Reasoning

It has recently been brought to our attention that we have a few new people following along on our blog; we felt it was appropriate to take a moment to once again share with our readers the purpose and reason behind sharing our story. This post below was orginally shared on March 28th, 2012:

A lot of ideas spring to life over nothing more than a beer, a napkin, and good company. Deciding to share our adoption story in the form of this blog was no exception.

When we were going through our Home Study we initially decided that we would just do our best to keep things quiet. Our friends & family knew that we were starting the adoption process, and inevitably there'd be a frustration that lead to a Facebook post - but knowing The Wait was going to be a bumpy ride with a lot of emotions, we felt like it would be best to just hold back and not say a peep about any of it until we were on a plane headed to meet our sweet baby. It was going to be hard enough for us to deal with the ups & downs, so why put our parents and others through that as well?

As the Home Study process wrapped up we started getting messages and texts (even a phone call from someone I truly hardly know) wanting to know how things were going, and a few other people reached out wanting to know more about the adoption process because they had been considering it for their families. As I wrote them  back - especially the ones wanting to know where to start with an adoption - I felt like there was just so much we had learned from our experience so far that I wanted to make sure they knew about, because it wasn't spelled out on any brochure or website or article we had poured over in our research.

So this past weekend, over a beer and cheeseburgers, we outlined our goals for this blog:

• Keep our parents, family, and friends (and those who are just curious) up-to-date on our journey.
• Write honestly and openly about our adoption journey in hopes that our experiences will help other couples who are considering adoption. This will include talking about the financial aspects, "red tape" frustrations, emotional ups & downs, and why we chose the route we did.
• Include links to sites and information we found extremely helpful.
• Write from both of our perspectives. (Mike will post on a weekly basis, Missie at least weekly)

We can't help but feel that writing this blog will be a great form of 'therapy' as well.

Strawberry Short Cake

I don't want to repeat exactly what Missie wrote, but I want to continue to give the "his" version of the events.  We know that most friends and family already know the story, but this is for the record.  I will break this down into three stories; starting from the happiest, working my way down....

14 May 2012, 0330 in the morning, Missie and I awoke at our Hotel in Lawton Oklahoma.  We've never been so excited to wake up that early before in our lives; as today was to be the happiest day ever (next of course to our wedding).  We were up, showered, and out the door; jumping into the rental Corolla and making the 30-minute trek to a small town east of Lawton.

We were worried at first.  The initial word from the social worker, M, was that small town hospitals don't take kindly to adoptions and that we may be looked down on.  WE?  We would be looked down on for wanting to give our son a life filled with love, family, and opportunities?  Maybe that was the first signal; anyway, we didn't care, we were having our first child, a baby boy, Alan Michael (AJ for short).

We arrived at the birth center at small Regional Hospital.  Expecting to find only a bed with some bottles of Tylenol on the shelf, we entered what looked like a very impressive facility with, what we would come to find out and get to know, very kind, compassionate, and loving towards us Doctors, Nurses and Staff.  It turned out M got her hospitals and towns mixed up....forgiven.

We met our birth mom, "I".  At 0500, she arrived.  To us, she was an angel.  She was giving us the greatest gift we could ever receive.  She was as kind and loving in person as she was on the phone.  We were in love with her.  She embraced us and referred to us as "his parents".  Choosing us to be the parents of her baby was a decision she was sure about, so sure, that when the time came, she allowed us to put his full name (Alan Michael) and our last name on the legal birth certificate.

We also expected, being the adoptive parents, that we would have limited or even restricted access to the birth center and to our son.  We were very shocked when we were treated as the parents.  Both Missie and I were allowed to be in the room.  We held I's hand during the whole thing.  I watched our son come into the world, the very second his head hit the air of the outside, I watched it happen.  Missie and I took one look and we fell in love with him.  Alan Michael, our son, at 6lbs 6.9oz, 18.5 inches, stole our hearts and we have never been so happy.

We had the name Alan Michael picked out months ago, but this was the first time we were able to announce it.  Alan Michael is in honor of our fathers, his grandfathers.

I ran and grabbed the local newspaper from that day.  How neat would be, years from now, to show him what was happening on the day he was born.

The next four days were magical.  We were parents.  The hospital had given us a room and the second AJ was born, he was handed to us.  He stayed in our room.  The doctor and nurses came to us for everything.  As far as they were concerned, we were his parents.  The nurse even brought him a small birthday cake.  Missie took a few pictures of it, we looked at it, the proceeded to devour it, since we have not had a thing to eat that day yet.  It was Strawberry Short Cake, and it never tasted so good.

Out of respect for I, we took him down to see her.  A couple times she had asked, but we wanted to show her just how loved he is and continue to reinforce she was making the right decision.  We gave her a gift; a small necklace with two hearts and a small diamond; signifying her, us and AJ.  A tiny gesture considering what she gave us, but it was was we could do.

We wanted nothing more than to just take AJ home, however I requested that he not be released until she was.  "Very normal" said M, I's social worker.   However, on Thursday, when they were to be released, I allowed him to be released to us.  Thursday was nerve racking; I had requested 30 minutes with AJ and legally we had to oblige.  That was the longest 30 minutes of our life...up to that point.  We cried and the only thing we could think is "what if she changes her mind?"  M send us the note, he was ready, and we raced to I's room.  I's last words to us were, "He's yours, go ahead and take him".  We scooped him up, secured him into his brand new car seat, and we took him "home", the hotel in Lawton.  Now we just wait until Monday, as I would appear in court, and terminate her parental rights. 

We took AJ and immediately went to a local frozen yogurt place and had a small celebration, just the three of us.  Then took him to the one place every newborn must visit immediately....the WAL MART, to get the essentials that would last until we got him back home to NC.

The next four days were magical.  We were parents.  We were getting up at 3am to change a diaper, feed him, and just cuddle him.  We put him down only to sleep, if that.  Having waited so long, we didn't want to miss a second.  The pain we endured with not being able to have children dissolved.  We were happy and we planned to love AJ with everything we had.  Friends and family were sending their well wishes in force, and he even got to meet his great-grandparents and two cousins who made the trip from Tulsa to visit him. 

For the record, I loved changing the diaper and feeding him at 3am.  To me, that was just more time to bond.

Monday couldn't come soon enough.  That Saturday, five days after AJ was born, M called Missie and told us that I had called her and was very happy and at peace with her decision.  Mostly, she talked about how she was impressed with me, that she saw me and knew that her son would have a solid father figure in his life.  Something he wouldn't have otherwise. 

Sunday, another friend visited.  AJ was already racking up the love from friends an family before he was even one full week old. 

This was magical.  Missie and I have never been so happy.  I loved our group family hugs.  Missie holding him and I would wrap my arms around them both giving them both little kisses.  We were a family and couldn't wait for everything.  For him to meet his grand parents, his aunts and uncles, his other "aunts and uncles" (friends so close to us, they would be called aunt and uncle to him), his pre-approved wives who were all going to meet at West Virginia University and comprise the WVU class of 2034.  He was going to the beach in late June for a family reunion.  Before he was going to be two months old, we would have already moved three times; as Missie and I got orders shortly before leaving for OK.  His 8th birthday will come on my 20th anniversary of serving in the Army.  What a ride this was going to be, and couldn't have been more excited.

Sunday evening, the day before court, M, the social worker would call us.  No worry, she called the day before to tell us how happy I was with her decision and she knew AJ was going to have a mother and father who love him and will give him everything.  Just as 14th May changed our lives forever, so would this phone call. 

Strawberry Short Cake.  Don't know if I will ever be able to eat it again.

Loving A.J.

we regret not updating the blog throughout the past week; we left our computer at home knowing we wanted to focus on bonding with and loving our son. In the choice between packing a computer or my camera gear, I naturally chose the camera gear. We planned to blog using our iPad, but that wound up not working. Our friends and family know by now how this story ends, but we can never forget the joy and love of the past week. For our healing, we still need to share this week.

Monday, May 14th, at 8:37 AM, our son Alan Michael (A.J. for short) came into our lives. Both Mike & I were allowed to be in the delivery room; we each held the Birth Mom's hand throughout the C-section...I remember looking down at her thinking she was absolutely the most beautiful human being on the planet for what she was giving us...and the moment we first heard AJ's little cry and touched his tiny little hands, I could feel my heart just swell out of my chest, open up, and embrace him.

Our son. It was amazing.

More than just giving us the precious gift of life and parenthood, the Birth Mom was allowing us to be there for our son's first breath. She was allowing us to be the ones to hold him, name him, bond with him, and love him. She was giving us so much - we were experiencing every bit of parenthood as if we were the ones to create this precious life. She didn't have to do that; legally, until she signed the paperwork in front of a judge, AJ was hers. She had the right to be the one to hold him, the one to name him, the one to say just how much time and contact with him we could have. But she gave all of that to us.

All we had to give her was a gold necklace. A gold heart to symbolize us, with a smaller heart inside to symbolize her. That heart had a little diamond, to symbolize AJ. We wanted her to know that she would always have a special place in our hearts, and in AJ's as well. Presenting it to her we felt silly and awkward - there were no words or objects grand enough to ever show her our gratitude and respect, but we hoped this token and our tears would be a start.

