to what would make you a good parent and your home a positive environment for a child.
Truly humbling to have to ask people to write this for you. But I tell you what, have your box of tissues ready when you read them. We were speechless at the amazing letters our friends and colleagues wrote on our behalf.
The Physical
Yep. The Home Study includes a trip to your Drs office.
It's not a true physical in the sense that Mike had to "turn his head and cough" or I had to run on a treadmill, it's more a series of general questions your physician has to answer and sign off on. "Has this person had a history of mental illness? If yes, please explain" type questions.
There were two questions on there I was very afraid of, though. The first asked about any serious illnesses the person in question was diagnosed with. With my rare disease I kinda panicked thinking "will we fail and not be allowed to adopt?"
Thankfully I was assurred that since I was in remission we would be OK. Whew.
The other question, though, was one I had avoided asking my specialists since my diagnosis. And now there it was, staring me in the face, having to be answered. Did I have an average life expectancy, and was there any reason my medical condition would prevent me from being able to raise a child?
I didn't want to look at the paper when my Dr returned it to me. I expected her to say "I guess it's time we had a hard talk." But - whew - I could breathe. Despite my Wegeners I still have as great of a chance of annoying Mike well into my 90s as I did before my diagnosis, and it wasn't going to prevent me from being "fit" to be a parent. My Dr actually had a huge smile on her face, and she was so excited that I was going to be a Mom. She even thanked me for getting to be a part of the process. That was a pretty feel-good moment right there.
The Interviews and Home Inspection
{Are you still with me? Wow- I'm impressed. I know I am rambling, but Mike and I really want anyone considered adoption to know what to honestly expect. Hang in there...almost done!}
The Home Study also includes a series of interviews. The number and how far apart they will be will vary based on the agency you use. We paid for an expedited study, so we actually knocked out all our interviews within a weekend.
We met with our Social Worker for an entire Saturday afternoon, then the next day she came to our home for another round of interviews and to inspect our home. From finances to our childhood, how our parents raised us to our personal beliefs on spanking, relationships with our siblings to religion... "to infinity and beyond!"...it was all asked, and it was all answered.
The End Result
Six weeks, $4,500, and several papercuts later our Home Study was complete. We received in the mail two copies of our 13-page report. It includes our letters of recommendation, criminal background clearances, financial statements, health reports, and assessment from our Social Worker.
We now have legal binding "proof" that we are worthy of being parents. And we now are "approved" to adopt a little baby. Or two. And even a sibling, if they are less than 2 years of age. Talk about waving a treat in front of our faces....now I know how our dog feels on those trips to the park!
At a recent visit to the Vet we learned that somehow our loveable and wacky Lab had become a bit "pudgy."
OK, actually a bit more than "pudgy" - the poor dog was officially labeled as overweight. We were now going to be swapping Milk Bones for carrot sticks, and playtime in the park was going to have to become a bit more strenuous.
This is the dog who jumps and leaps excitedly at the sight of her leash, dashes to the park, and then proceeds to lie down and munch on a stick instead of chasing the ball she was just dropping at your feet, tail wagging, a few minutes ago. She's the canine equivalent of the stylish woman, dressed head to toe in Athleta clothes, who goes to the gym merely to sip on a shot of green-wheat-protein-something-or-other but never once hops on a machine or steps foot in a class. Our dog certainly looks like a Lab and eats like a Lab, but draws the line at the "retriever" part of her name. Clearly getting her to excert energy for longer periods of time was going to mean some bribery.
We are now "those people" at the park; half a Milk Bone in hand, dangling in front of our dog's face, sprinting from one set of trees to the next in mockery of the fact that our pudgy pup will only keep running as long as she thinks she stands a chance of snagging that treat from our hands. You can tell she hates it, but as long as she sees that Milk Bone she will jump through whatever hoops she has to to get it.
In the adoption process, The Home Study to us was just like these "workouts" are to our dog. We were completely aggrevated by it, but it was a hoop we had to jump through, so we just went with it.
Let me take a step back and say we completely understand the necessity for The Home Study process. There are a lot of wackos in this world, and before any newborn or child is placed in a home to be cared for it makes sense to be sure that the environment will be a safe, nuturing one, and that the soon-to-be parents aren't convicted child abusers or drug addicts. It's just frustrating dealing with all the red tape, and certainly a humbling process to have to "prove your worthiness" of being a parent.
The Home Study Process
Regardless of what route you choose for an Adoption, (Domestic, Foreign, Foster Care, Agency, Private Adoption via a Lawyer, or working with an Adoption Consultant), you have to complete a Home Study. In our case, after we signed on with our Adoption Consultant we were provided with a list of Home Study Agencies in the state of North Carolina that we could choose to work with.
I researched each agency, looking for the fees associated as well as how quickly we would be able to get through the process. In general the agencies here all were going to cost about $3,000-$4,500 to do our Home Study. They all offered "expedited services" for an additional fee, but some agencies were a little backed up, and the process was going to take 12+ weeks to complete regardless. We've waited almost four years to have a family, and I did not have the patience to wait another three months just so we could prove we were "fit" to have a family. We lucked out and signed with a Home Study agency who could complete our process "quickly."
Criminal and Child Abuse Background Checks
Each State has it's own laws regarding adoption. Here in NC we needed to provide criminal background clearances and child abuse background clearances going back five years. If you're lucky this is an easy step - just a few quick forms, a trip to the Court House, and some minor paperwork fees. We had our NC backgrounds done and complete in a day, for about $50. No mess, no stress, fax it all over to our assigned Social Worker, and you're good to go. (we really loved NC for that!)
Our personal hiccups in the system came from being a military family; going back five years meant getting clearances from two additional states. What took less than a day in NC took over a month to get from KS, and don't even get me started on the State of California (they are a 'closed state', so they can't provide you with your own background information if that information is going to be shared with a third party- to include our Social Worker for required paperwork for our adoption). Our own information could not be provided to us, for us to use for a Domestic Adoption. They could give it to us for an International Adoption, but not a Domestic. Huh? Long story short, we are still confused.
We couldn't get our own information, and were told that if we got the information and shared it with our Home Study Agency we could be fined or face jail time. When we called our Home Study agency out of frustration we were told to hire a specific private investigative service. So we couldn't get our own information, but we could pay a complete stranger in NC to pass our Social Security numbers and other critical information on to another person in CA. This person then somehow got a hold of our records, and passed it back on to NC. So much for the "closed state" thing. Like I said, we're still confused.
We jumped through that first hoop, though, and lived to tell the tale.
Letters of Recommendation
Ever wonder just what your friends truly think of you? In the Home Study process you'll have to ask people to write you letters of recommendation. They will need to be notarized, not written by relatives, and refer specifically to what would make you a good parent and your home a positive environment for a child.
Truly humbling to have to ask people to write this for you. But I tell you what, have your box of tissues ready when you read them. We were speechless at the amazing letters our friends and colleagues wrote on our behalf.
The Physical
Yep. The Home Study includes a trip to your Drs office.
It's not a true physical in the sense that Mike had to "turn his head and cough" or I had to run on a treadmill, it's more a series of general questions your physician has to answer and sign off on. "Has this person had a history of mental illness? If yes, please explain" type questions.
There were two questions on there I was very afraid of, though. The first asked about any serious illnesses the person in question was diagnosed with. With my rare disease I kinda panicked thinking "will we fail and not be allowed to adopt?"
Thankfully I was assurred that since I was in remission we would be OK. Whew.
The other question, though, was one I had avoided asking my specialists since my diagnosis. And now there it was, staring me in the face, having to be answered. Did I have an average life expectancy, and was there any reason my medical condition would prevent me from being able to raise a child?
I didn't want to look at the paper when my Dr returned it to me. I expected her to say "I guess it's time we had a hard talk." But - whew - I could breathe. Despite my Wegeners I still have as great of a chance of annoying Mike well into my 90s as I did before my diagnosis, and it wasn't going to prevent me from being "fit" to be a parent. My Dr actually had a huge smile on her face, and she was so excited that I was going to be a Mom. She even thanked me for getting to be a part of the process. That was a pretty feel-good moment right there.
