Keep Calm and Eat Chocolate

Wow, what a week...now that we've made it to Friday I can only be shocked that I've managed to get any work done, sleep, and not go completely insane with anticipation. While chocolate consumption has gone up (damn you, emotional eating! boo!!), I have felt surprisingly relaxed...

Is this calmness something in my gut (oh, remind me to do some more crunches this weekend - that chocolate is going to give me an actual gut if this goes on much longer) telling me that somehow this is all going to work out, and soon, so there's no need to be anxious? I guess only time will tell me why I'm so calm.

All week we've been waiting to hear any news on the decision of a Birth Mom. It would have been awesome if she took one glance at our Profile and immediately cast all others aside because (obviously) there just can't be any other couples as amazing and deserving as we are. (ha) But, this is obviously a huge decision for her; I'm glad to feel like she is really looking at the profiles and taking some time to think it over. More the confident she feels in her decision, the better...

But on the other hand...HURRY UP! M&Ms candy has a bag out there full of all-chocolate M&Ms, and if you find it you win a $100,000...if this chocolate therapy of mine continues, I'm going to have that bag found (and devoured) by Monday. One way or the other, I need to know.

OK....so that's story "A". Keep that packaged neatly in your noggin', and then hold on to your hat because the ride is about to get a little bumpy...

I was very proud of myself for not becoming a crazy spazz all week...I waited a full 36 hours before sending K the first set of "any news yet?" e-mails. Put a big gold star next to my name, please, for showing restraint.

With all the focus being on waiting this week, I hadn't realized that no other profiles had crossed our path. (we get the benefit of still being able to see and accept profiles while waiting on a Birth Mom from another profile to make her decision). So at 5:30 last night when an e-mail came in from K I didn't think it would be about anything other than this waiting game we were playing.

The e-mail started out "Take a deep breath....take another one....we have a situation, BUT....."

Oh, no! Not the dreaded "but...."!!!

My mind immediately went to this case we were waiting on. "but...." ??? She picked us but..... but what? What could it be?

Turns out this "but" is a little baby boy...already born...a premie, born at 29 weeks. He's a little over 3 lbs, and doing great. He's out on the west coast, and the Birth Mom is not picking the family he goes to, her adoption agency is. She's given up other children for adoption in the past, so - while heartbreaking to think of - it's a good sign for us; the potential for her to change her mind is incredibly low. If the agency were to pick us, this would pretty much be a done deal, no hiccups....

BUT....

Because the baby is a premie he is going to be in the hospital until mid June, which would require us to live there with him until he is released and the paperwork is signed. This is easy enough for me- I run my own business, am my own boss. It's not ideal to just shut down and go, but this is a baby we're talking about and heck ya I'll do whatever it takes! Get me a plane ticket!

BUT... (oooooh I hate that word!)

With the baby already born, that means on top of the adoption costs there's some medical costs. Our insurance would cover the baby once the paperwork was signed and he was legally ours, but in the mean time while he's on state medical care the agency is taking on costs and will want that money back as part of the adoption. Tack on to the money for all of this the living expenses for me to stay in another state for several weeks, and plane tickets for Mike (who would have to stay back here for work) to come back and forth a few times, and we have ourselves a real hum-dinger of a price tag. But (but, but, but, but, but)....it's a "gauranteed" adoption. We know we'd be coming home with a baby...isn't that worth every nickle and dime and credit card bill? OF COURSE!

BUT....(errr...)

While the medical report from the hospital shows that the baby is doing well, there are some big concerns to ponder. The Birth Mom is addicted to Meth...she (thankfully) openly admits to using it during the pregnancy, in addition to smoking. To read her story, in her own words, is absolutly heartbreaking...

She's had a tough, tough life. She has 10 living children, none of whom live with her. She's trying to overcome her problems, and wrote that she's trying to get clean, get her act together, and become a drug abuse counselor. Every string attached to my heart was being tugged on. To read the words she wrote to this baby boy....oh. For privacy reasons I won't quote them, but she wrote about wanting him to know this was not his fault, and that she knew bringing him up in her current situation would be selfish and cruel, and that she only wanted the best for him.

While I certainly don't respect her choices of using Meth, I have nothing but respect for honesty and bravery in having to admit that she is unfit to be a parent. And while I won't ever meet her to tell her this, I really and truly hope she is able to turn her life around. She may be "weak" when it comes to drug and poor choices in life, but she is certainly strong in my book.

We spoke with K last night, trying to wrap our heads around everything. She has a photo of the baby, but she (wisely) didn't send it with the medical files because she didn't want us to get too emotionally attached and not think clearly about all the "buts" surrounding this situation.

Knowing this was out of our league financially, we asked her if there was any way to tell them how much we could pay. Can you barter for a baby? Surprisingly, K said that's not completely out of the question. We wouldn't be able to do that now...we'd have to submit our profile to the agency and see if they picked us. If so, then we could say "but this is all we have...." and see if there's any way some of the costs could be reduced. But,(oh that stupid word) they most likely will say no. Always worth a shot to ask, but certainly not something to count on.

***

So, after all this...what do we do?

We both still feel very good and hopeful about Baby Situation A . Our fingers and toes are still crossed that we'll hear something soon, and that it will be good news. For now, though, we need to wrap our heads around Baby Situation B. Of course Mike's day is filled with meetings, and we have to let K know today how we want to proceed with this.

Will I be hopping on a plane tonight? We had told ourselves the word "Meth" showing up in a profile would be a big "no" for us, but then emotions kick in...

I think I'll go take our dog for a walk and see if I can spare myself from any more chocolate today...