The nurses and Doctors at the hospital were wonderful; it was a small town, and the Birth Mom's Social Worker had warned us in advance that they may not be as open-minded and helpful in an adoption situation as larger hospitals typically are, (especially since AJ is multiracial and we are white), but thankfully that was the farthest thing from what we experienced. We were paying for the Birth Mom's room and care, but they gave us a room of our own for free. They came to us for all of AJ's care, answered all of our silly "first-time-parents" questions, and shared in our joy. They admitted that they don't deal with a lot of adoptions, and they were excited to be a part of ours.

For four days, while the Birth Mom healed from her C-section, we lived in the hospital with our son AJ. Other than the hour on the 15th that the nurses needed him to do bloodwork and other tests, he was not out of our sight or arms. We did nothing but stare in amazement at AJ; kissing him, cuddling him, and telling him over and over how much we loved him and how beautiful he was. We could not believe our good fortune; after all the chemo treatments, surgeries, and scary medical moments of the past few years, we were finally having "good luck."

We had honestly lost faith over the years because of all that had happened to us, but we were quickly gaining it back - there must be a God afterall, because here in our arms was this precious miracle. And not only did we have this beautiful little son, healthy and happy with all ten fingers and all ten toes, but we had an adoption story that was solid, sure, and no-risk. God was finally "rewarding" us for all the pain we'd been put through.

From the moment we first "met" the Birth Mom, (up until the morning of AJ's birth we had only been able to communicate via phone and e-mails), we were repeatedly being told how at peace she was with her desicion to give AJ to us. We were sent sonogram photos by her, she opened up to us about the Birth Father and the circumstances surrounded not just her choice but need to find a better home and situation for AJ; she opened up about the life she and her 11 year old daughter have, and how she couldn't take care of a newborn, how she needed to heal and move forward to make their life better, and how if she kept this baby she was carrying it would ruin her and her daughter's life.

The Birth Father, we were told, was a horribly abusive man, who also happened to be married. She opened up to us that he had lied to her about his name, and that she couldn't even find him now. She opened up about keeping this adoption a secret from him so that she could protect the life she was carrying. We were assured that he would never be found because his real name was not known, but that even if he did find out that she was pregnant he denied that even his wife's children were his - he would not contest the adoption, would want nothing to do with this baby.

We had discussed this with the Agency she was using and the lawyers - they had seen this scenario many times. It would be no problem - an ad would be placed announcing the birth of this child, after 30 days when he didn't step forward to claim being the biological father the State would sign off relinquishing his rights on his behalf. Once the Birth Mom relinquished her rights, AJ would be ours. If the Birth Father ever appeared, he would have to prove he was there financially for the Birth Mom throughout the pregnancy and that he could be a better parent than us. He had no leg to stand on; we were assured that while it would be a matter of getting a lawyer and going to court, AJ would not be taken from us. This man was no-good, there was nothing to worry about.

We knew all this before AJ was born; we already loved him and knew we would do whatever it took to protect him. We were not worried about this man reappearing. The Birth Mom told us flat out that she already considered us the parents, she told her Social Worker that she felt no attachment to the baby she was carrying, and after she gave birth she told the nurses to have us fill out the Birth Certificate application with the name we wanted for him - with our last name. We were not worried about her changing her mind.

We allowed ourselved to feel every ounce of joy that we deserved to feel. Four days after staying in the hospital with him, the Birth Mom signed paperwork releasing him into our care until her court date of the 21st. We left the hospital with our son, and began life as a family. We have never experienced such pure and complete joy and love in our lives. It was the most perfect, beautiful week. Our hearts, our lives, were complete.

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day! Mike and I flew out yesterday;it was our last chance to enjoy an easy breeze through airport security - no stroller, diapers, formula. After all the worldwide adventures we've had together we've definitely become seasoned travelers, but we confess that we are a little stressed thinking about how we will survive flying home with a newborn. We took advantage of the time at the baggage check station to get advice from the Southwest Agent on how not to become "those people." She got a giggle out of us. Last night we picked up our little guy's sweet new "ride." His stroller matches his nursery, and is already decked out with a few fun toys...I think Mike is going to wear out the batteries on the little hanging bug that wiggles; he can't stop playing with it. He's so cute... This morning we are trying to relax; our Birth Mom goes in for her pre-op this afternoon, and we are set to meet her and the Social Worker, "M", at 6AM tomorrow. Originally we were going to meet her for breakfast today; we all thought it would be great to meet in person outside of the hospital setting for the first time. After talking to her last night and this morning, though, we agreed she really just needs to take it easy...she is definitely feeling like this little guy is wanting to come say hello. We are at the ready just in case today winds up being The Day! This Mother's Day I have the fullest heart anyone could ever possibly have. At any moment in the next 24 hours I will be meeting my son; I have the most amazing man by my side, (who is going to be a fantastic Daddy); I have an incredible group of friends, who have kept me sane with all my pre-Mommy jitters; and I have the footsteps of my Mom to follow over the years to come. OK,little guy! We are ready to do this! See you soon!! Xoxo

And Then, there were Three....

Well technically, if you count the dog and the cat, it will be four.

Anyway, this one will be short but happy.  We are on our way to Oklahoma to meet our son. 

But I can't leave you with nothing, so I will share with you our top-ten lessons learned from 6 years of having a dog and cat before having a child.  We will not make the following mistakes twice:
10. No people food, especially from the table.
9. No treats unless you sit, shake, and speak...in that exact order.
8. No going outside without a leash.
7. We will try to tire with a long run so you'll sleep if we have to leave you in the house for a couple hours.
6. No jumping on the bed or furniture, you may shed too much.
5. Keep the spray bottle handle to deter you from going where we don't want you to go.
4. We will be sure to have ice cream ready to hand you if we need you to be quiet during an important call.
3. We know that 4 days is the threshold for your litter box to go uncleaned.
2. We will teach you to play fetch better.
1. If we need to bribe you with milk bones, we won't show you where we keep them; you may leverage that.

Now, where do I find some cigars?

A Million Miles a Minute

So what was I say previously about all the waiting? Whew!...Disregard!! We are going from zero to baby in no time flat now.

We woke up Monday planning on having 15 days to get everything prepped and ready for meeting our little one; by Tuesday evening we were down to 5; it seems our little guy is just as excited to come out and meet us as we are to meet him!

Since being matched with our Birth Mom we've been overjoyed; we've also been running full-stem ahead to get things arranged at work, home, and on the legal side. There's been a slew of legal contracts and additional applications to complete,  some "sticker-shock" to get over (we'll dive into that later...but the price we were told has crept up...and up...), travel arrangements to make, and oh, yeah- the nursery!! (Not to mention the same day we found out our little guy is arriving early we also received orders from the Army - we're moving in July!) Good thing we aren't a fans of "boring!"

Timing could not have been better, though. As luck would have it my Parents just happened to be heading down to visit before we knew we had been matched. From the moment they pulled in the driveway we have kept them busy - I don't know how we could have pulled this off without them being here this week! While Mike and I have been making calls, running around faxing paperwork, and  trying to get everything organized at work and for the month ahead, my parents have been able to get the spare room cleared out and ready to become the nursery, and in a true labor of love my Mom has stripped down the antique dresser we had purchased and refinished it to become the accent piece in the room. We haven't had to worry about making dinner, doing laundry, dishes....if it weren't for them we'd probably gone all week without eating; there just hasn't been a second to sit and breathe!

***

Last week we had planned on diving into the financial side of an adoption; I'm glad it worked out that we didn't get to that topic - obviously most importantly because it means we've been so distracted by the amazing news that we're going to be a Mommy & Daddy, but secondly because this week has been a crash course in "what a lawyer says isn't what a lawyer means." When we finally have the chance to sit down and write about the financial side, we will have a lot more experience and wisdom to pass on to you about this topic. Right now I won't lie - we are feeling completely overwhelmed with all the additional costs that we keep finding out about, but we are reminding ourselves that come Monday when we're holding our son (OUR son! Can you believe that?!!) none of the stress of this week will even matter.

***

We have been able to talk to our Birth Mom through phone calls and e-mails a few more times this week, and she's even sent us a few ultrasound images! We feel so incredibly lucky to be able to get to know her; throughout this whole process we've tried to think ahead to what will be the best for our little one as he gets older and begins to ask questions. We've always felt it was important to be able to answer his questions, and want him to know about his Birth Mom. In focusing on what we feel is best for our child, we overlooked how much we would benefit as well. The relationship we have begun to build with her has really made this whole experience even more beautiful and enriching.

***

With each State having its own adoption laws there's certainly a lot of added details in the process, but right now we are keeping our "eyes on the prize." Very soon we will be landing in another state, and meeting our Birth Mom at the hospital. (we're hoping our little guy can hang on 'till we get there- she's been having contractions!) We truly feel in our hearts that everything is going to go smoothly, but we will certainly still be holding our breaths. Our Birth Mom will go to court one day after she is released from the hospital to sign the paperwork relinquishing her parental rights. We cannot imagine the emotions she is feeling, and hope we have found the right words to express to her how much we respect her, support her, and are grateful for her. She will forever be in our hearts and lives, and hopefully she knows this. This little guy is already loved by so many of our friends and family; we want her to know without a doubt that she has made the best decision for herself and her baby. We feel like our conversations have put all of us at ease and at peace; now it's just hoping we are right.