The Interviews and Home Inspection
{Are you still with me? Wow- I'm impressed. I know I am rambling, but Mike and I really want anyone considered adoption to know what to honestly expect. Hang in there...almost done!}
The Home Study also includes a series of interviews. The number and how far apart they will be will vary based on the agency you use. We paid for an expedited study, so we actually knocked out all our interviews within a weekend.
We met with our Social Worker for an entire Saturday afternoon, then the next day she came to our home for another round of interviews and to inspect our home. From finances to our childhood, how our parents raised us to our personal beliefs on spanking, relationships with our siblings to religion... "to infinity and beyond!"...it was all asked, and it was all answered.
The End Result
Six weeks, $4,500, and several papercuts later our Home Study was complete. We received in the mail two copies of our 13-page report. It includes our letters of recommendation, criminal background clearances, financial statements, health reports, and assessment from our Social Worker.
We now have legal binding "proof" that we are worthy of being parents. And we now are "approved" to adopt a little baby. Or two. And even a sibling, if they are less than 2 years of age. Talk about waving a treat in front of our faces....now I know how our dog feels on those trips to the park!
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Home Study? But I'm Not Even in School!...Oh, that kind
As we began this journey, one of my best friends shared in my frustrations. "You need a license to catch a fish, but not to have kids?" he vented to me; and I obviously agreed. In addition to the background checks, the open disclosure of all our finances, the desperate search for pictures of us on vacation with no sunglasses; we were now faced with what has become the nucleus of the adoption process, the Home Study.
The home study is pretty literal in its name. This is where the social worker, in our case, the same stranger that interviewed us, comes to our home to inspect it to assess it's suitability for children. Initially, we didn't seemed concerned; the people that lived here before us had a baby (the room is still pink), and I'm sure the ones before them and so on.
I mean come on, I'm sure nobody inspected Abraham Lincoln's home before he was born, or George Washington's or Teddy Roosevelt's; and they turned out alright, right?
As it got closer, and the more we looked around the house, we started to worry. There was nothing kid safe about it. We have a dog that sheds, a cat that burrows into things, hardwood floors with a nail sticking out between the kitchen and the living room, and squirrels that run around outside (they're rodents, right?). So we did what anyone in our case would do, we went to Target.
We figured at the very least, we would do some basic things. Outlet plug covers are sold in the bag, and the little lock things that go on your cabinets under the sink were our goal. We were out of Mr. Yuk stickers at the time, so the lock was only way.
As we looked at these child-resistant items, we began to think; "Is this enough?" Do we need the whole room set up? A Crib? A stroller? Diapers? We didn't know. At some point during this process, we were reassured by my cousin, who also happens to do work with child services in the area, that we had nothing to worry about. They just wanted to see if our place was suitable for a child.
Suitable for a child? Just then the frustration bubbled again. I have been all over the world; third world countries, former eastern bloc states, even through Arkansas, and I have seen some dwellings that wouldn't be suitable for the vermin that infest them, let alone a child. But yet, there are children there. Who inspected that place before they had them?
As I calmed myself down, I told myself it was just part of the process. "It is what it is", as one of my favorite slogans goes.
As the home study began, we thought we would butter up our social worker with some irresistible goodies; grapes, cheese and crackers. But it turned out we didn't need them. Bottom line up front, we passed. Our home was suitable for a child, and we were complete. Now we just wait for this report to be complete complete and we would be ready to be parents. If only it was that easy.
I think I'll go fishing now. Oh wait, I don't have a license.
The home study is pretty literal in its name. This is where the social worker, in our case, the same stranger that interviewed us, comes to our home to inspect it to assess it's suitability for children. Initially, we didn't seemed concerned; the people that lived here before us had a baby (the room is still pink), and I'm sure the ones before them and so on.
I mean come on, I'm sure nobody inspected Abraham Lincoln's home before he was born, or George Washington's or Teddy Roosevelt's; and they turned out alright, right?
As it got closer, and the more we looked around the house, we started to worry. There was nothing kid safe about it. We have a dog that sheds, a cat that burrows into things, hardwood floors with a nail sticking out between the kitchen and the living room, and squirrels that run around outside (they're rodents, right?). So we did what anyone in our case would do, we went to Target.
We figured at the very least, we would do some basic things. Outlet plug covers are sold in the bag, and the little lock things that go on your cabinets under the sink were our goal. We were out of Mr. Yuk stickers at the time, so the lock was only way.
As we looked at these child-resistant items, we began to think; "Is this enough?" Do we need the whole room set up? A Crib? A stroller? Diapers? We didn't know. At some point during this process, we were reassured by my cousin, who also happens to do work with child services in the area, that we had nothing to worry about. They just wanted to see if our place was suitable for a child.
Suitable for a child? Just then the frustration bubbled again. I have been all over the world; third world countries, former eastern bloc states, even through Arkansas, and I have seen some dwellings that wouldn't be suitable for the vermin that infest them, let alone a child. But yet, there are children there. Who inspected that place before they had them?
As I calmed myself down, I told myself it was just part of the process. "It is what it is", as one of my favorite slogans goes.
As the home study began, we thought we would butter up our social worker with some irresistible goodies; grapes, cheese and crackers. But it turned out we didn't need them. Bottom line up front, we passed. Our home was suitable for a child, and we were complete. Now we just wait for this report to be complete complete and we would be ready to be parents. If only it was that easy.
I think I'll go fishing now. Oh wait, I don't have a license.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Twelve Days
Twelve Days.
A lot can happen in twelve days. According to my good friend Google I can learn to speak Spanish is less than twelve days; I can build a church dome in less than twelve days; a man named CK apparently earned $1 million dollars off of a $5 video in twelve days; the ground portion of the Gulf War lasted only 100 hours.....
There's also a whole bunch of "nothing" that can happen in twelve days. Unfortunately for us, when it comes to our Adoption Story, we have been hearing crickets chirp for just that long now.
Our Adoption Consultant, K, warned us that the adoption world is an unpredictable place. One week you're getting profile after profile and the next it's a dry spell. But even with that knowledge and her reassurance, it's still a painful dry spell to go through.
A little over three weeks ago we were officially placed on the "waiting to be matched" list. The Adoption Profile we created got rave reviews from those who proofed it for us, {to include a Birth Mom who volunteers her time to review Profiles for couples who are adopting so that they can get honest feedback on how their album will be perceived}, so I was feeling a little over-confident that we would be that rare lucky couple who had all the stars align for a perfect adoption to happen within three days. That's happened to other couples, so surely it would happen to us, too. Surely!
It almost happened. On day four that swarm of profiles came in that I initially wrote about. The twins were already born; had we had the $53,000+ that was needed immediately on hand , we could have been a Mommy & Daddy for almost a month by now.
I know I need to just get over that, but I really have had a tough time with it. We have saved, planned, and prepared for a long time now to make our dream happen. We knew the probability of an adoption being way out of our financial reach could happen {each case we see will vary based on the Birth Mom's unique situation}, but we didn't expect "the dream case" to happen right away, and to be the one we couldn't do.
{we'll get more into financing later, but as a quick summary when you are "matched" with a Birth Mom there is a sum of money due right away. Think of this as a "deposit"...this is also money "at risk," meaning if the Birth Mom changes her mind you don't get that money back. The remaining balance is due once the baby is born. So typically you have some time to access accounts and get money lined up. Since the twin boys were already born it was a case where the entire amount was due in one lump sum, right away. There was just no way we could have accessed that much that quickly}
We've seen several other profiles since then, all within our financial reach. But the "at risk" amounts due for each were extremely high...something we'll be willing to pay when the case seems like a solid one, but these cases each just worried us for one reason or another. From a Birth Father being in prison but wanting contact with the baby, to a Birth Mom who talked about how everyone else wanted her to give up her baby but she didn't want to, there was just something about each case that didn't give us the "warm fuzzies" about taking the risk to write a check for $15,000, knowing it would mean halting the adoption process if something fell through.
By now we could have also brought home a baby girl who was born last week, or could have been buying clothes and diapers for one of three little boys who would all be arriving before July.
Mike thinks I'm being ridiculous and dramatic, but I can't help but wonder if we made a mistake. Were we supposed to write a check for one of those profiles? Was one of those babies meant for us, and we missed the boat , and now Karma was 'punishing' us for being afraid to loose that money? When you look at the numbers, that's the only explanation I can come up with for why we've now gone twelve days without a single profile crossing our paths.
