Goldilocks and the {four} Bears {part 1: where do we begin?}

Our decision to Adopt was an easy one; we wanted a family, but simply couldn't have one the "good old fashioned" way. We were no longer candidates for IVF, and - to be honest - finding a sperm donor,egg donor, and a surrogate to carry just seemed silly to us when we knew there were so many babies and children in need of a family.

Before Mike deployed last spring we agreed that we wanted to pursue a Domestic Adoption, and that as soon as he got home we would dive right in. We'll talk in detail about financing an Adoption and applying for grants in another post, but knowing that the average adoption cost $30-50,000, we knew the next year would be focused on saving up as much as we possibly could.

No more trips to DSW for me.....but that is A-OK!

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Google search about adoption and your computer will nearly explode. Between all the laws, agencies, and resources out there for both Foreign and Domestic adoptions, it is truly overwhelming trying to figure out where to begin.

Sadly, it's also hard to figure out what online resources are reliable and which ones are scams. We wished we didn't feel the need to be paranoid, but we realized that something as expensive and emotionally involved as adoption would be an easy "praying ground" for those heartless and cruel scammers out there who would be looking to make a quick buck off an anxious and overwhelmed couple. 

We needed to decide what avenue of Domestic Adoption was the best for us, and how on earth to begin the process. We knew we'd have to jump through some hoops - we'd heard stories of how your home would be inspected, and how you'd have to put together a book about your lives - but we didn't know the terminology. We knew it would be expensive, but we didn't know how those costs broke down. We knew some couples had success with fostering, others with private adoptions. We knew some couples were five years into the process and still didn't have a family.

Basically, we knew we didn't know a thing.

So our first bit of advice for anyone wanting to pursue an adoption -whether it's Foreign or Domestic - is this:

Start saving, start asking questions, and be truthful to yourself.

Saving: We'll get more into financial details later, but cut back on the trips to Starbucks & DSW, and sit down with a financial planner to let them know what your overall goal is. We talked to ours before Mike deployed, and I'm so grateful we did. We didn't have a lot of details at that time, but he at least knew we planned on having a major "purchase" in the near future. Little did we know that in a few months we would run into a huge issue with the home we own and rent out in Kansas - but when that happened, our planner was able to give us advice on how to deal with that problem while still staying on course for saving for the adoption. That half hour conversation in advance led to a lot of peace of mind in the future.

Asking Questions: There's no doubt that deciding to adopt will have you feeling very excited; quite honestly it will also have you feeling truly overwhelmed. There's a lot of information, myths, resources, facts, and opinions to sort through. You will do as much factual research as you will soul-searching, and it will be those facts and your personal feelings that will lead you to the right adoption path.

Since we are not pursuing a Foreign Adoption we won't reference to that. For Domestic Adoptions there were three avenues we needed to decide on; Fostering, an Adoption Agency, and Private Adoption. In the coming posts we will talk about each of these, how we researched them, and what we personally felt were the pros and cons of each that led us to our decision.

 {Spoiler Alert: I will jump ahead and tell you we wound up going a different route, but we want to discuss each of these wonderful avenues before we got to that.}

It's important to learn as much as you can about the various ways there are to adopt. In addition to reading books, blogs, and online articles, we talked to families who adopted from each method. We also talked to friends who were adopted themselves to get their viewpoints, and we took advantage of being a military couple to set up a free meeting with a JAG lawyer to get some initial legal questions answered. 

Be Truthful to Yourself: You are faced with so many decisions in the adoption process - more than I ever could have imagined being faced with. When one question gets answered, it seems to lead to three more questions. It's not just "do we want little boy or little girl" - it's "will our family be supportive and accepting if we adopt a child of a different race?" or "are we willing to adopt a child who is disabled or has a Birth Mom who is addicted to drugs?" {before we start rumors, let me just say we both come from incredibly loving and accepting families, so we know our child will be embraced and cherished no matter what. These are just examples of real questions we had to answer}

I'm going to take all the beauty and emotion of adopting a child out of the picture for this next statement. As much as it sucks to realize this, when you are adopting a child it does mean that -basically- you are making a major purchase. Before you buy a new car or take on a 30 year mortgage for a new home you wind up having to consider what you can afford, what you absolutely must have as amenities/features, and what little things you would like to have "ideally" but are willing to "go without." 

As you sort through the facts, you have to also sort through you heart. And if you're married or in a relationship, you have to be completely open and honest with that person as to what you are and are not comfortable with. By having those tough conversations and doing your homework on the different routes to adoption, you will be able to reach a decision on which avenue is best for you.

Coming up next....The Foster System.