Our First Date

This entire journey has been unreal, and we are both so fortunate to be able to say that with every step we have felt completely confident that the path we chose was 100% the right path for us.  K has been there for us each and every time we've needed her - guiding us not only on the "business" side of adoption, but helping to keep us sane emotionally as well. How will we ever thank her? We just don't know...but she is forever a part of our hearts and lives.

Yesterday K came through for us once again; our Birth Mom wanted to talk to us, and a phone call had been set up for last night. We were extremely excited to be able to get to "meet" her, but we were also  very nervous...what if we said something stupid that made her not like us? Would she change her mind? What do we talk about? Where do we start? We have so many questions, but no idea how to ask them. This, in essence, was going to be the most important "first date" of our lives, and we just were clueless on how to handle it.

K, as always, had the solution. Help came in the form of a gal we'll call K2; she is our very own "Hitch" - a dating guru, but for adoptive parents.

K2 is a Birth Mom herself. She has a beautiful story of how her unplanned pregancy became a unique blessing in her life, and she now selflessly shares her story and perspective with Adoptive Parents like us, who are about to talk to their Birth Mom for the first time.  This is one of the biggest 'perks' available to us by choosing A Step Ahead (the adoption consulting agency we are using); without her we would have been a couple of bumbling idiots, and the experience could have been a complete disaster rather than the resounding success that it was.

K2 spent the morning answering the numerous questions that we had, and helping us better appreciate what our Birth Mom is going through. By the time we were dialing our Birth Mom's phone number we were still nervous -how could we be anything else? - but we were nervous with confidence.

It was amazing; our Birth Mom answered the phone, we managed to get out the first sentence without puking or mumbling in a foreign language, and from there it all just flowed.

I won't say it was perfect - there were a couple of pauses (we recovered nicely), and at one point I found myself saying "I'm sorry, did you just say your daughter likes strippers?" (doh! Yes - I did really say that!! Thankfully, it got a laugh, though...between my bad hearing and the phone connection I swear that's what I heard and I knew it wasn't correct, but my poorly worded question just popped out before I could stop myself. Still kicking myself for that one...). But we learned so much about her, and we feel fantastic that we have started to build this relationship with her.

We won't go into details since it is a private conversation, but we will share that we just couldn't be any happier that she is our Birth Mom. She is honestly just wonderful, and we truly do have several things in common...on top of the similar interests and hobbies, it gave me goosebumps to hear how she felt in her heart about our profile the way we felt in ours about hers. This really is meant to be...

*On a side note, we just want to stress to anyone considering adoption to please ask the agencies, lawyers, and/or consulting firms that you are interviewing about the types of resources they will have available to you. Not all adoptive parents will get to meet or talk to their Birth Moms, but if you do it is undoubtebly an incredibly important (and nerve-wracking) experience. Having the ability to talk to someone about this conversation is incredibly helpful, and if it can be from the perspective of a Birth Mom you will benefit tremendously.

**On a really cool side note, how cool is it that we now know our little guy is apparently quite active in our Birth Mom's belly? He's doing great according to the last Drs appointment!

E Pluribus Unum

I hope to be a tad shorter than Missie's post, "The Call", but I come bringing good news.  A little about the title I chose, which of course translates to 'One from Many'.  What does that have to do with anything?  We'll get to that.

Well, the anger has subsided since my last post and we have moved on.  So I bring good news.  We received word on Tuesday that a birth mother has picked us as potential adoptive parents for her boy due May 22. 

MAY 22!?!?!  Holy ----!  That is only 17 days from now.  But you know what, from what Missie and I have been through; cancer, surgeries, infertility, weggener's granulomatosis, shattered ankles and even 36 months of our marriage being physically apart due to deployments; I say Bring It!  We got this!

So, E Pluribus Unum.  Back when were contemplating the baby in Arizona (Meth), the lawyer told us that this birth mother (I from Oklahoma), who we felt really good about, had too many profiles and the chances of us being picked was not likely.  E Pluribus Unum....out of all those profiles, she picked us.  We were one of many, and we couldn't be more excited.

So why Missie is being silly and picking out paint swatches for the nursery, I'm doing more practical things; like making an appointment at Bass Pro Shop for my son to get fitted for waders, a pole and a good hunting rifle.  Calm down people, the appointment is not until June 1st, we'll give him a few days to grow a little.

And yes, as per that last paragraph...It's a Boy!

More to follow.............

The Call

It is Friday morning, May 4th, and I have been going absolutely BONKERS all week. I have spent the past couple of days lying to my Parents, avoiding phone calls, and trying desperately too keep my emotions in check and my mouth shut. I haven't been able to sleep, my stomach's been upset, and I have literally been shakey...

I thought the waiting around for all the paperwork to arrive for our Home Study was bad; I thought the waiting around for us to start receiving profiles was even worse; I thought the waiting for our profile to be reviewed by a Birth Mom was the worst. But BY FAR this wait has been worser-than-worst...(I'm bracing myself - I have three more levels of even-worser-than-worst waiting to go)
I have been waiting since Tuesday evening to finally share with everyone that we got The Call!!!!! We are going to be a Mommy & Daddy!!! Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh....can you believe it?!! I almost can't, but it's true. It's happening...we're going to have a family!! And SOON!!!!!
Oh, it feels SOOOOO good to finally type that. I just couldn't take it any longer. It's been killing me all week, but we wanted to wait till we talked to the her lawyer and had a chance to tell our Parents.
This waiting-to-tell thing was bananas!!!!
So, wait...what? We got The Call and we didn't IMMEDIATELY start shouting it from the rooftops?! Oooooooh, did I want to! I picked up the phone so many times to call my besties; I started to type posts; I thought of ways to tell our family and friends...I have wanted to scream it out loud since the second I've known. But Mike wanted to wait until we knew "for sure."
We haven't written a check yet, so technically the match is not completely a match; but we were picked by a Birth Mom, and we have agreed, so verbally - we are now expectant parents!!! We actually get to talk to her tomorrow night!
I have been bursting at the seams all week, smiling huge, and tearing up constantly. It has physically be so hard for me not to share this with my Mom & Dad and closest gal pals; I've needed them to talk to, especially since Mike hasn't been getting home until 8 with work. I have been a pent up ball of excitement and nervousness just ready to explode, and I haven't been able to talk to anyone to calm myself down...
What was supposed to be a fairly quick wait to share the news has wound up being dragged out. I have felt like I've been hiding a criminal all week; I talk to my parents every day, and every day I've had to keep this from them. I hated it...and I'm so sorry for keeping you out of the loop!!!
This is going to wind up being a novel in itself, but this is the story of The Call. Believe me, I have been wanting to share this since THE SECOND we got it...

THE CALL

6:20ish PM, Tuesday May 2nd:

Mike and I found out there was a little girl born, needing immediate placement. We told K that we were interested and wanted to submit our profile for the agency to consider. K was sending our profile over to the agency, but in the meantime she wanted to let us know that there were also two other profiles she was going to be sending our way.

Throughout the day I was excited to see what the other two profiles would be like, and of course was anxious to see if they agency would have any interest in our profile for the little girl. But  while it was exciting, I just can't explain it - it wasn't the same feeling that I had about submitting our profile for the case of the little boy the week earlier. If I closed my eyes I could picture myself holding him. I had said it to Mike, to K, to friends - there was just something about that profile that I felt really good about.

But that was  "done," we were told a lot of families had submitted for that little boy, and that our profile wasn't in the top of the pile. It wasn't meant to be...

K let me know that one of the cases she was sending has strict requirements for the adoptive parent Adoption Profile. Typcially these are about 15-20 pages; this agency would only accept 5 page, bound books. She predicted this would be a  case we'd want to submit for, so she gave me the heads up so that I could get started on that while waiting for the profile to come in.  I was definitely stressing;  it was hard summing up our lives and dreams in 17 pages - how would I then take that and make it 5 pages that still "sold" us? And how would I get it printed, bound, and over-nighted ... it was already after 5:30 PM.

I had just jumped in the shower when I got that news, so I rushed downstairs a complete mess...I was feeling frazzeled. I vented on Facebook with a quick post about how my "perfectionish" tendencies with designing were really not doing me any favors at that point. I needed to go, go, go with this!

The phone rang.

K's voice sounded particularly perky, but she's always cheery so I didn't read much into it. I had no idea that at that second she was changing our lives forever.

(I'm crying right now as I relive this...here's hoping I don't have any crazy typos!)

"Missie, it's 'K' sweetie. Is Mike home?"

(No....he's still at work. Poor guy hasn't been getting home until 8 lately...)

"I have some really great news, and I hoped to be able to tell you both together....do you remember Birth Mom -----? "

(yes.....)

"She picked you. You're going to be a Mommy....."

At this point I honestly can't remember the rest of the conversation.  I was sobbing hysterically, and I think I kept apologizing for crying. K said something giggly about how I was supposed to be acting like that, and something about probably not remembering a word of what she was saying... I'm pretty sure my reaction scared our Dog and Cat - I do not "cry pretty;" I was sobbing, waving my hands in front of my face...

I hung up with K, chased after the dog and screamed "you're going to be a big sister!" and called Mike at work.