K has reassured me that we haven't made a mistake, that we have to trust our instincts, and that my emotions and Mike's {cynical/ pessimistic/level-headed/ rational/smart} outlook on each profile will eventually meet in the middle and we'll take that next step. But good grief! I hope we at least get another chance to consider a case soon. This waiting is tough...
A lot can happen in twelve days. According to my good friend Google I can learn to speak Spanish is less than twelve days; I can build a church dome in less than twelve days; a man named CK apparently earned $1 million dollars off of a $5 video in twelve days; the ground portion of the Gulf War lasted only 100 hours.....
There's also a whole bunch of "nothing" that can happen in twelve days. Unfortunately for us, when it comes to our Adoption Story, we have been hearing crickets chirp for just that long now.
Our Adoption Consultant, K, warned us that the adoption world is an unpredictable place. One week you're getting profile after profile and the next it's a dry spell. But even with that knowledge and her reassurance, it's still a painful dry spell to go through.
A little over three weeks ago we were officially placed on the "waiting to be matched" list. The Adoption Profile we created got rave reviews from those who proofed it for us, {to include a Birth Mom who volunteers her time to review Profiles for couples who are adopting so that they can get honest feedback on how their album will be perceived}, so I was feeling a little over-confident that we would be that rare lucky couple who had all the stars align for a perfect adoption to happen within three days. That's happened to other couples, so surely it would happen to us, too. Surely!
It almost happened. On day four that swarm of profiles came in that I initially wrote about. The twins were already born; had we had the $53,000+ that was needed immediately on hand , we could have been a Mommy & Daddy for almost a month by now.
I know I need to just get over that, but I really have had a tough time with it. We have saved, planned, and prepared for a long time now to make our dream happen. We knew the probability of an adoption being way out of our financial reach could happen {each case we see will vary based on the Birth Mom's unique situation}, but we didn't expect "the dream case" to happen right away, and to be the one we couldn't do.
{we'll get more into financing later, but as a quick summary when you are "matched" with a Birth Mom there is a sum of money due right away. Think of this as a "deposit"...this is also money "at risk," meaning if the Birth Mom changes her mind you don't get that money back. The remaining balance is due once the baby is born. So typically you have some time to access accounts and get money lined up. Since the twin boys were already born it was a case where the entire amount was due in one lump sum, right away. There was just no way we could have accessed that much that quickly}
We've seen several other profiles since then, all within our financial reach. But the "at risk" amounts due for each were extremely high...something we'll be willing to pay when the case seems like a solid one, but these cases each just worried us for one reason or another. From a Birth Father being in prison but wanting contact with the baby, to a Birth Mom who talked about how everyone else wanted her to give up her baby but she didn't want to, there was just something about each case that didn't give us the "warm fuzzies" about taking the risk to write a check for $15,000, knowing it would mean halting the adoption process if something fell through.
By now we could have also brought home a baby girl who was born last week, or could have been buying clothes and diapers for one of three little boys who would all be arriving before July.
Mike thinks I'm being ridiculous and dramatic, but I can't help but wonder if we made a mistake. Were we supposed to write a check for one of those profiles? Was one of those babies meant for us, and we missed the boat , and now Karma was 'punishing' us for being afraid to loose that money? When you look at the numbers, that's the only explanation I can come up with for why we've now gone twelve days without a single profile crossing our paths.
K has reassured me that we haven't made a mistake, that we have to trust our instincts, and that my emotions and Mike's {cynical/ pessimistic/level-headed/ rational/smart} outlook on each profile will eventually meet in the middle and we'll take that next step. But good grief! I hope we at least get another chance to consider a case soon. This waiting is tough...
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Goldilocks and the {four} Bears {part 4: Adoption Consultants}
Twice a week Mike and I wake up at the ridiculous time of 4:30 AM. We shuffle our way around the house, stepping over our sleeping dog & cat, and somehow manage to get ourselves to the gym by 5. These weekly "dates" are a sick form of self-induced punishment otherwise known as Body Pump class. (if our instructor is reading this-just kidding. we truly love the push ups and squats. truly. we mean it. you're the best.)
We have a 'thing' for Junior Mints and Reese's Pieces, so our thoughts are that we'd better get our butts to the gym daily to make up for it; going together when we can certainly makes it more fun. What we didn't anticipate when we started this routine was that going to this class would lead us to our "just right" route for adoption...
This particular class has a devoted group of followers; we have our own private Facebook group and matching sweatshirts...we're just that cool. It's a fantastic group, and inevitably we all have gotten to know more about the people around us than just who cheats on their push ups.
"M" powers through the class with us, and offered to put us in touch with a family friend who had a beautiful adoption story of her own. It was just as Mike and I were pulling out our hair from decision-making that this friend, "C," called...
Mike sat patiently nearby as C and I talked for over an hour. My pen was writing feverishly, and I'm quite sure there was a mile-wide smile across my face the entire time. I knew from everything C was sharing with me that we had found the perfect solution to our adoption needs. I was completely overwhelmed with excitement and relief, and only wished there was a way to reach through the phone and hug C for being so willing to share her story with us. She opened our eyes to a whole new approach, and lifted a gigantic weight off our shoulders.
As Mike mentioned in his last post, C and her husband opened our eyes to Adoption Consulting. We had not heard of this before, and - surprisingly for the amount of "google" searches we conducted - we had not stumbled upon it in our research.
Looking down at our "Pros and Cons" list for Agencies versus Private Lawyers, this option literally bridged the gap and solved all of our major concerns. That evening we contacted the company C used, and within two days our story began.
A Step Ahead was officially our "just right." We both had the "warm fuzzy" feelings we were looking for, and a stranger "K" was about to become the biggest part of our lives.
I can only speak for our experiences with A Step Ahead, so if you are considering adoption and research Consultants, please be sure to ask for specifics on his/her services.
Adoption Consulting
Now that we know about this avenue, it's clear that it's not some completely new and rare route to adoption. Just as with Foster Care, Agencies, and Adoption Lawyers, "google" it and you'll once again see smoke coming out of your computer.
So, how does this whole Adoption Consultant thing work?
C explained it so clearly to me when she said "think of your consultant as a real estate agent." To sum it up as cleanly and simply as I possibly can, we basically let our consultant know what we are looking for, and through a large network of Agencies and Lawyers she helps us find "it." (It's really hard to refer to our future baby as an "it," but the reality is that an Adoption is business transaction when all the layers of emotion are peeled away).
For us, going this route was a breathe of fresh air. We loved that we were able to speak directly with the Owner/Founder of A Step Ahead, and that any question we had was answered quickly and without confusing numbers or payment tables. "D," the owner, and all the consultants are all adoptive parents as well; we would be working with someone who has lived all the emotions we were currently living...and each consultant only works with a maximum of seven families at a time - we would have one point of contact throughout the whole process, and we knew that he or she would be completely focused on helping us.
In addition to just feeling reassured that we would have someone there to "hold our hand" the whole way, A Step Ahead works with agencies and lawyers all across the U.S. (they also handle foreign adoptions), so with our upcoming move it wasn't going to matter that we would be living in a new state. Mostly likely our baby will come from a state other than the one we are living in anyway, so we wouldn't have to "start over" with a new agency when we move or worry about finding and hiring a second lawyer that we trusted. We'll have to update our Home Study, but this will be a far easier process than having to start completely from scratch.
The other huge "pro" for us was that it would guarantee us a "say" in the whole process.
We would talk extensively with our consultant about what exactly we were looking for, what we were comfortable with, and what our finances would allow us to afford. We'll get into more of this in later posts, but basically our consultant would eventually be sending us Profiles that fit our 'requests' by at least 80%.
Right up front the adoption cost, information on the Birth Mom and Birth Dad, and a slew of other pertinent details would be provided to us. It would be our choice, based on the information presented, as to whether or not we felt comfortable with the Profile and situation. If so, our Adoption Profile would be sent to the Birth Mom to review; if not, we would just 'pass' and wait for another opportunity to present itself.
