Our adoption notebook was about to get hit with a ton of notes, questions, scribbles, and websites; and our wine consumption was about to increase dramatically as we sat on our back porch hemming and hawing in deliberation over what we felt, at the time, were the two options we needed to decide on:
Adoption Agency or Adoption Lawyer?
The Adoption Agency
Wow, talk about overload. There are so many different Adoption Agencies in the U.S., and each of them have their own "feel," pricing, and beliefs. Before you truly start spending your Saturdays attending adoption seminars, there are some questions you will need to soul-search about. Truly these are questions you need to answer before beginning any adoption process, but as you read through agency information it will become apparent that certain things will either "work" or "not work" for your personal feelings and needs. Having a general feel for what you are comfortable with will certainly make your search a little easier.
Some things to consider:
- Are you comfortable with a semi-open or open adoption, or do you want a closed adoption?
- Are you wanting to adopt a child from overseas, or would you like a domestic adoption?
- Are you willing to adopt a child with special needs?
- Are you wanting to adopt an infant, an older child, or even a set of siblings?
- Is there a specific race or gender that you would like the child to be?
- How big of a role will Religion play in your adoption?
{would you like fries with that? Super Size it? Good grief...there's just too many questions!}
As you begin to wade through the Agencies out there, you will quickly see that while all agencies have a common purpose, they each have their unique personalities.Some will work exclusively with either Foreign or Domestic adoptions, while others can assist you with either. One agency may require that your adoption be a fully open one, the next one you see will require it to be closed. Faith may play a crucial part in working with an agency, or it may be an agency who is open to assist all.
When you come across an agency that has a "good feel" to you, request their information packet and pour through it with a fine tooth comb. Sign up for their Open House or Seminar, or schedule a meeting with them so that you can meet who you would potentially be working with, ask the tough questions, and learn as much as possible. Never take them at "face value" - just because they have a whiz-bang website doesn't mean they should be trusted without hesitation. Certainly get in touch with several to weigh your options.
A cool "trick" we learned from a wise and helpful adoptive Mom:
- After years of trying for a family, the burning question on all adoptive parents' minds is "how long will it take to finally have a child?" You will never get a solid answer on this because, honestly, no one can say. So what you really want to find out is how many adoptive families an agency works with on average per year; how many Birth Moms do they work with on average; how many matches to they average per year; and finally, how many placements do they average per year? That information will give you a better picture of the rate of success an agency has. {find out how many Social Workers/counselors they have as well...that will give you an idea of how much individual attention you will get}
Mike and I had several agencies that struck our interest, and one in particular gave us the "warm fuzzies" all over. The costs were a concern, but we were willing to do whatever it took...the bigger 'uht-oh' to us was being a military family.
Before we even began the adoption process we knew we would be facing a move within a few months. With state laws varying, and agencies certifications varying, it didn't look like we would be able to get started with an agency and then continue easily with them once we were out of the state. It seemed the options were going to be waiting until we moved to begin the process {we didn't want to have to put this on hold any longer}, or add to the cost by working with an agency and then having to hire an adoption lawyer in our new state to work in conjunction with the agency to finalize the process.
We weren't ready to cross that off the list yet, but we researched Private Adoption next so we could weigh the pros and cons.
The Adoption Lawyer
The best way to describe an Independent or Private Adoption is to say "the movie Juno." Ahhhh, but if it only were that easy...
Some adoptive parents are able to "put their feelers out" through their Church, Doctor, local teen shelter, advertisements, etc. When a Birth Mom is located who is considering adoption, the adoptive parent(s) can meet with her and -through the use of their individual Lawyer(s) - the terms of the adoption can be agreed upon.
Each Lawyer will have his/her own fees related to their services. These fees will typically be considerably less than what you would pay going through an Agency, however they won't include the costs of the Home Study, court paperwork, etc. If the Birth Mom requires assistance for her medical care, rent, food, utilities, etc (throughout her pregnancy and up to six months after delivery in the case of infants), these costs would also be in addition to the Lawyers fees....so it can add up quick.
As each state has its own laws, you will definitely want to consult with lawyers prior to placing any ads or 'putting yourself out there.' Typically it is illegal for the actual adoptive parents to place any sort of advertisement; the ads you see in papers and online are done through a proxy or lawyer.
Just as with researching agencies, do your homework when it comes to finding a lawyer!! If every "t" isn't crossed and "i" dotted in the paperwork, there could be huge trouble down the road. Ask for references, ask people you know for referrals, and meet with them in person to interview before hiring them.
On our lawyer quest, most charged a $100 fee for an initial consultation, but several would meet with for free.
We once again lucked out by not being afraid to ask around. Our cousin in law enforcement has spent a good deal of time in the Courthouse seeing local lawyers in action, and the top name on her recommendations was also a top name elsewhere. After meeting with him and having the recommendations for him that we had, we knew he would be 'our man' if we went that route.
After a couple of weeks of researching, our brains were fried and we were stuck between the two choices.
With a bottle of wine and a sheet of paper each, we sat down one night and both wrote out our personal "pros" and "cons" between going with the Agency or Lawyer. It was reassuring that we seemed to be on the same wavelength with what we each perceived as positives and negatives, but we were still "stuck." Neither seemed to give us exactly what we felt we needed, especially with our upcoming move.
If you're still bearing with me here {I know this post has been lengthy} we wanted to share some of the key "sticking points" giving us a rough time. If you are considering adoption these are things to consider:
With the Agency route we felt like we would have people to 'hold our hand' through the process, and we loved that counseling and support groups were available to the Birth Mom, ourselves, and our child, during and after the adoption. The costs were extremely high, but if a match didn't result in placement we weren't going to have to 'start from scratch' again-we knew there would be more Birth Moms at the agency hoping to find the right family for their baby. We also liked being able to look at numbers to get an idea of the 'wait time' we would be facing, and the agency seemed to facilitate a healthy relationship with the birth family.
On the "hmmmmm" side of things, our profile could only be shown to one birth mom at a time. So if someone was looking at our profile and someone else's, and they took three weeks going back and forth deciding between the two couples, we wouldn't be able to try for other babies. The agency route also didn't seem to allow us much "mutual selection." The process weighed more heavily on the birth mom selecting a family rather than the adoptive parents having a 'say.' We were also concerned that an overwhelmed agency might not be able to return our calls quickly, or that every time we called we'd speak to someone new. We wanted a relationship with someone that we could trust, and who truly knew our case and personalities.
With the Lawyer route we liked the potential for the adoption to not literally wipe out our entire life savings. However, in addition to our move once again begin a concern, we felt like we were going to be 'floating around' on our own. The lawyer only came into play once the child was born, so in the 'in between' time there wasn't anyone to give us guidance. We were also concerned about how long it could take before "stumbling upon" a young women who wanted to adopt and was willing to meet us.
It looked like it was really going to come down to flipping a coin. Literally.
Real mature, right?
Thankfully, the phone rang...and an adoptive Mom, "C," opened our eyes to another avenue. Just like Goldilocks, we were about to find our "just right."
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