TELLING MIKE



When I pictured finding out I was going to be a Mommy I didn't picture wearing "HoHoHo" pants, having my hair wrapped up in a towel, and chasing down my dog afterwards. I think I was more envisioning a beautiful field of sunflowers, a soft breeze, butterflies....or, at least the way my friends found out -  peeing on a stick. (hmmm, maybe the HoHoHo pants are along the same level as having to pee on a stick? Neither are very attractive to picture)

Since we started the adoption process I really hadn't given any thought to how I would break the news to Mike when we were picked; I just assumed we'd be sitting next to each other when The Call came. I wasn't expecting this call, about this baby, so when it happened my head was certainly not together enough to be calm and calculating on a romantic way to tell Mike. Poor guy got a call at work from a hysterical wife. I believe the words I sobbed were "How would you like to be Daddy?"

I ran upstairs after hanging up with Mike. He was rushing home, so I had about 15 minutes to get myself "together." After one look in the mirror I knew if he hopped out of the car and saw my bloodshot eyes, blotchy face, HoHoHo pants, and spastic hair,  he'd probably go running for the hills rather than get excited at the reality of raising a child with me. I didn't have enough time to get myself looking like a prom queen, but at least I could greet the new Daddy at the door without looking like one of those "people of Walmart" photos.

MOTHER'S INTUITION

I kid you not - the SECOND I got upstairs after telling Mike, my Mom called. In my mind Mike was going to come home and either (1) have a concern and not want to agree to the match, or (2) we were going to take a moment to breathe and pop some champagne, and then call our parents with the news.

I didn't want to tell my parents they were going to be  Busia & PopPop until I knew for sure Mike was as ecstatic as I was, we had a chance to process the news, and talk about how we were going to tell both our families....but in my irrational state of mine rather than just ignore the call I took a deep breath, tried to calm myself, and answered the phone.

It was the first "omission of news" to my parents. But I figured it was only going to be an omission for a few hours, so it wasn't going to be bad.

With the rush of the day I hadn't spoken to my parents yet, so it didn't dawn on me that they would have seen my blog post about submitting our profile for the newborn little girl. My Mom was calling to make sure we knew if we needed them to get anywhere to help us out they'd be there in a heartbeat. She wanted to know about this little girl, and where she was, and when we would know. I don't know how I did it, but I somehow kept myself from crying and spilling the beans. I told her what little I knew about the little girl and where she was, and that we didn't know anything yet about if the agency picked us.

While I wasn't telling my parents that we already knew something, I also wasn't lying to them...

We didn't know about the little girl. We didn't know when we'd know about the little girl. Frankly, at that moment, the little girl didn't matter anymore, because we were having a little BOY!

Turns out Mother's Intuition isn't something only a biological Mommy can have. I had it!

The little boy I pictured myself holding, the little boy from the case last week that I had such good feelings about...that little boy is going to be our son.

Every adoptive parent we talked to said they couldn't describe it, but that there would be something about a case that would just make you take that leap of faith. I had felt that with this profile, and when Mike agreed that he wanted to try for that baby, too, I just knew something good was going to happen. There were so many things about the Birth Mom's profile that I liked, and I just felt like she was going to like us, too. That night, after we had submitted our profile, we saw a newborn while we were standing in line at Target; he was so itty-bitty and his skin tone and hair looked like how we picture our son's might look. I was completely enamoured, and felt like it was a little "sign" - a peek into our future.

If you remember, I even blogged about feeling so calm while we were waiting for news on if we were picked. I even said the strong feelings I had about this little guy made having to say "no" to the immediate case of the other newborn boy so much easier. I told K how we were still hopeful about that case when we let her know we weren't comfortable with the meth preemie.

But we had been told, essentially, that this Birth Mom didn't pick us. We were crushed last week to hear that a lot of families had submitted for this little boy, and that our profile wasn't at the top of her list. Turns out, that wasn't the case at all.

Our little guy is due on May 22nd. The poor Birth Mom has not been feeling well, and between that and wanting to carefully consider the families before making her choice, her decision took a little over a week. The same big shot adoption lawyer that is handling her case is also handling the case of the meth preemie; while we'll never know, I suspect that he told K we weren't going to be picked by this Birth Mom in hopes that emotionally that would get us to agree to take the other baby. (remember he had even dropped 10K off the price and offered to help us find a place to live while the baby was in the hospital for several weeks)

I apologize to my lawyer friends because I know they aren't like this, but I can't help but wonder if this guy is just one of those stereotypical lawyers you hear about; concerned solely about getting his paycheck rather than having a conscious. He was essentially "pushing" a baby onto us that we weren't comfortable with, at the same time giving us the impression that the one we felt a connection to wasn't going to be ours. Hopefully I'm wrong on that and he really does have compassion for the emotions and rights of adoptive families, but I think he truly thought he could get away with playing with our emotions to get us to make a rash decision that benefited him. I am SO glad we stayed strong and stuck with our gut.

  WHY HAVE WE WAITED?

 If the purpose of writing this blog was to share an honest and open adoption story, its' kinda weird that we've not shared this amazing news yet on here. There's so many emotions to talk about, but we wanted our parents to hear it from us first, not from a computer screen.
One big concern we had was finding out we weren't really matched. One Adoptive Family we talked to had a Birth Mom pick them, then the next day she changed her mind and went with another family. That scenario was on the back of our mind. Since it was evening, K told us we wouldn't hear from the adoption lawyer until Wednesday. We figured we'd pop some champagne, celebrate together, and tell our parents after we talked to the lawyer and had things confirmed.
Wednesday came....and went...all day I kept waiting for the confirmation that it wasn't a dream. I was restless, nervous,unable to sleep, focus, or calm myself down. Somehow I managed to have a consultation with a client, but even during that I was not fully "together." I was physically not feeling well because of my nerves. Why hadn't we heard anything? Shouldn't this lawyer be demanding his big, fat check by now? What was going on? Why wasn't anyone confirming anything? Poor K was getting blasted with e-mails from me with my concerns, but it was all out of her hands - once you are matched you have to work with that Birth Mom's particular lawyer/agency, and K couldn't do anything but reassure me that my fears were valid, but that we had been matched and just needed to wait until we heard from the lawyer to get additional information from him on the legal side.

Wednesday night Mike wasn't going to be home until after 8; to keep myself somewhat sane I wound up hitting the local "Once Upon a Child" and Target to start building a wardrobe for our little guy. He's going to be one stylish little kiddo...I had a blast!
Wednesday night was another sleepless night. I was beyond anxious on having everything confirmed, scared to death about the possibilities, and very frustrated that the lawyer hadn't made any attempts to contact us. Obviously he is not an adoptive parent himself; he clearly is out of touch with the emotional side of this process.
Thursday morning and afternoon were even more painful. I blogged in hopes writing something would help, but I couldn't write what I really wanted to write; all I could do was describe how painful the waiting was...
I needed to tell my parents and friends, I needed to talk to someone. I have a crash-course in Mommyhood to do, an entire nursery to set up, and less than three weeks to do it all. But until we had confirmation Mike wasn't comfortable telling our parents.
Thursday afternoon we FINALLY got the call from this lawyer. We got more information on the Birth Mom, and even got to read her comments on why she picked us. It was amazing, reassurring, and humbling.

KEEP YOUR FINGERS CROSSED

So...what's next?

Tomorrow night we actually get to talk to our Birth Mom; we are very excited to get to know her, but obviously are also extremely nervous. Then it'll be all the fun legal stuff and getting our nursery set up super quick. Our little guy will be here in 18 DAYS!!!!!!!

We are not out of the woods yet...our Birth Mom could still change her mind and decide to keep the baby, even after he is born. That time period between his birth and signing the papers is going to be one heck of a nerve-wracking time...then after that it will still be 6-9 months before the adoption will be finalized. So PLEASE, please, p-l-e-a-s-e think good, happy, positive thoughts for us, our baby, and our Birth Mom. While we are extremely over-the-moon, I can't imagine what she is going through. I want her to be completely confident in her choice, and know deep in her heart that she made the best choice.

OK...well, I've got a nursery to set up!!! XOXO

Bananas I tell you...bananas!

I can sum up the week with this song lyric; "this Shit is bananas...bananas!"

I am completely and honestly going bonkers!

Holding Pattern

Stuck in a holding pattern right now!

Just like the airlines, there's no beverages or little bags of peanuts to help make the wait more comfortable, and my hubby has no problems sleeping while I'm wide awake, jittery, and desperate to find ways to make time pass by.

Yesterday I was up at 2:45 AM, wide awake, with no hope of falling back asleep. All day I was shakey and on edge...I walked my dog just about 'till her poor legs fell off, hit the gym, tried to focus on work, majorly botched a parellel parking attempt (at least I added humor to an onlookers day...), and drove K and my hubby bonkers with e-mails and texts. By 10 PM I was still wound up tight, my heart a-flittering.

This morning the clock said 1 AM when my eyes opened. I thankfully managed to fall back asleep at 3, but then continued to hit the snooze button from 4:30-7 (....yeah, ummmmm - about that early AM workout I was supposed to do.....whoops....)

K knows me well enough by now to have an e-mail already out to me by 7 AM, reassurring me she will let us know any news as soon as it comes in....poor gal was probably ready to take out a restraining order on my e-mails yesterday!

Last week I was soooo calm; this week - a completely different story.

I keep trying to post about the financial aspects of an adoption since that was our plan for this week, but I just cannot sit still long enough. I am also having the worst time trying to focus on work. Ack! I really need to get my brain focused again quickly, but I just don't see that happening....