So, this is where we are now. As you know from our very first post, we have already begun to receive Profiles...and unfortunately we have already had to make some very hard decisions.
I don't think any amount of research or guidance can ever prepare you for the emotions you feel at this stage of the game...
Now that we've shared with you our thoughts behind the different avenues of adoption, and why we chose the Consultant route, we will be picking back up with our story and what is happening. We want to continue to offer advice and information for those of you considering adoption, so we will also be posting about the Home Study Process, Financing an adoption, and creating an Adoption Profile in the near future.
'Til then, we are still waiting...
We have a 'thing' for Junior Mints and Reese's Pieces, so our thoughts are that we'd better get our butts to the gym daily to make up for it; going together when we can certainly makes it more fun. What we didn't anticipate when we started this routine was that going to this class would lead us to our "just right" route for adoption...
This particular class has a devoted group of followers; we have our own private Facebook group and matching sweatshirts...we're just that cool. It's a fantastic group, and inevitably we all have gotten to know more about the people around us than just who cheats on their push ups.
"M" powers through the class with us, and offered to put us in touch with a family friend who had a beautiful adoption story of her own. It was just as Mike and I were pulling out our hair from decision-making that this friend, "C," called...
Mike sat patiently nearby as C and I talked for over an hour. My pen was writing feverishly, and I'm quite sure there was a mile-wide smile across my face the entire time. I knew from everything C was sharing with me that we had found the perfect solution to our adoption needs. I was completely overwhelmed with excitement and relief, and only wished there was a way to reach through the phone and hug C for being so willing to share her story with us. She opened our eyes to a whole new approach, and lifted a gigantic weight off our shoulders.
As Mike mentioned in his last post, C and her husband opened our eyes to Adoption Consulting. We had not heard of this before, and - surprisingly for the amount of "google" searches we conducted - we had not stumbled upon it in our research.
Looking down at our "Pros and Cons" list for Agencies versus Private Lawyers, this option literally bridged the gap and solved all of our major concerns. That evening we contacted the company C used, and within two days our story began.
A Step Ahead was officially our "just right." We both had the "warm fuzzy" feelings we were looking for, and a stranger "K" was about to become the biggest part of our lives.
I can only speak for our experiences with A Step Ahead, so if you are considering adoption and research Consultants, please be sure to ask for specifics on his/her services.
Adoption Consulting
Now that we know about this avenue, it's clear that it's not some completely new and rare route to adoption. Just as with Foster Care, Agencies, and Adoption Lawyers, "google" it and you'll once again see smoke coming out of your computer.
So, how does this whole Adoption Consultant thing work?
C explained it so clearly to me when she said "think of your consultant as a real estate agent." To sum it up as cleanly and simply as I possibly can, we basically let our consultant know what we are looking for, and through a large network of Agencies and Lawyers she helps us find "it." (It's really hard to refer to our future baby as an "it," but the reality is that an Adoption is business transaction when all the layers of emotion are peeled away).
For us, going this route was a breathe of fresh air. We loved that we were able to speak directly with the Owner/Founder of A Step Ahead, and that any question we had was answered quickly and without confusing numbers or payment tables. "D," the owner, and all the consultants are all adoptive parents as well; we would be working with someone who has lived all the emotions we were currently living...and each consultant only works with a maximum of seven families at a time - we would have one point of contact throughout the whole process, and we knew that he or she would be completely focused on helping us.
In addition to just feeling reassured that we would have someone there to "hold our hand" the whole way, A Step Ahead works with agencies and lawyers all across the U.S. (they also handle foreign adoptions), so with our upcoming move it wasn't going to matter that we would be living in a new state. Mostly likely our baby will come from a state other than the one we are living in anyway, so we wouldn't have to "start over" with a new agency when we move or worry about finding and hiring a second lawyer that we trusted. We'll have to update our Home Study, but this will be a far easier process than having to start completely from scratch.
The other huge "pro" for us was that it would guarantee us a "say" in the whole process.
We would talk extensively with our consultant about what exactly we were looking for, what we were comfortable with, and what our finances would allow us to afford. We'll get into more of this in later posts, but basically our consultant would eventually be sending us Profiles that fit our 'requests' by at least 80%.
Right up front the adoption cost, information on the Birth Mom and Birth Dad, and a slew of other pertinent details would be provided to us. It would be our choice, based on the information presented, as to whether or not we felt comfortable with the Profile and situation. If so, our Adoption Profile would be sent to the Birth Mom to review; if not, we would just 'pass' and wait for another opportunity to present itself.
So, this is where we are now. As you know from our very first post, we have already begun to receive Profiles...and unfortunately we have already had to make some very hard decisions.
I don't think any amount of research or guidance can ever prepare you for the emotions you feel at this stage of the game...
Now that we've shared with you our thoughts behind the different avenues of adoption, and why we chose the Consultant route, we will be picking back up with our story and what is happening. We want to continue to offer advice and information for those of you considering adoption, so we will also be posting about the Home Study Process, Financing an adoption, and creating an Adoption Profile in the near future.
'Til then, we are still waiting...
Monday, April 9, 2012
What is Good for the Goose?...More from Him
I know by now that Missie has given a good description of some of the various options we had to chose from.
My mother always told me that things happen for a reason, they happen because they are meant to happen. I never always agreed with that. I always thought I had more control over my life in that if something happens, or doesn't happen; it is because I made it happen or failed to make it happen. At this point, I wasn't so sure.
It was down the Foster System, an adoption agency, and a private lawyer; one of those options was going to lead us down the road to parenthood. We were not fans of the foster system, and after the in-depth "Pro/Con" list Missie and I compiled, we were almost to the point of finding our answer with the flip of a coin. Personally, I was more on the side of the lawyer. I liked the thought of having a single point of contact we could deal with instead of calling an agency and getting whoever decided to pick up that day.
And then, the phone rang....
Another stranger would come into our lives, C. (Now talk about things happening for a reason, this phone call could not have come at a better time.) C heard about us from a friend of a friend that we went to the gym with. She and her husband had been through exactly what we're going through, and had decided which option worked best for them. Low and behold, her answer was neither of the options we thought were our only options.
Missie talked to her for just over an hour and heard her story. By the end of the conversation, Missie had several pages of notes, names and phone numbers and we would discover a course of action that would give us the best of both worlds; an adoption consultant.
An Adoption Consultant would give us the exposure to our profile that an adoption agency would with the added benefit of having a single point of contact that would by our "guy" during the whole process. Another added bonus, all of the adoption consultants were also adoptive parents, so they knew exactly what we were going through. The next day, we made the call to A Step Ahead Adoption services, and we were on board.
We had made up our mind, and despite the fact we were going to get free refreshments out of it, we cancelled our Saturday meeting with Jim's Adoption Agency* in Raleigh NC, and had our "guy".
* Not the real name
My mother always told me that things happen for a reason, they happen because they are meant to happen. I never always agreed with that. I always thought I had more control over my life in that if something happens, or doesn't happen; it is because I made it happen or failed to make it happen. At this point, I wasn't so sure.
It was down the Foster System, an adoption agency, and a private lawyer; one of those options was going to lead us down the road to parenthood. We were not fans of the foster system, and after the in-depth "Pro/Con" list Missie and I compiled, we were almost to the point of finding our answer with the flip of a coin. Personally, I was more on the side of the lawyer. I liked the thought of having a single point of contact we could deal with instead of calling an agency and getting whoever decided to pick up that day.
And then, the phone rang....
Another stranger would come into our lives, C. (Now talk about things happening for a reason, this phone call could not have come at a better time.) C heard about us from a friend of a friend that we went to the gym with. She and her husband had been through exactly what we're going through, and had decided which option worked best for them. Low and behold, her answer was neither of the options we thought were our only options.
Missie talked to her for just over an hour and heard her story. By the end of the conversation, Missie had several pages of notes, names and phone numbers and we would discover a course of action that would give us the best of both worlds; an adoption consultant.
An Adoption Consultant would give us the exposure to our profile that an adoption agency would with the added benefit of having a single point of contact that would by our "guy" during the whole process. Another added bonus, all of the adoption consultants were also adoptive parents, so they knew exactly what we were going through. The next day, we made the call to A Step Ahead Adoption services, and we were on board.
