How many steps in the 12-Step program?

From the beginning of this journey, I have vowed to make the most rational decisions based off the best information, not emotion.  But for the first time, the emotional toll was starting to hit me.

Missie and I were very upfront when we started looking at profiles of potential birth mothers; if/when we saw the word "Meth" anywhere, it was going to be a loud thunderous 'NO'.  Pretty easy, right?

This past week, our adoption consultant, K, presented us with a profile.  The baby, a boy, had already been born (27 weeks premature) in Arizona.  We read the profile about the birth mother, and there it was...METH.  She already had 10 kids, all taken from her by protective services, and had openly admitted to using Meth through her the pregnancy.  But, according to a report from the hospital, the baby was healthy albeit still very little.

Another variable, the price.  We had determined that without toughing our retirements, we can now do $33,000.  This was going to cost $40,000.  Another kicker, and this may have been the straw, the lawyer representing her was willing to reduce the cost to $30,000 for us.  How many lawyers do you know would actually give you a discount?  Not many.  Not to sound cliche, but it was almost an offer we couldn't refuse.

We thought about it.  Were we going to deviate from our convictions?  Would we cave and accept what we said we wouldn't?  If we do, where would it stop?  And at what cost?  The remainder of our retirements to just make a payment on the medical bills of a child who was born under the influence of Meth?

After some consulting with various folks in the medical field and some who have actually adopted children in that very circumstance; we got some good advice.  We passed on the profile.  This is where it got emotional.  I started to see this as a sure thing for us.  We would have a baby.  We would finally be parents.  All we would have had to do was say yes and so it shall have been.  But it wasn't.  I think history will show we made the right call.

Then it started again...the emotions.  I started to get extremely angry.  Angry at this woman in Arizona.  How dare her?  Who the hell does she think she is?  How could she do that to a poor innocent child that has done nothing?  She already screwed up her own life, why did she have to do it to another?  (or in her case, 10 others).

I'll admit, I cried.  Not as much as at the end of Marley and Me, but I did. 

We made our decision and stand by it.  Many friends have offered their encouragement and compliments and pep talks.  I'll be honest, I don't need a pep talk; I just want to know I am doing the right thing.