Here we go....{again}...

Mike e-mailed me this morning with a link to a story that just made me sick to my stomach. It was about a woman in Missouri who ran an adoption scam; 23 families and 5 adoption agencies were scammed by this sorry excuse for a human being. Basically, she would pretend to be pregnant and wanting to give the baby up for adoption. Families were 'matched' with her; they would pay for the "adoption,"  but never got the baby. Meanwhile, she had her living expenses being paid for. (we'll get into this, but Birth Moms can have their living expenses paid for as part of adoption costs)

Mike's comment with the attachment was "this is a reminder of why we need to be careful."

It's so scary that this can happen. And sickening. But the truth is, there are no guarantees for anyone wanting to adopt. A Birth Mom could change her mind at any time up until the paperwork is signed and verified; Grandparents or the Birth Father could decide they want to raise the baby; a heartless person could know all-along that they have no intention of giving up their baby, but in order to have their medical bills and living expenses paid for they can contact an agency, pick a family, accept the money, and then "change their mind" at the last minute. There's no protection against that.

We have already said no to a few cases that we could have afforded without going into any debt, simply because something didn't feel right. We don't want to have to be "picky" when it comes to trying for a healthy baby, but we have to be - if there seems to be a high risk of the Birth Mom changing or mind, or any hint that there's something "fishy" about the Birth Parents' stories, we have to walk away. We can't afford to lose that money. It's so hard, but we have to.

We are willing to take that leap of faith when it feels right. Last week we tried for the little boy who is due in a few days. The at-risk amount was very high, but we felt incredibly comfortable with the Birth Mom's profile and story. While there was no guarantee, there was every indication that she is truly ready to sign the adoption papers. Unfortunately since she didn't pick us we'll never know if our instincts on her were correct, but hopefully they were.

In the world of infant adoption you are either seeing cases like that, where you are holding your breath for a while until the baby is born and the paperwork is signed, or you are seeing cases like the Twin Boys we first saw, the little meth baby from last week, and the case we literally just received. These are the "BOGs". Babies on the Ground.

BOGs have already been born, and while you miss out on the opportunity to meet them when they are truly newborn (some Birth Moms will allow you to be in the room during delivery, so you can even cut the umbilical cord), you get to "breathe easier" knowing that there is minimal to no risk of the adoption not going through.

The first two BOG cases didn't pan out for us; the twins were just too expensive ($53k, plus any unpaid medical bills - they were already 6 mnths old), and you know the drama of last week's premie.
It's time to hold our breaths again and see what happens with today's profile...

It's a little baby girl, she was just born today. There is still information coming in on her because she was just born and the Birth Mom's adoption lawyer is in court....but she is healthy, ready to be released from the hospital in the next day or so, and (da-da-da-dum! trumpets, please) the Birth Parents are apparently signing the paperwork right now. It would be a guaranteed adoption.

We just sent K an e-mail with a resounding "YES!!!" to her question on if we were interested. So, here we go again on submitting our profile and holding our breaths.

With this case the Birth Mom and Father are not the ones to be selecting the family; the adoption agency is. It's out of our price range, but knowing it would be a no-risk adoption if we were picked we decided we had to at least submit our profile and see. If we are selected then this is meant to be, and somehow we will figure this out.

The article this morning was a reminder of how risky an adoption can be; it was also a reminder that sometimes you have to take a leap of faith when something is presented to you, no matter what the financial cost, because in the end that is just money and in this case it very well would be buying happiness.

Many Thanks

Mike and I have been truly touched by several e-mails we have received from our blog posts. Several people have reached out to share their own battles with infertility, and have thanked us for sharing our story and offering insight into the domestic adoption process. We decided to share our story in hopes that we would not only keep our family and close friends informed on how things were going, but also help others learn more about this process so that they could make the most informed decisions for themselves.

While there are certainly some frustrating moments (and lots of red tape) to battle through, we want to reiterate that it is beyond worth it to know that in the end we will be a family. We knew we would inevitably face some hard decisions and letdowns; last week was a perfect example.

In sharing these ups and downs we hopefully are not coming across "whiney" - our intention is just simply tell it like it is. So many couples were willing to be open and honest with us so that we could be prepared for what we were about to experience. While it's certainly different to actually live it, we hope our story helps others be prepared.

Your support, encouragement, and willingness to share your own stories is very heartwarming. Thank You.

K told us this morning that she had two more profiles coming our way; she was waiting on all the information to become available before passing them on to us. We are certainly anxious and hopeful to review those, and will of course keep you updated on any developments.

In the meantime, this week we will be diving into the financial part of a adoption. The majority of resources out there tell you that an adoption will cost about $20-35,000. As we've quickly learned, those prices are not truly accurate...we've had one adoption come across our plates for $40k, another for $53k; and those were literally just for the adoption. The costs of the Home Study, creating your Adoption Profile, legal paperwork to finalize the adoption, and travel/living costs for when you are united with your baby (if he/she is in another state or country) are not part of that adoption cost you are quoted. (don't forget you still need to set up the nursery!)

We hope by breaking down the costs in our story you will have a better idea of what to prepare for your own adoption story. (and for those who are just curious, we certainly hope the financial realities will open your eyes to the need for continuing the current tax credits that are available for families once their adoption is finalized)

How many steps in the 12-Step program?

From the beginning of this journey, I have vowed to make the most rational decisions based off the best information, not emotion.  But for the first time, the emotional toll was starting to hit me.

Missie and I were very upfront when we started looking at profiles of potential birth mothers; if/when we saw the word "Meth" anywhere, it was going to be a loud thunderous 'NO'.  Pretty easy, right?

This past week, our adoption consultant, K, presented us with a profile.  The baby, a boy, had already been born (27 weeks premature) in Arizona.  We read the profile about the birth mother, and there it was...METH.  She already had 10 kids, all taken from her by protective services, and had openly admitted to using Meth through her the pregnancy.  But, according to a report from the hospital, the baby was healthy albeit still very little.

Another variable, the price.  We had determined that without toughing our retirements, we can now do $33,000.  This was going to cost $40,000.  Another kicker, and this may have been the straw, the lawyer representing her was willing to reduce the cost to $30,000 for us.  How many lawyers do you know would actually give you a discount?  Not many.  Not to sound cliche, but it was almost an offer we couldn't refuse.

We thought about it.  Were we going to deviate from our convictions?  Would we cave and accept what we said we wouldn't?  If we do, where would it stop?  And at what cost?  The remainder of our retirements to just make a payment on the medical bills of a child who was born under the influence of Meth?

After some consulting with various folks in the medical field and some who have actually adopted children in that very circumstance; we got some good advice.  We passed on the profile.  This is where it got emotional.  I started to see this as a sure thing for us.  We would have a baby.  We would finally be parents.  All we would have had to do was say yes and so it shall have been.  But it wasn't.  I think history will show we made the right call.

Then it started again...the emotions.  I started to get extremely angry.  Angry at this woman in Arizona.  How dare her?  Who the hell does she think she is?  How could she do that to a poor innocent child that has done nothing?  She already screwed up her own life, why did she have to do it to another?  (or in her case, 10 others).

I'll admit, I cried.  Not as much as at the end of Marley and Me, but I did. 

We made our decision and stand by it.  Many friends have offered their encouragement and compliments and pep talks.  I'll be honest, I don't need a pep talk; I just want to know I am doing the right thing.

"Labor" Pains

Yesterday was a tough day; but that's OK...I mean, it's not because we're bummed and quite honestly both need a long nap and bottle of wine to get over the emotional rollercoaster, but we knew going into this there were going to be a lot of ups and downs, tough decisions, and possible heartbreaks. But in the end it's all worth it.

I always hear women talking about their labor & delivery stories. After the braxton hicks, contractions, labor pains, and other "fun" associated with giving birth, the consensus is usually that after going through all of that you completely forget just how painful it was. You're holding this precious baby, and that's all that matters.

So, I guess this is our version of experiencing labor pains. Right now is not a particularly fun experience, but the excitment for what will eventually be makes it bearable. And once it's all said and done, and we're flying home as a family, this will all have been worth it.

After a lot of debate and medical talk, we decided that the Birth Mother's Meth use was just a little too scary for us. I feel horrible saying that, because this poor baby did nothing wrong and just needs a loving home. We would more than provide that; but there were just so many scary stories about the emotional and medical problems a meth baby could have as they grew. We just don't know if we are prepared to take that on. The cost of the adoption was the other contributing factor; we just couldn't swing it.

We were still waiting for the first Birth Mom to make her decision, and quite honestly we felt really good about that profile and our chances of being picked. We'd heard such good things about our Adoption Profile, and we fit the requirements for what the Birth Mom was looking for in a couple. It made "passing" on the little premie a bit easier to swallow; we still had hope and we were hanging on to it with everything.

***

Late yesterday afternoon K sent me an e-mail asking me to call her ASAP. I knew it couldn't be the news we wanted to hear; if it was good she would have been on the phone right away to us with a big smile in her voice.

The first Birth Mom - the one we were really feel good about - wasn't going to pick us. A lot of families had submitted their profiles excited about that case, and ours wasn't at the top of her list.
While we completely understood and knew this was a possibility, it was a letdown. But, that's all part of this process...and like I wrote before, some other family is going to get the news they've been waiting for. Someday that will be us; but for whatever reason, this one was not meant to be.