We had made up our mind, and despite the fact we were going to get free refreshments out of it, we cancelled our Saturday meeting with Jim's Adoption Agency* in Raleigh NC, and had our "guy".
* Not the real name
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Goldilocks and the {four} Bears {part 3: Adoption Agencies & Private Lawyers}
Having nixed the Foster Parent idea, our quest for the answer to "how are we going to do this?" continued.
Our adoption notebook was about to get hit with a ton of notes, questions, scribbles, and websites; and our wine consumption was about to increase dramatically as we sat on our back porch hemming and hawing in deliberation over what we felt, at the time, were the two options we needed to decide on:
Adoption Agency or Adoption Lawyer?
The Adoption Agency
Wow, talk about overload. There are so many different Adoption Agencies in the U.S., and each of them have their own "feel," pricing, and beliefs. Before you truly start spending your Saturdays attending adoption seminars, there are some questions you will need to soul-search about. Truly these are questions you need to answer before beginning any adoption process, but as you read through agency information it will become apparent that certain things will either "work" or "not work" for your personal feelings and needs. Having a general feel for what you are comfortable with will certainly make your search a little easier.
Some things to consider:
Our adoption notebook was about to get hit with a ton of notes, questions, scribbles, and websites; and our wine consumption was about to increase dramatically as we sat on our back porch hemming and hawing in deliberation over what we felt, at the time, were the two options we needed to decide on:
Adoption Agency or Adoption Lawyer?
The Adoption Agency
Wow, talk about overload. There are so many different Adoption Agencies in the U.S., and each of them have their own "feel," pricing, and beliefs. Before you truly start spending your Saturdays attending adoption seminars, there are some questions you will need to soul-search about. Truly these are questions you need to answer before beginning any adoption process, but as you read through agency information it will become apparent that certain things will either "work" or "not work" for your personal feelings and needs. Having a general feel for what you are comfortable with will certainly make your search a little easier.
Some things to consider:
- Are you comfortable with a semi-open or open adoption, or do you want a closed adoption?
- Are you wanting to adopt a child from overseas, or would you like a domestic adoption?
- Are you willing to adopt a child with special needs?
- Are you wanting to adopt an infant, an older child, or even a set of siblings?
- Is there a specific race or gender that you would like the child to be?
- How big of a role will Religion play in your adoption?
{would you like fries with that? Super Size it? Good grief...there's just too many questions!}
As you begin to wade through the Agencies out there, you will quickly see that while all agencies have a common purpose, they each have their unique personalities.Some will work exclusively with either Foreign or Domestic adoptions, while others can assist you with either. One agency may require that your adoption be a fully open one, the next one you see will require it to be closed. Faith may play a crucial part in working with an agency, or it may be an agency who is open to assist all.
When you come across an agency that has a "good feel" to you, request their information packet and pour through it with a fine tooth comb. Sign up for their Open House or Seminar, or schedule a meeting with them so that you can meet who you would potentially be working with, ask the tough questions, and learn as much as possible. Never take them at "face value" - just because they have a whiz-bang website doesn't mean they should be trusted without hesitation. Certainly get in touch with several to weigh your options.
A cool "trick" we learned from a wise and helpful adoptive Mom:
- After years of trying for a family, the burning question on all adoptive parents' minds is "how long will it take to finally have a child?" You will never get a solid answer on this because, honestly, no one can say. So what you really want to find out is how many adoptive families an agency works with on average per year; how many Birth Moms do they work with on average; how many matches to they average per year; and finally, how many placements do they average per year? That information will give you a better picture of the rate of success an agency has. {find out how many Social Workers/counselors they have as well...that will give you an idea of how much individual attention you will get}
Mike and I had several agencies that struck our interest, and one in particular gave us the "warm fuzzies" all over. The costs were a concern, but we were willing to do whatever it took...the bigger 'uht-oh' to us was being a military family.
Before we even began the adoption process we knew we would be facing a move within a few months. With state laws varying, and agencies certifications varying, it didn't look like we would be able to get started with an agency and then continue easily with them once we were out of the state. It seemed the options were going to be waiting until we moved to begin the process {we didn't want to have to put this on hold any longer}, or add to the cost by working with an agency and then having to hire an adoption lawyer in our new state to work in conjunction with the agency to finalize the process.
We weren't ready to cross that off the list yet, but we researched Private Adoption next so we could weigh the pros and cons.
The Adoption Lawyer
The best way to describe an Independent or Private Adoption is to say "the movie Juno." Ahhhh, but if it only were that easy...
Some adoptive parents are able to "put their feelers out" through their Church, Doctor, local teen shelter, advertisements, etc. When a Birth Mom is located who is considering adoption, the adoptive parent(s) can meet with her and -through the use of their individual Lawyer(s) - the terms of the adoption can be agreed upon.
Each Lawyer will have his/her own fees related to their services. These fees will typically be considerably less than what you would pay going through an Agency, however they won't include the costs of the Home Study, court paperwork, etc. If the Birth Mom requires assistance for her medical care, rent, food, utilities, etc (throughout her pregnancy and up to six months after delivery in the case of infants), these costs would also be in addition to the Lawyers fees....so it can add up quick.
As each state has its own laws, you will definitely want to consult with lawyers prior to placing any ads or 'putting yourself out there.' Typically it is illegal for the actual adoptive parents to place any sort of advertisement; the ads you see in papers and online are done through a proxy or lawyer.
Just as with researching agencies, do your homework when it comes to finding a lawyer!! If every "t" isn't crossed and "i" dotted in the paperwork, there could be huge trouble down the road. Ask for references, ask people you know for referrals, and meet with them in person to interview before hiring them.
On our lawyer quest, most charged a $100 fee for an initial consultation, but several would meet with for free.
We once again lucked out by not being afraid to ask around. Our cousin in law enforcement has spent a good deal of time in the Courthouse seeing local lawyers in action, and the top name on her recommendations was also a top name elsewhere. After meeting with him and having the recommendations for him that we had, we knew he would be 'our man' if we went that route.
After a couple of weeks of researching, our brains were fried and we were stuck between the two choices.
With a bottle of wine and a sheet of paper each, we sat down one night and both wrote out our personal "pros" and "cons" between going with the Agency or Lawyer. It was reassuring that we seemed to be on the same wavelength with what we each perceived as positives and negatives, but we were still "stuck." Neither seemed to give us exactly what we felt we needed, especially with our upcoming move.
If you're still bearing with me here {I know this post has been lengthy} we wanted to share some of the key "sticking points" giving us a rough time. If you are considering adoption these are things to consider:
With the Agency route we felt like we would have people to 'hold our hand' through the process, and we loved that counseling and support groups were available to the Birth Mom, ourselves, and our child, during and after the adoption. The costs were extremely high, but if a match didn't result in placement we weren't going to have to 'start from scratch' again-we knew there would be more Birth Moms at the agency hoping to find the right family for their baby. We also liked being able to look at numbers to get an idea of the 'wait time' we would be facing, and the agency seemed to facilitate a healthy relationship with the birth family.
On the "hmmmmm" side of things, our profile could only be shown to one birth mom at a time. So if someone was looking at our profile and someone else's, and they took three weeks going back and forth deciding between the two couples, we wouldn't be able to try for other babies. The agency route also didn't seem to allow us much "mutual selection." The process weighed more heavily on the birth mom selecting a family rather than the adoptive parents having a 'say.' We were also concerned that an overwhelmed agency might not be able to return our calls quickly, or that every time we called we'd speak to someone new. We wanted a relationship with someone that we could trust, and who truly knew our case and personalities.
With the Lawyer route we liked the potential for the adoption to not literally wipe out our entire life savings. However, in addition to our move once again begin a concern, we felt like we were going to be 'floating around' on our own. The lawyer only came into play once the child was born, so in the 'in between' time there wasn't anyone to give us guidance. We were also concerned about how long it could take before "stumbling upon" a young women who wanted to adopt and was willing to meet us.
It looked like it was really going to come down to flipping a coin. Literally.
Real mature, right?
Thankfully, the phone rang...and an adoptive Mom, "C," opened our eyes to another avenue. Just like Goldilocks, we were about to find our "just right."