(he is going to be a gorgeous baby. I think a part of me will always wonder about him. A mix of Puerto Rican, African American, Greek, and Caucasian....I'd be lying if I said I didn't already picture myself holding him....)

K would later get back in touch with us. She was calling with something a little unprecidented; the lawyer in the premie/meth baby case had called her. He understood we were unable to afford that adoption, and eventhough he also knew we weren't comfortable with the meth use he wanted us to reconsider. He was offering to help us find a place to stay while the baby was in the hospital, and would take $10,000 off the cost of the adoption to help us out. Apparently there were also some donations that would be available to help us as well.

Thank goodness for K. I was a mess. This baby needs love, and we have it to give...but we had already decided that this case was too risky for us. Part of me - no, all of me - felt like a gigantic hypocrite and jerk. If my own parents had known that eventually I would have major medical problems, would they have still wanted to raise me? I would hope so. And did me being diagnosed with a rare vascular disease make them love me any less, or make me seem like a burdon? I sure don't feel like it did....so how on earth can we want nothing more than to be parents, and then turn our backs on a baby in need because we didn't think we could handle the lifetime of medical and emotional issues that would result from his Birth Mom's drug use?

Several posts ago we talked about how throughout this process you have to be honest with yourself, with what you are comfortable with, and with what you could realistically afford. This was not easy for us; emotionally we wanted to be on a plane headed out to rescue this baby.

Being an adoptive Mom herself, and having to have made these same types of tough desicions, it was so wonderful to have K's shoulder to lean on. She understood how hard this was, and how much it was weighing on us. She admitted that she almost didn't call us with this lawyer's offer; she knew it was going to be hard on us. If he had only offered a couple thousand off she said she knew it wouldn't have been worth it, but she'd never had a lawyer offer to take so much of the cost off in addition to helping in other ways, so she felt she had to give us the offer to consider.

In the end, we stayed with our decision to keep waiting for another case....

Keep Calm and Eat Chocolate

Wow, what a week...now that we've made it to Friday I can only be shocked that I've managed to get any work done, sleep, and not go completely insane with anticipation. While chocolate consumption has gone up (damn you, emotional eating! boo!!), I have felt surprisingly relaxed...

Is this calmness something in my gut (oh, remind me to do some more crunches this weekend - that chocolate is going to give me an actual gut if this goes on much longer) telling me that somehow this is all going to work out, and soon, so there's no need to be anxious? I guess only time will tell me why I'm so calm.

All week we've been waiting to hear any news on the decision of a Birth Mom. It would have been awesome if she took one glance at our Profile and immediately cast all others aside because (obviously) there just can't be any other couples as amazing and deserving as we are. (ha) But, this is obviously a huge decision for her; I'm glad to feel like she is really looking at the profiles and taking some time to think it over. More the confident she feels in her decision, the better...

But on the other hand...HURRY UP! M&Ms candy has a bag out there full of all-chocolate M&Ms, and if you find it you win a $100,000...if this chocolate therapy of mine continues, I'm going to have that bag found (and devoured) by Monday. One way or the other, I need to know.

OK....so that's story "A". Keep that packaged neatly in your noggin', and then hold on to your hat because the ride is about to get a little bumpy...

I was very proud of myself for not becoming a crazy spazz all week...I waited a full 36 hours before sending K the first set of "any news yet?" e-mails. Put a big gold star next to my name, please, for showing restraint.

With all the focus being on waiting this week, I hadn't realized that no other profiles had crossed our path. (we get the benefit of still being able to see and accept profiles while waiting on a Birth Mom from another profile to make her decision). So at 5:30 last night when an e-mail came in from K I didn't think it would be about anything other than this waiting game we were playing.

The e-mail started out "Take a deep breath....take another one....we have a situation, BUT....."

Oh, no! Not the dreaded "but...."!!!

My mind immediately went to this case we were waiting on. "but...." ??? She picked us but..... but what? What could it be?

Turns out this "but" is a little baby boy...already born...a premie, born at 29 weeks. He's a little over 3 lbs, and doing great. He's out on the west coast, and the Birth Mom is not picking the family he goes to, her adoption agency is. She's given up other children for adoption in the past, so - while heartbreaking to think of - it's a good sign for us; the potential for her to change her mind is incredibly low. If the agency were to pick us, this would pretty much be a done deal, no hiccups....

BUT....

Because the baby is a premie he is going to be in the hospital until mid June, which would require us to live there with him until he is released and the paperwork is signed. This is easy enough for me- I run my own business, am my own boss. It's not ideal to just shut down and go, but this is a baby we're talking about and heck ya I'll do whatever it takes! Get me a plane ticket!

BUT... (oooooh I hate that word!)

With the baby already born, that means on top of the adoption costs there's some medical costs. Our insurance would cover the baby once the paperwork was signed and he was legally ours, but in the mean time while he's on state medical care the agency is taking on costs and will want that money back as part of the adoption. Tack on to the money for all of this the living expenses for me to stay in another state for several weeks, and plane tickets for Mike (who would have to stay back here for work) to come back and forth a few times, and we have ourselves a real hum-dinger of a price tag. But (but, but, but, but, but)....it's a "gauranteed" adoption. We know we'd be coming home with a baby...isn't that worth every nickle and dime and credit card bill? OF COURSE!

BUT....(errr...)

While the medical report from the hospital shows that the baby is doing well, there are some big concerns to ponder. The Birth Mom is addicted to Meth...she (thankfully) openly admits to using it during the pregnancy, in addition to smoking. To read her story, in her own words, is absolutly heartbreaking...

She's had a tough, tough life. She has 10 living children, none of whom live with her. She's trying to overcome her problems, and wrote that she's trying to get clean, get her act together, and become a drug abuse counselor. Every string attached to my heart was being tugged on. To read the words she wrote to this baby boy....oh. For privacy reasons I won't quote them, but she wrote about wanting him to know this was not his fault, and that she knew bringing him up in her current situation would be selfish and cruel, and that she only wanted the best for him.

While I certainly don't respect her choices of using Meth, I have nothing but respect for honesty and bravery in having to admit that she is unfit to be a parent. And while I won't ever meet her to tell her this, I really and truly hope she is able to turn her life around. She may be "weak" when it comes to drug and poor choices in life, but she is certainly strong in my book.

We spoke with K last night, trying to wrap our heads around everything. She has a photo of the baby, but she (wisely) didn't send it with the medical files because she didn't want us to get too emotionally attached and not think clearly about all the "buts" surrounding this situation.

Knowing this was out of our league financially, we asked her if there was any way to tell them how much we could pay. Can you barter for a baby? Surprisingly, K said that's not completely out of the question. We wouldn't be able to do that now...we'd have to submit our profile to the agency and see if they picked us. If so, then we could say "but this is all we have...." and see if there's any way some of the costs could be reduced. But,(oh that stupid word) they most likely will say no. Always worth a shot to ask, but certainly not something to count on.

***

So, after all this...what do we do?

We both still feel very good and hopeful about Baby Situation A . Our fingers and toes are still crossed that we'll hear something soon, and that it will be good news. For now, though, we need to wrap our heads around Baby Situation B. Of course Mike's day is filled with meetings, and we have to let K know today how we want to proceed with this.

Will I be hopping on a plane tonight? We had told ourselves the word "Meth" showing up in a profile would be a big "no" for us, but then emotions kick in...

I think I'll go take our dog for a walk and see if I can spare myself from any more chocolate today...

Taking a shot...

And just like that, with a little kangaroo hopping sound coming from beneath my pile of paperwork, The Dry Spell ended.

After 23 days of anxiously awaiting another profile to appear in my inbox, I was almost - almost - cured from my obsession with checking my inbox. I was beginning to realize I was driving myself bonkers, and I was making a solid effort to limit the amount of times in a day I would check my e-mail. But as I stood in front of my desk waiting for images to upload, my little e-mail alert sounded from cell phone; I couldn't help but feel a glimmer of hope. I allowed myself to check my messages.

SCORE! A profile! Finally!

I read the profile and, unlike the previous profiles, didn't see any immediate "red flags" calling out other than the at-risk amount that would be due if we were matched. But at some point we will have to take a leap of faith, and the circumstances surrounding this adoption and Birth Mom make it seem as if there will be less risk that she will change her mind about going through with the adoption. I forwarded the profile on to Mike, and gave him a buzz at work to let him know.

The luxury of time doesn't really exist in the adoption process. When we receive a profile the Birth Mom is typically already in her third trimester, if she hasn't already given birth, and will be meeting with her Social Worker sometime within a couple of days to review Adoption Profiles to select a family. We have several printed books of our profile ready to be mailed out at a moments notice, in addition to a .pdf version. In this case, we received the profile yesterday and the Birth Mom was going to be reviewing profiles today. No time to dilly-dally on deciding whether or not we wanted to give this a shot.

Not the best scenario to have to call your hubby at work to discuss something as huge as this, but time was ticking. After giving Mike some time to look over the profile and gather his initial thoughts we were back on the phone with each other. The verdict: we had a few questions, but we weren't ready to say "no, thanks".

This little baby is a boy, and he's due to greet the world in only a couple of weeks. WOWZA!

Fast-forward a few hours and we still hadn't made a solid decision, mainly because we just couldn't really talk while at work. With errands to run we found ourselves chatting as we meandered through the aisles of Target...hardly ideal, but you can only work with what you've got.

By the time we were hitting the sack for the night we had made our decision - we were going to give this one a shot! I e-mailed K to let her know, and then tried to get some sleep. {but how can you sleep with that kind of anticipation!?}

***

So.....now it's a new waiting game we're playing.

Thankfully for this profile we could submit the .pdf version of our Adoption Profile, so I was able to send that off with a smile this morning. The Birth Mom was scheduled to come in today to review various profiles, (on average she will view 10), and hopefully find the couple (pick us! pick us!) that she envisions her baby having a beautiful life with. This particular Birth Mom wants to talk to the couple, and is open to meeting them in person at the hospital. Over the years she would also love to have updates via letters and photos....
this is exactly the level of open-ness we were hoping for.

I anticipated after hitting the "send" button that I would be incredibly anxious all day, but I've actually felt really calm. I realize that however anxious and excited we feel, we certainly can't truly understand how a Birth Mom feels. For as much as I keep thinking "oh, pick us! please!" I also have to hope that she feels at peace with her decision. What a tremendous amount of love she must have in her heart to acknowledge that, for whatever reasons, she cannot give this baby the life that he deserves.

I go to bed tonight with high hopes that tomorrow we'll hear that she really liked our profile, and she wants to talk to us. But I also go to bed with a soft smile thinking that while I'll certainly be sad if she doesn't pick us, that just means some other couple is going to be getting the news they've been waiting . Thanks to this Birth Mom, some family is about to be completed - and you just can't feel bad about that...

Will I become the {chubby} Crazy Cat Lady?

Warning: self pity-party and gross over-dramatization is about to follow...

Keep me away from all Pet Smarts, animal shelters, and people on the side of the road with boxes full of puppies to sell this weekend. And DO NOT let me put food out for the stray cats in our backyard. This Dry Spell is now on day 20, and desperation is starting to sink in...my emotions are getting the best of me, and any and all adorable animals coming into my sight will be scooped up and brought home.

I was so excited last night because my quest for the perfect nursery colors and bedding ended. Poor Mike, exhausted after a long day, had to sit through me showing him the two options I'd narrowed it down to; I was going back & forth, and was leaning more towards one when I asked him what he preferred. When he picked the same colors that I had been favoring, I did what any "good wife" does - I then started to prefer the other color set. But in the end I decided to end my hubby's agony and go with what he liked and I intially was drawn to.

(grey and white with a soft aqua, if you're curious)

Now it was my Mom's turn to "suffer." Another late-night phone call to her...

"Oh did I wake you up? I'm sorry ,Mom.....can you go to your computer?" (I'm so damn considerate)

After not finding exactly what colors & patterns I was wanting in any bedding sets sold in stores, I turned to my beloved Etsy for sweet relief. Why didn't I just go there in the first place? Clouds parted (literally, since it was raining outside and it stopped), angels sang, and a ray of (TV) light shined down on my computer screen. There it was...custom baby bedding with fabric choices in exactly the patterns I had been looking for. Now I just needed to decide which patterns combos would become what.

Do I do the chevron crib skirt with a solid border? Baby elephant sheets? No, Polka dots sheets with elephant skirt and chevron blanket. No....the french pattern for the blanket, with the abstract sheets....
oh good grief. Why do I do this to myself? MOMMY!!!

After waking my slumbering Mom, talking her through etsy to find what I was looking at, asking her opinion, (and then discounting her opinion before going back to her opinion), there I had it. Our perfect baby bedding. Soooo excited!

So if I build it, the baby will come - right? I went to bed convinced that this morning I was going to wake up to that long awaited e-mail from K. "Missie  & Mike! Great news! Overnight we had a swarm of babies fall from the sky, and all their Birth Moms want you guys! Come quick! Grab as many as you can carry in your arms...you have a convertible, right? Ride with the top down and you can fit more in the car I bet...." Yep, that's exactly what it was going to say....'cause that's just how this whole adoption thing works....

Well, unfortunately while I did wake up to an e-mail from K, it was the exact opposite oh what I wanted to read. "...the adoption horizon is so very quiet...is it the calm before the baby storm? Who knows...can't figure it out. A quiet spell for sure. But I am keeping my eyes and ears open!...."

BLAH...

Where are the kittens? The Puppies? Hell, I'll even take the hairless ugly ones....anything remotely adorable that will keep me occupied during this dry spell. And speaking of emotions, pass me a box of frosted chocolate Munchkins from Dunkin Donuts while you're at it, please....

Nesting

Half the Moms I spoke with said that while they were in the "waiting" phase of their adoptions they just couldn't bring themselves to decorate a room. The idea of having a nursery, with no idea of when it would be filled with their little one, was just too much for them. That empty room would be emotionally too much for them.

The other half said they just couldn't hold back. Knowing that the baby would someday - at any time - be in their lives was enough. Planning, shopping, and decorating was a way to celebrate. It also served as good old fashioned retail therapy in the harder days.

Me? I am 100% "game on!"  We are on day 18 of our Dry Spell, and I need something fun to work on to keep me distracted.

The nursery 'theme' is what I would describe as Vintage-Modern. Mike likes "eclectic." Our close friends and family are probably shocked that it's not "WVU Mountaineers."

I would hate to know the total amount of hours I have spent this past month looking at baby bedding alone. Mike and I picked out first and middle names for our baby without any trouble, but baby bedding? Ooooooh no, that has been a real ordeal for me. Ironic that deciding the name of our child was so easy when there's all these studies about names and what they mean for your child's success in life; it truly is silly that I'm so hung up on what color sheet and what type of pattern he or she will sleep on. Mike's big hang up? The railing on the crib. (it's so good to know I'm not alone on getting stuck on little details)

While I continue to hem & haw over the perfect pattern and just the right accent color to use, the quest is still on for the ideal crib. We do, however, have an awesome dresser and chair, (both antiques I found at a local store that have just the perfect amount of whimsy to fit in a nursery), and the official "welcome home" outfit - which our friends and family will not be surprised to hear is all WVU apparel.

Jumping through Hoops {The Home Study}

{Day 17 of The Dry Spell....blah...}

At a recent visit to the Vet we learned that somehow our loveable and wacky Lab had become a bit "pudgy."

OK, actually a bit more than "pudgy" - the poor dog was officially labeled as overweight. We were now going to be swapping Milk Bones for carrot sticks, and playtime in the park was going to have to become a bit more strenuous.

This is the dog who jumps and leaps excitedly at the sight of her leash, dashes to the park, and then proceeds to lie down and munch on a stick instead of chasing the ball she was just dropping at your feet, tail wagging, a few minutes ago. She's the canine equivalent of the stylish woman, dressed head to toe in Athleta clothes, who goes to the gym merely to sip on a shot of green-wheat-protein-something-or-other but never once hops on a machine or steps foot in a class. Our dog certainly looks like a Lab and eats like a Lab, but draws the line at the "retriever" part of her name. Clearly getting her to excert energy for longer periods of time was going to mean some bribery.

We are now "those people" at the park; half a Milk Bone in hand, dangling in front of our dog's face, sprinting from one set of trees to the next in mockery of the fact that our pudgy pup will only keep running as long as she thinks she stands a chance of snagging that treat from our hands. You can tell she hates it, but as long as she sees that Milk Bone she will jump through whatever hoops she has to to get it.

In the adoption process, The Home Study to us was just like these "workouts" are to our dog. We were completely aggrevated by it, but it was a hoop we had to jump through, so we just went with it.

Let me take a step back and say we completely understand the necessity for The Home Study process. There are a lot of wackos in this world, and before any newborn or child is placed in a home to be cared for it makes sense to be sure that the environment will be a safe, nuturing one, and that the soon-to-be parents aren't convicted child abusers or drug addicts. It's just frustrating dealing with all the red tape, and certainly a humbling process to have to "prove your worthiness" of being a parent.

The Home Study Process

Regardless of what route you choose for an Adoption, (Domestic, Foreign, Foster Care, Agency, Private Adoption via a Lawyer, or working with an Adoption Consultant), you have to complete a Home Study. In our case, after we signed on with our Adoption Consultant we were provided with a list of Home Study Agencies in the state of North Carolina that we could choose to work with.

I researched each agency, looking for the fees associated as well as how quickly we would be able to get through the process. In general the agencies here all were going to cost about $3,000-$4,500 to do our Home Study. They all offered "expedited services" for an additional fee, but some agencies were a little backed up, and the process was going to take 12+ weeks to complete regardless. We've waited almost four years to have a family, and I did not have the patience to wait another three months just so we could prove we were "fit" to have a family. We lucked out and signed with a Home Study agency who could complete our process "quickly."

Criminal and Child Abuse Background Checks

Each State has it's own laws regarding adoption. Here in NC we needed to provide criminal background clearances and child abuse background clearances going back five years. If you're lucky this is an easy step - just a few quick forms, a trip to the Court House, and some minor paperwork fees. We had our NC backgrounds done and complete in a day, for about $50. No mess, no stress, fax it all over to our assigned Social Worker, and you're good to go. (we really loved NC for that!)