Monday, April 2, 2012
Goldilocks and the {four} Bears {part 2:Fostering a Child}
We recommended in Part 1 of our "Goldilocks" post that anyone contemplating the adoption process should start by asking tons of questions, and remember to be completely honest with yourself as to what you are and are not comfortable with.
By doing just that - pounding the books, internet, and talking to anyone we could about the various avenues of Domestic Adoption - we were able to find exactly what we were looking for in the adoption process.
The first avenue that we explored was adopting by becoming Foster Parents.
What is a Foster Care?
This excerpt is from the North Carolina Department of Health and Human Services:
To become a Foster Parent you go through the required background checks, receive training (in NC I believe it was 30 hours of training that was required), and go through a licensing process.
Each agency is different, but all agencies assist Foster Parents with financial compensation for the living expenses of the child they are fostering. (For example the NC DSS website shows $475 a month for a Foster Child who is an infant up to 5 years old.)
The primary goal of the Foster Care system is to reunite that child with his/her biological family.
The DSS (Division of Social Services) may remove a child from a home because of concerns over drug abuse, violence, or other factors negatively impacting the environment they are being raised in. While that child is in Foster Care, efforts will be made to help that family resolve its issues so that they can be reunited. If the situation is not resolved and it is determined that it is not in the best interest of the child to be with his/her parent(s) then they may be placed for adoption.
At that time, the Foster Parent(s) may be considered for becoming Adoptive Parents if they wish to pursue that. Because the child is already in 'the system' and you are not working with an adoption agency, the actual costs surrounding the adoption are very low compared to the other avenues. Each state is different with finalization costs (court fees for paperwork, etc), and each private lawyer has his/her own pricing structure, but from our research we were coming up with an average of about $4,000-7,000 to complete the adoption.
Those were the facts we weighed in to our decision on whether or not Fostering was the right approach for us. It just so happens that we have a cousin who is not only on the Cumberland County police force, but also happens to work with child abuse and sex offenders. (I apologize because as I write this I am having a complete "brain fart" with the official titles and department names....) Naturally this was someone we spoke to about the Foster Care system, and in speaking about this we were able to have a better idea of what to weigh in emotionally on this decision.
We just want to reiterate that we are sharing our Adoption Story as just that - our story. So as we get into the reasoning behind our decisions we just want to remind anyone considering adoption that we are not recommending one avenue over another, or saying one avenue is less risky or "better." We simply want to help by offering the facts we discovered, then comment on our personal feelings separately. What we are most comfortable with will most likely vary from your personal needs, so we are not "advertising" or "selling", just simply sharing our story.
As we considered Fostering there were a lot of "pros" to this avenue. The cost, the "feel good" factor in helping a child in need, and the ability to have a newborn...
#1 for us was that we want to adopt a newborn/infant. We will never get to experience pregnancy, and -while some of our friends may think we're a bit crazy for actually looking forward to this - we don't want to miss out on the sleepless nights, diaper blow-outs, and other 'fun' associated with parenting.
In talking to our cousin we voiced our concern over missing out on that because we assumed we'd more likely be fostering a toddler or preschooler - we didn't think many newborns/infants would be in the Foster System. (guess we were still a bit naive) We were a little surprised to learn that, actually, there was a big need for Foster Parents who were willing to commit to taking in a newborn/infant. Because caring for them is so time-consuming it's apparently hard to find families who are able offer that.
There's also the big "risk factor" in falling in love with the sweet little one you are Fostering. How can you not grow attached to a baby you are raising? Remember, the goal of the Foster Care program is to reunite children with their parent(s)...so after a few days, or even months, of caring for that baby you most likely will one day have to hand that little one back over. Parents know this reality, and so apparently more are likely to help with older children.
That, right there, is why we couldn't do it. In being honest with ourselves we knew that we wanted a family much too much to be able to keep a cool head and not get heart broken every time a baby we fostered was able to go back to his/her biological family. It takes an incredibly strong person to be able to offer the love and commitment needed to Foster a child, knowing that most likely the end result will not be them being able to adopt. We have not ruled this out for the future. Maybe someday after we have adopted our little one(s) we would be able to emotionally commit to opening our home and love up to children in need. Foster Parenting is an incredibly selfless, wonderful gift to offer a child in need. We loved the thought of being able to help a child, and financially it was a great fit if/when the opportunity to adopt presented itself, but we knew the emotional side of it would be far too hard on us.
So we began researching Adoption Agencies....
By doing just that - pounding the books, internet, and talking to anyone we could about the various avenues of Domestic Adoption - we were able to find exactly what we were looking for in the adoption process.
The first avenue that we explored was adopting by becoming Foster Parents.
What is a Foster Care?
This excerpt is from the North Carolina Department of Health and Human Services:
"Foster care is a temporary living arrangement for abused, neglected, and dependent children who need a safe place to live when their parents or another relative cannot take care of them. Often their families face issues such as illness, alcohol or drug addiction, or homelessness.
When the county Department of Social Services ( DSS) believes a child is not safe, and a judge agrees, DSS takes custody of that child and finds a foster home for him or her. Length of stay in foster care varies from a few days to much longer.
Foster families are recruited, trained, and licensed to care for abused and neglected children temporarily, while their parents work with social work professionals to resolve their family issues. Relatives may be licensed as foster parents.
The foster family, DSS and the birth family work together to return children to their own homes as quickly as possible. In cases where the child becomes free for adoption, foster parents may be considered as adoptive parents."
To become a Foster Parent you go through the required background checks, receive training (in NC I believe it was 30 hours of training that was required), and go through a licensing process.
Each agency is different, but all agencies assist Foster Parents with financial compensation for the living expenses of the child they are fostering. (For example the NC DSS website shows $475 a month for a Foster Child who is an infant up to 5 years old.)
The primary goal of the Foster Care system is to reunite that child with his/her biological family.
The DSS (Division of Social Services) may remove a child from a home because of concerns over drug abuse, violence, or other factors negatively impacting the environment they are being raised in. While that child is in Foster Care, efforts will be made to help that family resolve its issues so that they can be reunited. If the situation is not resolved and it is determined that it is not in the best interest of the child to be with his/her parent(s) then they may be placed for adoption.
At that time, the Foster Parent(s) may be considered for becoming Adoptive Parents if they wish to pursue that. Because the child is already in 'the system' and you are not working with an adoption agency, the actual costs surrounding the adoption are very low compared to the other avenues. Each state is different with finalization costs (court fees for paperwork, etc), and each private lawyer has his/her own pricing structure, but from our research we were coming up with an average of about $4,000-7,000 to complete the adoption.
Those were the facts we weighed in to our decision on whether or not Fostering was the right approach for us. It just so happens that we have a cousin who is not only on the Cumberland County police force, but also happens to work with child abuse and sex offenders. (I apologize because as I write this I am having a complete "brain fart" with the official titles and department names....) Naturally this was someone we spoke to about the Foster Care system, and in speaking about this we were able to have a better idea of what to weigh in emotionally on this decision.
We just want to reiterate that we are sharing our Adoption Story as just that - our story. So as we get into the reasoning behind our decisions we just want to remind anyone considering adoption that we are not recommending one avenue over another, or saying one avenue is less risky or "better." We simply want to help by offering the facts we discovered, then comment on our personal feelings separately. What we are most comfortable with will most likely vary from your personal needs, so we are not "advertising" or "selling", just simply sharing our story.
As we considered Fostering there were a lot of "pros" to this avenue. The cost, the "feel good" factor in helping a child in need, and the ability to have a newborn...
#1 for us was that we want to adopt a newborn/infant. We will never get to experience pregnancy, and -while some of our friends may think we're a bit crazy for actually looking forward to this - we don't want to miss out on the sleepless nights, diaper blow-outs, and other 'fun' associated with parenting.
In talking to our cousin we voiced our concern over missing out on that because we assumed we'd more likely be fostering a toddler or preschooler - we didn't think many newborns/infants would be in the Foster System. (guess we were still a bit naive) We were a little surprised to learn that, actually, there was a big need for Foster Parents who were willing to commit to taking in a newborn/infant. Because caring for them is so time-consuming it's apparently hard to find families who are able offer that.
There's also the big "risk factor" in falling in love with the sweet little one you are Fostering. How can you not grow attached to a baby you are raising? Remember, the goal of the Foster Care program is to reunite children with their parent(s)...so after a few days, or even months, of caring for that baby you most likely will one day have to hand that little one back over. Parents know this reality, and so apparently more are likely to help with older children.
That, right there, is why we couldn't do it. In being honest with ourselves we knew that we wanted a family much too much to be able to keep a cool head and not get heart broken every time a baby we fostered was able to go back to his/her biological family. It takes an incredibly strong person to be able to offer the love and commitment needed to Foster a child, knowing that most likely the end result will not be them being able to adopt. We have not ruled this out for the future. Maybe someday after we have adopted our little one(s) we would be able to emotionally commit to opening our home and love up to children in need. Foster Parenting is an incredibly selfless, wonderful gift to offer a child in need. We loved the thought of being able to help a child, and financially it was a great fit if/when the opportunity to adopt presented itself, but we knew the emotional side of it would be far too hard on us.
So we began researching Adoption Agencies....
Sunday, April 1, 2012
How We Got Here...His Story
First off, I will just say that I've already accepted that my wife Missie is smarter and better looking than me; but being too far ahead of me in telling our story is where I want to draw the line. I will do my best to post two updates a week, likely during the weekends. I hope you enjoy.
I want to try to give the man's perspective on our story. I can tell you, the heartbreak of not being able to have children the "regular" way is by no means only felt by the women. It affects him too, but in different ways. You feel angry, and in some cases, less of a man.
Now Missie (who in my previous post was referred to as "M", but she has OK'd the use of her name), talked about the question, "do you have kids?" And some of the obtuse reactions we get when we say no. Another caveat to that version that cooks my grits (when in Rome) is when parents complain about their kids and inform me, "well you don't have kids, you wouldn't possibly understand." So I respond with my typical, "Who told you to have kids." That is usually followed by silence. Another favorite of ours that left us without a good response was a woman we knew in California who had three kids declaring how "lucky" we were that we didn't have kids. Really? If you only knew...
After my second tour in Iraq, we decided we were going to start trying. I have always wanted to be a father. I'll admit I constantly think about all the things I plan to teach my son or daughter someday; Geography being at the top. I'll be damned if my kid is that x% of kids that cannot find the United States on a map.
After trying a considerable amount of times, it just wasn't happening. Now Missie had already been to the doctor a couple times so the next thing we thought, maybe it was me. So it was my turn.
Ah, the dreaded cup. Yes, I had to provide a specimen of the boys. I will admit, it was not the ideal conditions for doing so. No soft lighting or "reading material" for assistance, just a public restroom in a doctor's office, with super bright fluorescent lighting, and an old man pounding on the outside telling me to hurry up. Hurry up I did. Bottom line up front, I had a very low count. Here comes the ultrasound. A civilian Urologist in Kansas found I had a varicocele. Think of varicose veins in your leg; same thing, just in your crotch. Larger veins = slower blood flow = low sperm count. I needed it to go.
Exactly three days before leaving Kansas for California I had the surgery, called a varicocelectomy, where they would essentially synge down the veins, causing the blood to flow faster. 2% chance of it persisting were the chances. To add to the fun, during one last minute ultrasound before surgery, the Doc found a small mass in the left testicle. With no time to lose, I approved her to go ahead and remove it. I didn't think it was a big deal; a great naval Commander would inform me later it likely was.
Surgery over, varicocele done, off to California we go. We were stationed at Fort Irwin, a "lovely" little outpost in the middle of the Mojave High Desert. "In the Middle of Everywhere", the commanding general would proclaim. 2.5 hours to Vegas, 3.5 hours to San Diego, and 1.5 hours to L.A., so I guess that was an accurate description. First thing we did was get plugged back into the fertility fun. One advantage to being stationed there, and the lack of medical services available on post; we got referred to the west coast Mecca of military medical care, the Naval Medical Center at San Diego; hands down the finest medical facility I believe exists.
First things first, the plastic cup. After one sample, we got the call; Azoospermic was the result. Azoospermic essentially means a zero sperm count (shooting blanks I believe is the slang). Obviously thinking it may be a faulty test, I did it again. Azoospermic again. There was no mistake, something was wrong down there. I was referred to the great naval Commander, Doctor (CDR) D.C., the chief Urologist and Fertility Specialist at NMCSD, basically "the" guy to see. If you have never been inside a Urologists office, you need to. Lets just say that cartoon penis calendars are all the rage for these guys. Dr. D.C. would become another key stranger in our journey.
Monday, 09 March 2009: Dr. CDR D.C. would get right to work. He ordered a testicular ultrasound. If you've never had one, imagine another stranger rubbing jelly-like stuff on your "package" and running a wand over it. Not too bad. I had undergone the ultrasound, and was done. Missie and I decided to enjoy a beautiful sunny day walking around San Diego.
After an hour or so of grabbing some coffee and enjoying the sun, my cell phone rang. It was Dr. CDR D.C. himself calling. Now if you have ever tried to get a hold of your doctor for something, you know it can be almost impossible, but for him to call you on your cell phone, you know it couldn't be good. "That thing has to go immediately" he said. Referring to my right testicle. Basically my right boy was essentially one big mass of stuff that wasn't supposed to be there. He wanted to operate immediately, but we decided it could wait a couple days.
Friday, 13 March 2009: I underwent a Right Orchiectomy (Removal of a Testicle). Oh, and Missie's Grandparents were visiting that day. Talk about perfect timing.
Fast forwarding ahead a bit; the testicle was gone and studied. Dr. D.C. referred me to oncology, where I would meet another stranger, Dr. Lieutenant Commander "Chuck" Norris; who would confirm I had stage 2B testicular cancer, and would prescribe four rounds of etoposide and cisplatin chemotherapy. Each round would be five days long spread out three weeks apart. So basically Missie and I got a five day "vacation" in San Diego every three weeks. It would actually be the most relaxing part of this journey.
Dr. D.C. and Chuck Norris both had one question, what was in that left testicle? Remember, the "mass" removed in Kansas? I got them the lab results and everything I could get from that Doctor. They were basically very disappointed with this other Urologist believing that they should have seen this then. They found a mass around my left kidney, evidence that the mass in the testicle was likely a germ cell tumor. Oh well, they didn't, so here we are. I was left with one damaged testicle. Azoospermic forever, here I come.
Oh, one more thing, my Varicocile persisted...
I want to try to give the man's perspective on our story. I can tell you, the heartbreak of not being able to have children the "regular" way is by no means only felt by the women. It affects him too, but in different ways. You feel angry, and in some cases, less of a man.
Now Missie (who in my previous post was referred to as "M", but she has OK'd the use of her name), talked about the question, "do you have kids?" And some of the obtuse reactions we get when we say no. Another caveat to that version that cooks my grits (when in Rome) is when parents complain about their kids and inform me, "well you don't have kids, you wouldn't possibly understand." So I respond with my typical, "Who told you to have kids." That is usually followed by silence. Another favorite of ours that left us without a good response was a woman we knew in California who had three kids declaring how "lucky" we were that we didn't have kids. Really? If you only knew...
After my second tour in Iraq, we decided we were going to start trying. I have always wanted to be a father. I'll admit I constantly think about all the things I plan to teach my son or daughter someday; Geography being at the top. I'll be damned if my kid is that x% of kids that cannot find the United States on a map.
After trying a considerable amount of times, it just wasn't happening. Now Missie had already been to the doctor a couple times so the next thing we thought, maybe it was me. So it was my turn.
Ah, the dreaded cup. Yes, I had to provide a specimen of the boys. I will admit, it was not the ideal conditions for doing so. No soft lighting or "reading material" for assistance, just a public restroom in a doctor's office, with super bright fluorescent lighting, and an old man pounding on the outside telling me to hurry up. Hurry up I did. Bottom line up front, I had a very low count. Here comes the ultrasound. A civilian Urologist in Kansas found I had a varicocele. Think of varicose veins in your leg; same thing, just in your crotch. Larger veins = slower blood flow = low sperm count. I needed it to go.