Our personal hiccups in the system came from being a military family; going back five years meant getting clearances from two additional states. What took less than a day in NC took over a month to get from KS, and don't even get me started on the State of California (they are a 'closed state', so they can't provide you with your own background information if that information is going to be shared with a third party- to include our Social Worker for required paperwork for our adoption). Our own information could not be provided to us, for us to use for a Domestic Adoption. They could give it to us for an International Adoption, but not a Domestic. Huh? Long story short, we are still confused.

We couldn't get our own information, and were told that if we got the information and shared it with our Home Study Agency we could be fined or face jail time. When we called our Home Study agency out of frustration we were told to hire a specific private investigative service. So we couldn't get our own information, but we could pay a complete stranger in NC to pass our Social Security numbers and other critical information on to another person in CA. This person then somehow got a hold of our records, and passed it back on to NC. So much for the "closed state" thing. Like I said, we're still confused.

We jumped through that first hoop, though, and lived to tell the tale.

Letters of Recommendation

Ever wonder just what your friends truly think of you? In the Home Study process you'll have to ask people to write you letters of recommendation. They will need to be notarized, not written by relatives, and refer specifically to what would make you a good parent and your home a positive environment for a child.

Truly humbling to have to ask people to write this for you. But I tell you what, have your box of tissues ready when you read them.  We were speechless at the amazing letters our friends and colleagues wrote on our behalf.

The Physical

Yep. The Home Study includes a trip to your Drs office.

It's not a true physical in the sense that Mike had to "turn his head and cough" or I had to run on a treadmill, it's more a series of general questions your physician has to answer and sign off on. "Has this person had a history of mental illness? If yes, please explain" type questions.

There were two questions on there I was very afraid of, though. The first asked about any serious illnesses the person in question was diagnosed with. With my rare disease I kinda panicked thinking "will we fail and not be allowed to adopt?"

Thankfully I was assurred that since I was in remission we would be OK. Whew.

The other question, though, was one I had avoided asking my specialists since my diagnosis. And now there it was, staring me in the face, having to be answered.  Did I have an average life expectancy, and was there any reason my medical condition would prevent me from being able to raise a child?

I didn't want to look at the paper when my Dr returned it to me. I expected her to say "I guess it's time we had a hard talk." But - whew - I could breathe. Despite my Wegeners I still have as great of a chance of annoying Mike well into my 90s as I did before my diagnosis, and it wasn't going to prevent me from being "fit" to be a parent.  My Dr actually had a huge smile on her face, and she was so excited that I was going to be a Mom. She even thanked me for getting to be a part of the process. That was a pretty feel-good moment right there.

The Interviews and Home Inspection

{Are you still with me? Wow- I'm impressed. I know I am rambling, but Mike and I really want anyone considered adoption to know what to honestly expect. Hang in there...almost done!}

The Home Study also includes a series of interviews. The number and how far apart they will be will vary based on the agency you use. We paid for an expedited study, so we actually knocked out all our interviews within a weekend.

We met with our Social Worker for an entire Saturday afternoon, then the next day she came to our home for another round of interviews and to inspect our home. From finances to our childhood, how our parents raised us to our personal beliefs on spanking, relationships with our siblings to religion... "to infinity and beyond!"...it was all asked, and it was all answered.

The End Result

Six weeks, $4,500, and several papercuts later our Home Study was complete. We received in the mail two copies of our 13-page report. It includes our letters of recommendation, criminal background clearances, financial statements, health reports, and assessment from our Social Worker.

We now have legal binding "proof" that we are worthy of being parents. And we now are "approved" to adopt a little baby. Or two. And even a sibling, if they are less than 2 years of age. Talk about waving a treat in front of our faces....now I know how our dog feels on those trips to the park!

Home Study? But I'm Not Even in School!...Oh, that kind

As we began this journey, one of my best friends shared in my frustrations.  "You need a license to catch a fish, but not to have kids?" he vented to me; and I obviously agreed.  In addition to the background checks, the open disclosure of all our finances, the desperate search for pictures of us on vacation with no sunglasses; we were now faced with what has become the nucleus of the adoption process, the Home Study.

The home study is pretty literal in its name.  This is where the social worker, in our case, the same stranger that interviewed us, comes to our home to inspect it to assess it's suitability for children.  Initially, we didn't seemed concerned; the people that lived here before us had a baby (the room is still pink), and I'm sure the ones before them and so on. 

I mean come on, I'm sure nobody inspected Abraham Lincoln's home before he was born, or George Washington's or Teddy Roosevelt's; and they turned out alright, right?

As it got closer, and the more we looked around the house, we started to worry.  There was nothing kid safe about it.  We have a dog that sheds, a cat that burrows into things, hardwood floors with a nail sticking out between the kitchen and the living room, and squirrels that run around outside (they're rodents, right?).  So we did what anyone in our case would do, we went to Target.

We figured at the very least, we would do some basic things.  Outlet plug covers are sold in the bag, and the little lock things that go on your cabinets under the sink were our goal.  We were out of Mr. Yuk stickers at the time, so the lock was only way.

As we looked at these child-resistant items, we began to think; "Is this enough?"  Do we need the whole room set up?  A Crib?  A stroller?  Diapers?  We didn't know.  At some point during this process, we were reassured by my cousin, who also happens to do work with child services in the area, that we had nothing to worry about.  They just wanted to see if our place was suitable for a child. 

Suitable for a child?  Just then the frustration bubbled again.  I have been all over the world; third world countries, former eastern bloc states, even through Arkansas, and I have seen some dwellings that wouldn't be suitable for the vermin that infest them, let alone a child.  But yet, there are children there.  Who inspected that place before they had them?

As I calmed myself down, I told myself it was just part of the process.  "It is what it is", as one of my favorite slogans goes. 

As the home study began, we thought we would butter up our social worker with some irresistible goodies; grapes, cheese and crackers.  But it turned out we didn't need them.  Bottom line up front, we passed.  Our home was suitable for a child, and we were complete.  Now we just wait for this report to be complete complete and we would be ready to be parents.  If only it was that easy.

I think I'll go fishing now.  Oh wait, I don't have a license.

Twelve Days

Twelve Days.

A lot can happen in twelve days. According to my good friend  Google I can learn to speak Spanish is less than twelve days; I can build a church dome in less than twelve days; a man named CK apparently earned $1 million dollars off of a $5 video in twelve days; the ground portion of the Gulf War lasted only 100 hours.....

There's also a whole bunch of "nothing" that can happen in twelve days. Unfortunately for us, when it comes to our Adoption Story, we have been hearing crickets chirp for just that long now.

Our Adoption Consultant, K, warned us that the adoption world is an unpredictable place. One week you're getting profile after profile and the next it's a dry spell. But even with that knowledge and her reassurance, it's still a painful dry spell to go through.

A little over three weeks ago we were officially placed on the "waiting to be matched" list. The Adoption Profile we created got rave reviews from those who proofed it for us, {to include a Birth Mom who volunteers her time to review Profiles for couples who are adopting so that they can get honest feedback on how their album will be perceived}, so I was feeling a little over-confident that we would be that rare lucky couple who had all the stars align for a perfect adoption to happen within three days. That's happened to other couples, so surely it would happen to us, too. Surely!

It almost happened. On day four that swarm of profiles came in that I initially wrote about. The twins were already born; had we had the $53,000+ that was needed immediately on hand , we could have been a Mommy & Daddy for almost a month by now.

I know I need to just get over that, but I really have had a tough time with it. We have saved, planned, and prepared for a long time now to make our dream happen. We knew the probability of an adoption being way out of our financial reach could happen {each case we see will vary based on the Birth Mom's unique situation}, but we didn't expect "the dream case" to happen right away, and to be the one we couldn't do.

{we'll get more into financing later, but as a quick summary when you are "matched" with a Birth Mom there is a sum of money due right away. Think of this as a "deposit"...this is also money "at risk," meaning if the Birth Mom changes her mind you don't get that money back. The remaining balance is due once the baby is born. So typically you have some time to access accounts and get money lined up. Since the twin boys were already born it was a case where the entire amount was due in one lump sum, right away. There was just no way we could have accessed that much that quickly}

We've seen several other profiles since then, all within our financial reach. But the "at risk" amounts due for each were extremely high...something we'll be willing to pay when the case seems like a solid one, but these cases each just worried us for one reason or another. From a Birth Father being in prison but wanting contact with the baby, to a Birth Mom who talked about how everyone else wanted her to give up her baby but she didn't want to, there was just something about each case that didn't give us the "warm fuzzies" about taking the risk to write a check for $15,000, knowing it would mean halting the adoption process if something fell through.

By now we could have also brought home a baby girl who was born last week, or could have been buying clothes and diapers for one of three little boys who would all be arriving before July.

Mike thinks I'm being ridiculous and dramatic, but I can't help but wonder if we made a mistake. Were we supposed to write a check for one of those profiles? Was one of those babies meant for us, and we missed the boat , and now Karma was 'punishing' us for being afraid to loose that money? When you look at the numbers, that's the only explanation I can come up with for why we've now gone twelve days without a single profile crossing our paths.

K has reassured me that we haven't made a mistake, that we have to trust our instincts, and that my emotions and Mike's {cynical/ pessimistic/level-headed/ rational/smart} outlook on each profile will eventually meet in the middle and we'll take that next step. But good grief! I hope we at least get another chance to consider a case soon. This waiting is tough...