Exactly three days before leaving Kansas for California I had the surgery, called a varicocelectomy, where they would essentially synge down the veins, causing the blood to flow faster. 2% chance of it persisting were the chances. To add to the fun, during one last minute ultrasound before surgery, the Doc found a small mass in the left testicle. With no time to lose, I approved her to go ahead and remove it. I didn't think it was a big deal; a great naval Commander would inform me later it likely was.
Surgery over, varicocele done, off to California we go. We were stationed at Fort Irwin, a "lovely" little outpost in the middle of the Mojave High Desert. "In the Middle of Everywhere", the commanding general would proclaim. 2.5 hours to Vegas, 3.5 hours to San Diego, and 1.5 hours to L.A., so I guess that was an accurate description. First thing we did was get plugged back into the fertility fun. One advantage to being stationed there, and the lack of medical services available on post; we got referred to the west coast Mecca of military medical care, the Naval Medical Center at San Diego; hands down the finest medical facility I believe exists.
First things first, the plastic cup. After one sample, we got the call; Azoospermic was the result. Azoospermic essentially means a zero sperm count (shooting blanks I believe is the slang). Obviously thinking it may be a faulty test, I did it again. Azoospermic again. There was no mistake, something was wrong down there. I was referred to the great naval Commander, Doctor (CDR) D.C., the chief Urologist and Fertility Specialist at NMCSD, basically "the" guy to see. If you have never been inside a Urologists office, you need to. Lets just say that cartoon penis calendars are all the rage for these guys. Dr. D.C. would become another key stranger in our journey.
Monday, 09 March 2009: Dr. CDR D.C. would get right to work. He ordered a testicular ultrasound. If you've never had one, imagine another stranger rubbing jelly-like stuff on your "package" and running a wand over it. Not too bad. I had undergone the ultrasound, and was done. Missie and I decided to enjoy a beautiful sunny day walking around San Diego.
After an hour or so of grabbing some coffee and enjoying the sun, my cell phone rang. It was Dr. CDR D.C. himself calling. Now if you have ever tried to get a hold of your doctor for something, you know it can be almost impossible, but for him to call you on your cell phone, you know it couldn't be good. "That thing has to go immediately" he said. Referring to my right testicle. Basically my right boy was essentially one big mass of stuff that wasn't supposed to be there. He wanted to operate immediately, but we decided it could wait a couple days.
Friday, 13 March 2009: I underwent a Right Orchiectomy (Removal of a Testicle). Oh, and Missie's Grandparents were visiting that day. Talk about perfect timing.
Fast forwarding ahead a bit; the testicle was gone and studied. Dr. D.C. referred me to oncology, where I would meet another stranger, Dr. Lieutenant Commander "Chuck" Norris; who would confirm I had stage 2B testicular cancer, and would prescribe four rounds of etoposide and cisplatin chemotherapy. Each round would be five days long spread out three weeks apart. So basically Missie and I got a five day "vacation" in San Diego every three weeks. It would actually be the most relaxing part of this journey.
Dr. D.C. and Chuck Norris both had one question, what was in that left testicle? Remember, the "mass" removed in Kansas? I got them the lab results and everything I could get from that Doctor. They were basically very disappointed with this other Urologist believing that they should have seen this then. They found a mass around my left kidney, evidence that the mass in the testicle was likely a germ cell tumor. Oh well, they didn't, so here we are. I was left with one damaged testicle. Azoospermic forever, here I come.
Oh, one more thing, my Varicocile persisted...
Goldilocks and the {four} Bears {part 1: where do we begin?}
Our decision to Adopt was an easy one; we wanted a family, but simply couldn't have one the "good old fashioned" way. We were no longer candidates for IVF, and - to be honest - finding a sperm donor,egg donor, and a surrogate to carry just seemed silly to us when we knew there were so many babies and children in need of a family.
Before Mike deployed last spring we agreed that we wanted to pursue a Domestic Adoption, and that as soon as he got home we would dive right in. We'll talk in detail about financing an Adoption and applying for grants in another post, but knowing that the average adoption cost $30-50,000, we knew the next year would be focused on saving up as much as we possibly could.
No more trips to DSW for me.....but that is A-OK!
Before Mike deployed last spring we agreed that we wanted to pursue a Domestic Adoption, and that as soon as he got home we would dive right in. We'll talk in detail about financing an Adoption and applying for grants in another post, but knowing that the average adoption cost $30-50,000, we knew the next year would be focused on saving up as much as we possibly could.
No more trips to DSW for me.....but that is A-OK!
***
Google search about adoption and your computer will nearly explode. Between all the laws, agencies, and resources out there for both Foreign and Domestic adoptions, it is truly overwhelming trying to figure out where to begin.
Sadly, it's also hard to figure out what online resources are reliable and which ones are scams. We wished we didn't feel the need to be paranoid, but we realized that something as expensive and emotionally involved as adoption would be an easy "praying ground" for those heartless and cruel scammers out there who would be looking to make a quick buck off an anxious and overwhelmed couple.
We needed to decide what avenue of Domestic Adoption was the best for us, and how on earth to begin the process. We knew we'd have to jump through some hoops - we'd heard stories of how your home would be inspected, and how you'd have to put together a book about your lives - but we didn't know the terminology. We knew it would be expensive, but we didn't know how those costs broke down. We knew some couples had success with fostering, others with private adoptions. We knew some couples were five years into the process and still didn't have a family.
Basically, we knew we didn't know a thing.
So our first bit of advice for anyone wanting to pursue an adoption -whether it's Foreign or Domestic - is this:
Start saving, start asking questions, and be truthful to yourself.
Saving: We'll get more into financial details later, but cut back on the trips to Starbucks & DSW, and sit down with a financial planner to let them know what your overall goal is. We talked to ours before Mike deployed, and I'm so grateful we did. We didn't have a lot of details at that time, but he at least knew we planned on having a major "purchase" in the near future. Little did we know that in a few months we would run into a huge issue with the home we own and rent out in Kansas - but when that happened, our planner was able to give us advice on how to deal with that problem while still staying on course for saving for the adoption. That half hour conversation in advance led to a lot of peace of mind in the future.
Asking Questions: There's no doubt that deciding to adopt will have you feeling very excited; quite honestly it will also have you feeling truly overwhelmed. There's a lot of information, myths, resources, facts, and opinions to sort through. You will do as much factual research as you will soul-searching, and it will be those facts and your personal feelings that will lead you to the right adoption path.
Since we are not pursuing a Foreign Adoption we won't reference to that. For Domestic Adoptions there were three avenues we needed to decide on; Fostering, an Adoption Agency, and Private Adoption. In the coming posts we will talk about each of these, how we researched them, and what we personally felt were the pros and cons of each that led us to our decision.
{Spoiler Alert: I will jump ahead and tell you we wound up going a different route, but we want to discuss each of these wonderful avenues before we got to that.}
It's important to learn as much as you can about the various ways there are to adopt. In addition to reading books, blogs, and online articles, we talked to families who adopted from each method. We also talked to friends who were adopted themselves to get their viewpoints, and we took advantage of being a military couple to set up a free meeting with a JAG lawyer to get some initial legal questions answered.
Be Truthful to Yourself: You are faced with so many decisions in the adoption process - more than I ever could have imagined being faced with. When one question gets answered, it seems to lead to three more questions. It's not just "do we want little boy or little girl" - it's "will our family be supportive and accepting if we adopt a child of a different race?" or "are we willing to adopt a child who is disabled or has a Birth Mom who is addicted to drugs?" {before we start rumors, let me just say we both come from incredibly loving and accepting families, so we know our child will be embraced and cherished no matter what. These are just examples of real questions we had to answer}
I'm going to take all the beauty and emotion of adopting a child out of the picture for this next statement. As much as it sucks to realize this, when you are adopting a child it does mean that -basically- you are making a major purchase. Before you buy a new car or take on a 30 year mortgage for a new home you wind up having to consider what you can afford, what you absolutely must have as amenities/features, and what little things you would like to have "ideally" but are willing to "go without."
As you sort through the facts, you have to also sort through you heart. And if you're married or in a relationship, you have to be completely open and honest with that person as to what you are and are not comfortable with. By having those tough conversations and doing your homework on the different routes to adoption, you will be able to reach a decision on which avenue is best for you.
Coming up next....The Foster System.
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